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You have to hand it to John McCain’s vice-presidential search team. They found the perfect woman for John; she only speaks when instructed to, and she only says the things that they tell her to say. She’s like the Perfect Republican Woman!

More than 40 million people tuned in last week to listen to the speech from Palin, the 44-year-old, first-term governor whom McCain announced as his surprise vice presidential pick just days before. Since then, that basic script is all anyone has heard from her publicly, and her only interaction with the media was a brief conversation with a small group of reporters on her plane Monday – off the record at her handlers’ insistence.

Associated Press reporters were not on the plane, but an aide told the journalists on board that all Palin flights would be off the record unless the media were told otherwise. At least one reporter objected. Two people on the flight said the Palins greeted the media and they chatted about who had been to Alaska, but little else was said.

[...]

But none of the candidates in this race has been so shielded from the media, so protected from any spontaneous situation, and Palin’s unvarying remarks give the impression that she and her message are being tightly controlled. As before her convention speech, McCain’s campaign is briefing Palin for her first TV interview.

After a rally Tuesday in Lancaster, Pa., a group of supporters waiting outside to shake hands with McCain and Palin screamed for her to jump up on an outdoor platform, as McCain had just done, and speak to them.

"Speech! Speech!" they cried. She continued down the line, shaking hands, and then hopped into an SUV.

In her prepared remarks, there are always descriptions of McCain as a "man who’s there to serve his country and not just his party." He’s someone who’s "not looking for a fight but is not afraid of one either." He "doesn’t run with the Washington herd." He’s the only man in this election "who has ever really fought for you."

And always the same details about herself, how she "stood up to the special interests, the lobbyists, big oil companies and the good ol’ boys network," as a mayor and then governor in Alaska.

The people in their crowds, many of whom say they’ve heard these lines before, still go wild when she repeats that McCain put everything on the line last year when he said "he would rather lose an election than see his country lose a war."

It’s very simple; they pull the sting in her back and out comes : "Bridge to Nowhere – I said no thanks!", "Small towns rule, big cities full of scary dusky people drool", and  "Raymond Shaw John McCain is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life."

Needless to say this is the result of days of non-stop reprogramming by the McCain team on the  factory direct PalinBot v.1. Previously it only said things like:

  • " I’m going to take our federal earmarks check, cash it, and roll around naked in the money."
  • " Don’t fuck with me missy, I’ve had bigger people than you fired. So give me the extra side of guacamole free and  nobody gets hurt, m’kay?"
  • " Yes, Bristol. I took the condoms out of your purse. It’s not like you were going to be needing them. Why?"
  • "Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and moose; egg bacon and moose; egg bacon sausage and moose; moose bacon sausage and moose; moose egg moose moose bacon and moose; moose sausage moose moose bacon moose tomato and moose…"
  • "Good news kids. The per diem check showed up! Who’s up for McDonalds?"
  • "Todd, I’m gonna ride you like a Summit X 163 with a 151-hp Rotax® 800R Power T.E.K. engine with the ultra-light REV-XP™ chassis for a stunning power-to-weight ratio of 2.84 lbs. per hp. Now, come to momma…"
  • "Anyone know where I left Trig? I have a press conference coming up and I don’t feel like talking policy and shit like that."
  • "Either Willow makes cheerleader squad or you’ll be teaching gym in Chickaloon next fall. "
  • "If it moves, shoot it. If it doesn’t move, kick it till it does…then shoot it."
  • "Hi, Fredricks? I’m going to need another gross of the Naughty Librarian Fake Glasses."
  • "I have a head for business, a bod for sin, and a knife for gutting moose."
  • "Arrghh—pumblegarf shriek.Yaweh!Yaweh!bloodofthelambgabbgabbaheysnarfsnarf!!" (Sorry, church only)
  • "Lady Chatterly’s Lover – out, The Origin of Species – buh-bye, Satanic Verses – yeah right, see ya….. The Nigger of the Narcissus – is this about that halfrican guy I’ve been hearing about?"

and

  • "And if I can make it here, I’m gonna make it anywhere It’s up to me – Wasilla Wasilla".