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From a very safe distance, one might call it a prophylactic mile, I am fascinated (and repelled!) by the Duggar family of Arkansas. See here here and, oh, here. I was surprised, but shouldn’t have been, to hear that these breeders without end (amen) had their own reality show and that they were scheduling episodes around the birth of yet another child and the very special episode of Dick Wolf’s OB-GYN: Spelunking Michelle‘s Hoo-Haa (available in HD. Check with your cable operator)
The other day the ever-aware mrs TBogg mentioned to me that the gotta-fill-time crazy cable network that carried the Duggar’s show would be broadcasting the marriage of eldest son Josh Duggar to Amy Winehouse and I’m just kidding about Amy Winehouse although inserting her into the Duggars lives would make it like the most kickass reality show ever. But anyway… Josh Bob was getting married and part of the marketing come-on was that he and his bride-to-be would be sharing their first kiss at the wedding. No. Really. No shit.
But wait. It gets better.
According to mrs TB, Jim Bob sat Josh Bob down to have the talk the night before the wedding and how did Jim Bob (who has done it like at least eighteen times) explain the two backed beast slouching towards Fayetteville to his first born?
"It’s kind of like Legos".
Um. Yeah. Just like that only over and over at least like five times or until you start to enjoy it.
And, since using the Lord’s name in vain is a sin, I’m going to assume that, as he expends his seed within her sacred grotto of future Jesusbots, Josh Bob will exclaim" You sank my Battleship!" because "Jenga!" would just be weird.
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No, sorry. All Duggar spawn are the product of immaculate conception.
“Is that a Lego in you pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Good grief, my 10-year old would be insulted two-fold if I tried to explain the horizontal shuffle using Legos as a metaphor. It’s not fair to the Legos, and, frankly, isn’t comparing something as amazing as sex with colorful plastic bits a bit unfair to the Big Guy who supposedly made us capable of having that kind of fun?
My god, we’ve got to stop the sale of Legos to impressionable young children before America becomes a nation of perverts….oh. Never mind.
To paraphrase Sarah Silverman, that vajayjay must be all kinds of flappity.
How come Duggar Pere (sorry, don’t know how to do the accent thingie) hasn’t named one “Jesus” yet? It seems like such a, pardon the subtlety, no-brainer to me.
Oh, and you owe me a new telephone for “Jenga!” But at least I missed the keyboard!
Has young Mrs. Josh Bob realised yet that she is supposed to pop out a quiver-full of Duggar spawn herself? Here, honey, I brought you a pair of running shoes and Jennifer Wilbanks’ un-used bus ticket. Run like the wind.
something as amazing as sex with colorful plastic bits
Funny you mention that I was at a party here in San Francisco the other night where there was a lot of that going on like wow these women were…Oh…uh, sorry, I think I mis-read that…my bad…
You have picutres of Lego three-ways being filmed & you’re condemning the breeder scum?
What a topsy-turvy world.
“It’s like legos” and “it’s like playdoh and bacon” – any one else sensing a family connection?
If there’s a God, the bride will look like this.
Please, Lord, I’m counting on you. Just one more favour this year.
Hmmmm … Jenga … There’s a J name they haven’t used yet! Bring on #19!
It’s exactly like Legos if your pelvic region is rectangular and you have multiple short stubby penises. The Duggar family are unique in many ways.
As ever, I just want the cameras there for Jim Bob & Michelle Get A Surprise Lesson In Statistics When J* Reveals That S/he Is Gay.
And since Josh Bob has already been a surrogate parent half of his life, poor fucker, I wouldn’t put it past him to come back to Papa BabyMill and say that he went to the doctor to have his Lego checked and accidentally got a vasectomy.
Amy Winehouse would be terrific. I’d be happy, though, if Rayette DiPesto showed up while you could hear Scissors Sister singing “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” over top.
Too early in the morning for me to come up a Lego joke. I will point out that, given current trends, Jim Bob will sire a child whose niece or nephew will be older than they are. Good times.
Nah, I’m pretty sure it’s the girls who do the bulk of the surrogate parenting. The boys change the oil and feed the dog or some shit. Point taken, though.
Th lovely young couple has website complete with a section called “marriage tools”
http://www.ja20.com/marriagetools.html
Despite the title, the advice is not so much about married life but how to turn to the Lord for fulfillment until your wedding.
Considering the couple has yet to even kiss and hasn’t even gotten the basics of baby-making down yet, I think poor new Mrs. Duggar will be turning to the Lord for fulfillment quite frequently, even after marriage. I am assuming of course that “the Lord” is the pet name she gave her vibrator.
First kiss at the wedding? It’s a good thing because the family apparently suffers from a genetic abnormality: kissing causes pregnancy.
Marriage tools? WTF?
Well, I don’t like to brag, but I prefer to think of my own sex life in the context of Lincoln Logs.
Us ares normal herre in AR. You is goin to hail fro puttin’ done on us.
Oh, Jim Bob. No matter what other challenges Josh Bob and his bride will have to meet in the years to come–and you’ve given Josh Bob many, by the manner of his upbringing–they will have almost certainly had contact with the internet. “Not having kissed” is not the same as “not having done anal”.
Can’t use that name; it’s has been taken by the Invading Brown Skinned Aztlan Hoards. When the Daughters of the American Revolution Mobile Home Park gets an application with the name Billy Bob “Hey-Zeus” on it, well, you know how “those people” are…
Am I really the first to suggest we’re missing an erector set joke here???
Ahem.
I’ve actually met Jim Bob. He was – get this – a state representative for six years back when I was lobbying for the tree-huggers and sodomites at the Arkansas legislature. Guess how popular I was! After he was term-limited out of the state leg, he ran for US Senate. His campaign mostly consisted of hauling his freakishly large family around to various public events, and running TV ads in which his offspring shouted “Vote for our daddy!”
Here’s what I can tell you about Jim Bob: he’s goofy. No other word adequately captures his essence. Think about the goofiest guy you’ve ever met, that’s him, only maybe goofier. Think about the one guy you’d least like to see be fruitful and multiply – that’s JimBob. If you’ve seen the movie Idiocracy , JimBob is Clevon except he doesn’t curse or drink and has all his kids with the same woman. Actually, about the only major point I though Idiocracy missed was in not having everyone in the future named Duggar.
Anyhoo, back at that time, JimBob only had about 12 kids…and several times during each legislative session he’d bring the whole brood to the capitol with him. They’d all be wearing matching outfits – boys in identical pants jackets and ties, and girls in matching jumperdresses. Poor Michelle by that time had already assumed a rectangular shape, and her hair was down to her butt and ratty at the end like it had never been cut – and it probably hasn’t yet, 8 years later.
I will say this for the Duggar brood – they were very well-behaved. Then again, so were the Stepford Wives.
I am assuming of course that “the Lord” is the pet name she gave her vibrator.
Well, sure. Blessed is she that comes in the name of the Lord.
And by the way, Hi Jennifer!
(All us Arkies know each other)
I think the title of the post says it all. These people should have all their sex with a Danish. Beats the hell out of Leggos.
Sip, swallow, scroll,
sip, swallow, scroll.
I’ll get it right (eventually).
Like throwing a vibrator down a hallway.
Have the Duggars misplaced someone? Sanity is certainly suspect in this case too.
This is, hopefully, something you have to pay extra to get (cable/satellite?).
Enjoy.
Laugh all you want at Jim Bob, but he has a major business enterprise from just having yet again another child. Is this a great country or what? How many men get to make a living from just…you know?
The Duggers are out in the open and have a web site and TV specials. If he had all these children with 4 wives in the FDL, his home would be raided, and rightfully so. And yet…Jim Bob will be fine, unless he starts impregnating the daughters, and with these numbers who would really ever know-what with biblical verses and all. Just pure sickness! Poor children.
You sank my Battleship!” because “Jenga!” would just be weird.
if he yells Jumanji does it all turn into a bad dream or just another sibling popping out?
HEY TBOGG… tbogg… tbogg (echoes) – help me find my car keys and I’ll drive ya home.
Yours in Christ,
JimBob
See, it’s a lot more like Tinker Toys. Really, he needs to get his analogies worked out better.
Oh Lord, dear Lord, oh, yes, yes, YESSS LORD!