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Needless to say, the oral sex wasn’t as advertised
I haven’t kept up on Townhall as much as I should so I was surprised to see that my buddy, The Virgin Ben, had gone Full Metal Conjugal back in July with his new bride, the now Mrs. Probably Not A Virgin Ben. I assume my wedding invitation was lost in the mail. As he wrote in his Townhall column:
I got married last week. Hence my absence from this space for the first time in seven years. It was a beautiful wedding in Acre, Israel, overlooking the ocean at sunset. My father wrote the music for the processional, which brought everyone to tears. My bride looked stunning, of course. We broke the glass, we danced, we ate and we celebrated until deep into the night.
Outside the wedding hall stood a guard. Every wedding in Israel requires an armed guard to prevent terrorist attacks. Only the armed guards prevent the infliction of mass casualties at joyous events; only the armed guards protect the ceremonies that act as the foundation stones to civilization.
In the general war against Islamofascism, civilization requires three elements. First, civilization requires building blocks — families dedicated to teaching traditional values, freedom and liberty to future generations. Second, civilization requires the armed guard — the men and women willing to put themselves on the line to protect those building blocks. Third, civilization requires leaders.
You have to appreciate how Ben juxtaposes the joyful wedding with the existential threat of Islamofascist wedding crashing. This is the circle of life : you become a man, you marry, and then Muslims invade your wedding and try and eat all deviled eggs and knishes before Uncle Saul and Aunt Rose can even get out of the Buick. Ach! Such a world we live in.
Anyway, sometime during the week of July 7-13th The Virgin Ben became a man (How does that happen? Answer here). I like to think that sometime during that blessed day Ben thought of me as he was sweating and thrusting into… his tux. That he thought, "Oh boy. I’m gonna show that tbogg guy tonight! I’ma get me a piece of that. Virgin no mo! Boy I’m gonna give it to her but goo– Oh shit! Shitshitshitshitshit! Not again. Let’s see…what the refractory period for a twenty-four year old? Okay. Calm down. I’m good. I’m good. Where’s my other pants?"
Nowadays, Post-Virgin Ben and Mrs. Ben have moved back to California where he is being harassed by Islamocaltransworkers and we discover that the twenty-something year old newlyweds can’t think of anything to do in a car trapped and not moving on the freeway for three hours in the middle of the night.
How very very sad.
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Full Metal Conjugal… TBogg, I love you! He’ll always be Virgin Ben in my mind, however.
I swear I read as :
“My bride looked stunned, of course.”
Anyone know if the Holier than Thou nups were arranged between the Mums and Dads?
“…can’t think of anything to do in a car trapped and not moving on the freeway for three hours in the middle of the night…” — well, how do you get an armed guard at that hour of the night? I mean, surely for Ben “doing it” requires an armed guard, too, right? Perhaps Ms. Ben is slowly realizing what she’s gotten herself into — unless she’s some Malkin/Coulter clone it’s fair to suspect she may soon be having regrets. (”Ben, honey, stop checking the closet for muslims and come over here and do that thing with your tongue… no, the other thing… okay, why don’t you go check the closet for muslims?”)
Our wedding was in somewhat less historic St. Louis, Missouri, but Dov Bar-Leib of End of Days Blog, before taking up blogging, was there and told us that it was “our day and not Arafat’s day”.
My husband has been to Acre, and the Crusader fortress, and the whole bit. He showed it to me in the road atlas.
No. I think Ben is modern enough that he can be trusted to choose for himself.
Tbogg made me laugh, then you made me snort coffee out my nose.
Now my monitor’s a mess.
I hope you’re both happy.
OK, I think I’m getting this. Ben considers his wedding to be some sort of labored metaphor for civilization itself. Let’s see. . . “families”–that would be Ben and the lovely Mrs. Virgin. Armed guard, which is the, well, armed guard. Leaders. Where are the leaders in this wedding picture, anyway? He does go on to tell us who aren’t leaders:
So, who is/are the leader(s) in this lovely seaside wedding? Was Winston Churchill the rabbi who officiated? Maybe Ronald Reagan led the klezmer orchestra? Patton was the caterer?
Is it too much to ask for the bed sheets
Is it too much to ask for the bed sheets? C’mon Ben,,,,this is a traditional request…otherwise how will we know?
‘
Geez, my husband and I just camped out in the mountains and signed our own certificate. No terrorists required.
Oh, gawd. Now I’m going to have to try to get a decent night’s sleep with that image rattling around in my brain… [wanders off to find the 55 gallon drum of brain bleach]
And you wonder why I remain unmarried.
Not having the privilege of belonging to the Tribe, I had to resort to Irish Catholic terrorists, and guess what? They quit. The bloody fools quit and went home. To live in peace and to learn to love the Lord, or micro-brews shipped in from overseas. Depends on how you like your Sundays.
Hence, I could never marry. Thanks black balaklava-wearing dudes, thanks a million.
If only I had known Jack Ryan.
I’m upset because all this time I thought that the virgin ben belonged to, well, *them*, you know, the fundies. I had no idea we jews were that hung up on virginity. Washing, fasting, not mixing, sure but virginity? give me a fucking break. I refuse to accept the no longer virgin ben as a member of the tribe.
aimai
It’s too bad there’s no guard to protect wedding parties in Iraq and Afghanistan from the US military.
Anyone stupid enough to get on I-5 without checking out the Caltrans website beforehand deserves what they get. Or, In the Allegedly De-virginized Ben, what he doesn’t get.
Well, we are not into cloistered virgins in monasteries as the best way of being holy. That’s something.
Virginity before marriage is more of a “fence for the Torah” IMHO. It enhances the holiness of the marriage. And that is very important.
Far be it from me to be critical, but at 24 and 20, it kind of looks like the Virgin Ben and the Mrs. may have made their selections before walking the full length of the counter.
It’s not a metaphor. Ben is doing his part to defend civilization from the islamunist hordes by getting married. Now he doesn’t have to become a soldier.
I’m guessing VB and Mrs. Ben will beat Chris Kattan’s record. Stay tuned.
In listing the building blocks of civilization, he forgot “plumbing.”
Pathetic wimp. Because he couldn’t get laid, the society is nihilistic and narcissistic. Or a Darwinian instinct told every woman he met to choose flight. I like explanation number two VB.
Only one guard? Some people, they just don’t know how good they got it.
The only person standing guard outside the Catholic chapel where I was married was some dude handing out Chick tracts that said that Catholics were pagans because of their veneration of the Virgin Mary. Beats nothing, I guess.
If he can’t even get the basic geography right, one has to question the credibility of the entire story.
What, you never learned about the Mediterranean Ocean in school?
Boy, are you the stupid one.
Probably hate armed guards, and our troops, too.
But what does the Torah say about gate-crashing?
Or does it mandate armed guards for that, too?
Jeez, with everyone carrying guns around, or singing sweet paeans to those studs who do, it’s a wonder anybody ever gets laid. Threesomes, I’m guessing…
The Virgin Ben misses the point of the guards’ presence. He has apparently forgotten that Israel has little patience for “Reform Judaism.” The official religion is Orthodox Judaism. This of course means that after the wedding ceremony, there is a somewhat barbaric cloistering of the bride and groom so that the groom can, ahem, “inspect” the goods he bargained for. Since the Mrs. Virgin Ben is still alive and well, we can only surmise that she remebered her little vial of chicken blood.