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John Hawkins (seen above with Michael "Swarm of Oreo Locusts" Steele) of Right Wing News and Townhall switches gears from describing to us what he loves to telling to us what really grinds his gears:
A "You Suck" List Part Two
More constructive criticism aimed at idiots who are too dumb to ever take it: (See part 1 here)
Included on the list are:
- American colleges
- Sarah Palin haters
- The New York Times
- John McCain
- The Democrats in Congress
- The Slanket
and:
Rough toilet paper with a picture of a puppy, angel, or teddy bear on the front: If you’re going to sell rough tissue paper, you should have to take the picture of the fluffy bunny hugging an angel in a pile of feathers off the front of your packaging and replace it with a wire brush. That way, people will at least get a little truth in advertising.
Um. Okay. I mean, the Slanket seemed a bit out of place on the list but "scratchy toilet paper"?
To be fair to John, I didn’t read his You Suck List, Part One, so it might be like watching Ghetto Butt Blasters 6 not having seen Ghetto Butt Blasters 1 through 5 , which makes it kind of hard to understand the character’s motivations or follow the plot. But after reading You Suck Part Two, I have pretty much learned more about Hawkins than I really wanted to know and so, unless there is something in Part One that will wipe away the image of John screaming in agony behind a locked bathroom door, I think I’ll pass.
Think of it as one of those ‘ignorance is bliss’ moments…
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Sheesh. Hawkins seems to have a thing against smart people. And what’s a “slanket”?
In his defense his bio does state that,
“He’s the blogosphere’s premier interviewer”
So he has that going for him.
I remember reading something he wrote a few months back. He wants so badly to be a junior Jonah Goldberg.
Like dear Jonah, he posts on a number of topics dear to the brain dead window lickers dumb enough to read him regularly. Then he throws a little right wing humor in there…………..and fails.
Jonah does this over at The Corner all the time like clockwork. A post on Obama, a post on how liberals are bad, a post pimping his horrible book, a post in agreement with Ramesh Ponnuru on some banal topic and then he tops it off with a post on whether or not the Cylons on Battlestar Galactica are sexy.
Maybe John Hawkins should move in with Jonah. I have a feeling that all of the conservative money that has been tossed at these idiots, so they can run their websites, is about to go bye bye.
I love morons.
no self-awareness at all. if he had any, would he look like that? I think not. and telling his readers about his chafed butt: what’s with that? I guess when your livelihood consists of sitting on your fat ass for hours at a stretch, any discomfort there would be a problem.
The Slanket is a gigantic fleece blanket with sleeves, per teh Google.
Having seen the picture and looked at the list, I can only assume that Hawkins does not own a mirror. Either that or his list is horribly incomplete.
ALL conservatives have something against smart people. As John Stuart Mill observed, while not all conservatives are stupid, stupid people tend to be conservative. Personally, I think Mill was far too generous.
It’s the very definition of “constructive criticism,” isn’t it?
More than you wanted to know about the slanket (& a bit o’ pimping).
And doc, I know you aren’t an M. D., but if Hawkins isn’t a high-functioning autistic person, I’ve never seen one (I have. The resemblance is startling.) & that mail-order degree from the Senator Bill Frist School of Long-Distance Photo-Diagnosis isn’t worth the paper I printed it out on!
TBogg, you truly are some kind of genius.
I am going to ask everyone I know when the last time they’ve seen toilet paper as described, and if I get any response inside the last 10 years I’ll be shocked.
This survey will include all the teens I know.
Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I am certainly gayer for having read that quote about TP. I suppose I’m obligated to shower.
I thought he was trying to be the junior Andy Rooney. He has a long way to go to be that curmudgeonly, though.
I went ahead and read Part 1. Here’s what he was bitching about, in order:
-gay people in California who are boycotting pro-Prop 8 companies
-celebrities who talk about politics
-the skinny guy from the Mac/PC commercials (much like Hawkins, I’m too lazy to look up his name)
-reality TV
-telemarketers (As you can see, we’re getting into the controversial stuff here)
-unions and their “out-of-control greed,” (those greedy bastards, expecting to get paid what their contracts promise!)
-Republican senators
-Hollywood
-Barack Obama (Full comment: “Don’t get me started. There just isn’t enough time in the day.” Yeah, not like you had two whole columns to make your case or anything)
-the Burger King mascot
-airlines
-lawyers (and given his comments, he’d better hope that he’s never arrested for anything)
-AGW supporters who think that they’re hot shit just because they’re scientists
-newspapers
A pair of worthless columns to be sure, though I do love how he mixes political points with his sub-Rooneyisms about things that annoy him.
Unrelated note: Does anyone else find that Townhall slows down the browser? If I have a window to that mess of a site open while I’m making a comment, it absolutely chokes the life out of Firefox.
KillSmiley,
You’re not hallucinating. Townhall slows down the browser in my head.
(I have no problems with Safari, but the great bloggers wade into that for me. I just go to TH from time to time when I am doubting myself about something. It’s just a soul-condom.)
I can only assume that Hawkins does not own a mirror.
I was just thinking that his face looks a bit like what you’d get if John Candy (before he died) put his face in a Xerox machine, pressed the lid down really hard, and copied it out.
Why do these stupid people get these gigs and make much more than I do? Good lord, he probably thinks he is a super hot catch too. I need brain bleach now.
What you got against Candy?
I’ve never seen one of these advertised on a “librul” site. Maybe because some of us have figured out that you can save a couple of hundred bucks by putting an old down jacket on backwards in bed?
Hey, it’s not easy for great big gross fat motherfuckers to wipe their asses. Show some sensitivity.
John Hawkins looks even more like a Faulknerian idiot man-child than I imagined.
I thought it was Warren from There’s Something About Mary. I almost didn’t recognize him without his earmuffs. Fergodsake don’t touch his ears, Steele!
There’s a fairly funny albeit tasteless piece on utube right now wherein a retarded white cop does a racially profiled stop on a normal black driver. That pic looks like them, except in that pic they’re both retarded.
In ‘I’m screwed for an idea and my deadline approacheth, Part Uno’, he goes into a rant against the stupidity and highly annoying demeanor of reality show contestants, not one time realizing that he is the blogosphere equivalent of those same contestants…
-the Burger King mascot
I have to agree with him on that one.
Stupid slows down any kind of browser, it’s just like people, they have to gawk at the train wreck!