Oooooooo! Shiny!1!! Pretty!

Michelle Bachmann (R-Talks To Jesus), who may very well be the stupidest person currently serving in Congress (beating Lynn Westmoreland by a nose) , goes to Alaska summer camp with John Boehner and learns many new and exciting things:

Like I knew it would, the American Energy Tour unveiled the truth about the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) — what Democrats in Washington don’t want the American people to know: This is a treasure trove of energy that will yield a lot with only minimal intrusion.

For far too long, Americans have been told by the environmentalist left that drilling in Alaska would hurt the abundant wildlife and natural resources there. This is simply not true. ANWR is a small part of the Arctic Circle in northern Alaska. Energy exploration would be limited to a small 2,000-acre lot with in ANWR. That is comparable to a postage stamp sitting on a football field. Visiting ANWR also revealed that almost no wildlife exists in the 2,000-acre area. It was flat arctic tundra with absolutely no trees in view. And, caribou and wildlife were nowhere near the possible drilling sites. Furthermore, we know that nine months out of the year this area is hidden under snow and ice and three months out of the year the area is covered in complete darkness.

And because there were no caribou villages nor any signs of wildlife ‘refugeeing’ during her brief visit we must assume that ANWR is as barren as Michelle’s imagination. Besides everyone knows that oil pumped out of the ground is transported to your local CITGO station by magical flying ponies traveling the Rainbow Highway in the sky so, you know,  no harm no spill.

Michelle adds:

 The Energy Information Administration (EIA) estimates that there are 10.4 billion barrels of recoverable oil in ANWR. And these estimates are based on exploration done in the 1970s. Federal moratoria on these lands have restricted even modern technological investigation of what oil reserves may be available for tapping. Imagine what modern surveying techniques might show.

[...]

The fact of the matter is that Congress is standing in the way of $2-a-gallon gas.

$2-a-gallon gas! Well slap me on the ass and buy me a Hummer!

Oh. Wait. Here’s those guys from the Energy Information Administration (EIA) harshing our natural resources-depleting hard-ons:

The Joint Economic Committee of Congress has issued a fact sheet summarizing a recent study by the Energy Information Administration on the possibilities of drilling in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. The study was commissioned by Senator Ted Stevens (R) of Alaska.

The abstract of the fact sheet:

"The recent run-up in the price of crude oil has prompted new calls for the Federal government to increase its petroleum production by allowing exploration and drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) along the northern coast of Alaska. While there is a strong incentive to provide much needed relief to American families who are currently struggling with high gasoline prices, analysis of ANWR’s projected contribution to crude oil markets suggests that relief will be neither substantial nor timely in its effect. Based on Energy Information Administration (EIA) projections of the effect of ANWR on crude oil prices, we estimate that opening up ANWR will reduce gasoline prices by just one cent, starting in 2018."

So (using a calculator) if gas gets get down to (carry the three), um, $2.01 a gallon by 2018 and then that sweet sweet crude from ANWR starts a’flowin’, we’ll all be filling our pools with $2-a-gallon high-test and telling the A-Rabs that they can go pound sand; an expression that will be totally lost on them.

Seriously, and to paraphrase Paul Begala, if stupid ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want the drilling rights to Michelle Bachmann’s head.