Recognizing that the teabagging movement will never be taken seriously unless they grow beyond their astroturf roots and into a tree of liberty and low taxes for all but mostly rich people, the Tea Party Patriots (not to be confused with the more religious-minded Glory Holier Than Thous) are taking great pains to shape their ragged army of home-schooling moms, Randians, Scientologists, Social Security-collecting seniors who don’t like that damn hippity-hoppy music, Amway distributors who are going to be totally fucking rich, Neo-Nazis, birthers, embittered divorced dads with big dreams that never panned out, social maladroits (aka engineers), law professors from Tennessee, Birchers, Paultards, and Libertarians (see: maladroits, social) into a Lean Mean Message Machine.

Up until this point they have best been represented by Adenoidal Dumb-Voice Man With Baby and that pretty much turned off most Americans who have the ability to "hear voices and sounds and stuff".

With this in mind, the Teabagging Patriots have acquired the services of "Media Relations Expert" Andrew Ian Dodge:

In an effort to assist the hundreds (if not thousands) of Tea Party Patriots who are now facing the media for the first time in their lives, we are pleased to announce that Andrew Ian Dodge has agreed to serve as a volunteer Media Training Coordinator for TPP. Andrew has already positively impacted many in the movement with his straight forward, hard hitting approach to media training.

As best I can tell, Mr. Dodge is a blogger ("bloggers who combine a taste for heavy metal music with a taste for heavy metal politics…"), an author (self-published), a rock star (more on that later) and a computer game reviewer. Before we get to what may well become the Soundtrack for the Rest of Your Life, we give you: The Author.

The Sage and Edin were quietly relaxing in front of a warm fire in their West Wales home. Andrew, for a change, was reading something entirely unrelated to his work. He was, as it were, reading for total pleasure for the first time in a very long time. He was reading a paperback copy of the latest from Tom Clancy. A book with not even a hint of the supernatural in it. It merely contained all sorts of rouges bent on destroying the United States and its allies. He often wondered what it would be like to live in a world where there were no Old Ones, daemons or other supernatural nasties. It might be pleasant but it would mean that he and his compatriots would have had much more dull and boring jobs.

Beside his table sat a computer print-out, fresh from the printer, as yet untouched. It was entitled The Disappeared Quarterly, and the there was about half an inch thick of paper underneath the title page. The date of publication was written in Latin numerals and its authors all had the word brother before their last names. The tome, far being another lunatic conspiratorial screed, was in fact the most accurate account of human disappearances available anywhere. The publication was read in all corners of the security services and was widely respected. They were neatly catagorised, and certain areas of particular concern were highlighted if it were thought necessary. The cover letter, privately addressed to the Sage, pointed him to certain sections that might be of particular interest.

The unfortunates mentioned therein could wait a few more hours. Even an adept such as the Sage needed to rest his brain on occasion.

But wait! There’s more! But you have to promise to listen to it all of the way through, otherwise you hate America. Cry Freedom!

I’m not sure if this is better than Adenoidal Dumb-Voice Man With Baby, but it is certainly awesomer.

I, for one, am beginning to fear our eventual teabagging overlords. Or Sages. Whichever.