Things too long to twitter twat….

First off: 666 minions. Awesome. Also, Hail Satan!

666-minions.jpg

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If you are Amanda Carpenter and you are going to play the guilt by association game, it’s probably worth noting that you work for Kimchee Jesus who wants Jews to repent for killing real Jesus and who also thinks that homosexuals are "dung-eating dogs".

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Sweet Zombie Elvis! They just got around to burying Michael Jackson.

Tito…get me brainsssss

More than two months after he died, and following a steady trickle of gossip over how and where he would be laid to rest, Michael Jackson was entombed Thursday night at a highly guarded mausoleum in a Los Angeles suburb.

About 200 people, including Elizabeth Taylor, Lisa Marie Presley, Macaulay Culkin, Quincy Jones and many other celebrities, attended the nearly 90-minute ceremony behind the gates of the heavily guarded Forest Lawn cemetery here, several miles north of downtown Los Angeles.

With closed streets, nervous guards, restricted airspace over the grounds and family and friends arriving in a multi-vehicle motorcade, the proceedings took on the feel of a presidential visit

…except there were fewer shouty old people packing heat. I guess his family was waiting on Michael Jackson to arise in glory on the third day but, you know, no dice. In the meantime, Jackson friends and family took turns keeping Michael’s body, just like the Stanley Cup, so they could show it off to their friends at parties. No beer pong on the casket, please.

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More and more parents are afraid that the Black Negro president guy will talk to school children about sex in the butt  on Tuesday so school boards in six states aren’t going to show the speech. Students in South Carolina will instead spend the their time reading State Board of Education approved Are You There God? It’s Me, Kristin the Cum Slut.

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We’re only eight months into the Black Negro president guy’s new job and Politico starts pumping up the horserace by suggesting General Petraeus and Morning Joe Scarborough because one kills Islamomuslims and the other one has has some innovative ideas about reducing government payroll.

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Lastly, prior to the Miss USA pageant, Princess Jesus Boobies was VERY UNHAPPY that the California Pageant officials were HARSHING HER MELLOW and not letting her go to HER HAPPY PLACE:

"Our differences began in January," Lewis told FoxNews.com yesterday, rebutting Prejean’s claims that tensions arose after she voiced her opinions on Proposition 8. "Carrie became a challenge. She wanted everyone to jump through hoops for her, but she wasn’t willing to cooperate. She is very good at receiving, but not at giving. We were very patient with Carrie, but she wasn’t following – her contract.

"For proof of this, Lewis offered Fox an all-caps e-mail dated March 9th which reads, "I WILL NOT BE VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ANYMORE BY ANY OF YOU. I HAVE A COMPETITION TO PREPARE FOR. I WILL NO LONGER BE DEALING WITH ANYONE WHO IS GOING TO BRING ME DOWN AT THIS POINT. I WILL ONLY SURROUND MYSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME HAPPY. AND RIGHT NOW, THAT IS NONE OF YOU. I WILL SEE YOU ALL IN APRIL. PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME AT ALL FROM THIS POINT FORWARD."

Wow. And after all the boobs they gave her. She’s like the girlfriend who waits to break up with you the day after Christmas.

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Also. Extra Lastly. This is the funniest comment thread I have ever read. Link fail. This is the comment thread I meant to link to. Sorry.