If you don’t have the time to hike the Appalachian Trail then a lunchtime stroll through the cemetery will have to do.

Fired? I guess that means he and his wife won’t get to do their standup routine for the media.

Tiptoe through the tombstones
Won’t you meet me
By the sepulcher
And tiptoe through the tombstones
With me

I am equally horrified and fascinated by what exactly he had imagined he would experience that that he would need to have sex toys ‘just in case’.

For detentions lasting longer than four hours, consult an attorney.

“just in case” is the greatest excuse ever for being caught with sex toys!

…the Platinum Plus Gentleman’s Club…
“Would the gentleman care to order a beverage while he waits for his under-the-table handjob?”

Since he works with his wife all day it’s no wonder he wants to have a quick screw with his great granddaughter during his lunch break.

What do I know about teabagging?

You’ll have to read my book.

–Levi Johnston

It wouldn’t be the South without recursive family trees.

Just “a” Viagra pill? What, he kept it in a locket or something?

And is this what they mean that “The South will rise again?”

Don’t those tombstones in the picture remind you of something???

Hmmmm? Hmmmm?

Mr. Corning apologizes to his wife and family, and the people of South Carolina. He asks their forgiveness, and Jesus’s also. Since he is no longer employed, you may reach him for further comment at the Platinum Plus Gentlemen’s Club. He’ll be there as soon as he stops at Walgreen’s to pick up a prescription.

“Wow, that thing is ENORMOUS! What do you call it?”

“A beer belly. Look a little lower.”

A true Southerner would reply, “When you have equipment like mine it’s a sin not to put a shed over it.”

He then searched the SUV, where he found a Viagra pill and several sex toys, items Corning said he always kept with him, “just in case,” according to the report.

…Because you never know when those things will kick in….

Vanilla is right. Particularly if Viagra is required. The law enforcement officers in the Palmetto State are veritable sexual slackers compared to their neighbors to the north, where a sherrif’s deputy in one small town who piloted the rescue helicopter allegedly flew the “bird” into a utility pole while receiving oral ministrations from a local stripper–which he allegedly kept with him “just in case.” To be fair, “It was a dark and stormy night….”

Okay, so that accounts for the SUV.

Well, at least he wasn’t in the Confederate cemetery. That would be a moral affront to the memory of our sainted martyrs of our culture and heritage.

It’s the officer’s wife who works in the Attorney General’s office, not the sex-toys-holder. The officer called his own wife and asked if this idiot really did work where he said he did, and that’s how the AG’s office found out about it.

Because, if you’re caught with a prostitute in a cemetery, a sure-fire way to “get off” is to flash a badge showing you’re somebody important…

The key is clearly wetsuits, plural.

He and the 18-year-old woman with him ….. gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery, Officer Michael Wines wrote in his report, though he did not elaborate.

First of all, Officer Wines had no business leaving out the all-important “conflicting stories”. The 18-year-old woman obviously claimed something like “Roland is giving me a ride home from High School”. But, WTF did Roland say he was doing? I’m racking my brain here….?

Ever been stuck in one of Interstate-95’s infamous traffic delays? That may be what he meant.

Just in case of what?

Being that his hamburger helper was so young, perhaps Mr. Cornholio was just trying to rob the cradle and rob a grave at the same time.

And unless he’s into this sorta thing, perhaps he wouldn’t need to pop pee-pee power pills if he didn’t try to do the nasty surrounded by dead bodies. Can’t think of a much bigger turn-off, well except for the thought of Roger “The Hut” Ailes and Newt Gangrene naked in a hot sauna….lathering each other with oil….that’s pretty gross too.

I’m racking my brain here….?

Is that what the kids call it now???

“…so he can bang prostitutes in cemeteries is pretty vanilla…”

Nah, he’s old school or retro or whatever. I’m just surprised he was with a girl. The normal reaction from “those” folks is: the big black man scared me, so I offered him a twenty to give him a blow job in the public crapper……

the preacher with the wetsuits set the bar Way To Fuckin High for average Joe…

But, WTF did Roland say he was doing?

Ummmm… Showing her his great-great-grandpappy’s tombstone because it had a carving of a squirrel on it?

That lunatic asylum of a state is just across the river from us. I hope to hell whatever it is that afflicts them isn’t airborne. We’ve got enough problems as it is, without having a wave of silly-sexytime hit like some wretched flu.

Voters who have kin buried there must be thrilled to hear of this.

Here’s a video of Roland in the grave yard.

I originally read that as “Roland Coming”, which is not bad for a porn name.

great. now i can’t get tiny tim out of my head.