Caught up, as I was, in all the food folks and fun of NY23 (represent! holla!) I failed to take notice of the equally important race in NYC District 6 where voters elected to not take the ‘Load less traveled:
Joshua Goldberg — Lucianne’s son and Jonah’s brother — has been trounced. Trounced.
This was indeed sad news at Goldberg ‘09 campaign headquarters (Lucianne’s basement) as Joshua’s opponent was declared the winner about twenty-two seconds after the polls closed. Soon the victory Bagel Bites grew cold, the Yoohoo on ice started to warm as the ice sheds tears of bitter failure. Joshua was left to confront a future that includes a Thanksgiving in a few weeks when brother Jonah pushes himself away from the dinner table after his third pie, looks at his watch, and exclaims,” Whoa. Look at the time! I’ve got an LA Times column to write”.
Joshua will be left to push some of his cold mashed potatoes around his plate with his fork as he thinks back to the advice that his campaign manager gave him but he chose not to follow:
1. Don’t run.
2. If you do, change your name to Jeb Palin.
Then he will clear the table. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with Tupperware.
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That’s OK.
Josh will soon have his Levi Johnston Playgirl issue and weeks of grudge-fapping to comfort him…
LOL at “The ‘Load less traveled.”
How pathetic must this guy be when Jonah is the successful brother?
The Load less traveled – an instant classic.
Then he will clear the table. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with Tupperware.
Sheer poetic brilliance.
Joshua. Meh. Not so much.
That resume of his is a sheer treasure trove of snarky goodness.
Shorter 42-year Joshua’s resume:
Tour Guide
Mommy Got Me A Job
Tour Guide
Mommy Got Me A Job
Tour Guide
Mommy Got Me A Job
Also. Fishmonger.
Holy shit. I think I could run for NYC Council wearing nothing but a Tickle Me Elmo doll duct-taped to my groin and “I ♥ al-Qaeda” permanently tattooed on my chest, and still clear 7000 votes.
(I know what you’re thinking, but forget it–that was just a one-time Halloween costume)
“with Tupperware”?
I guess “with a burp” could’ve been read too many ways…
Perhaps Joshua should have gotten endorsements from such luminaries as Sarah Palin, Rick Santorum an Tim Pawlenty? Maybe appeared on Glenn Beck? Or have Fred Thompson tape a commercial for him?
Look how well that strategy worked for Doug Hoffman in NY23!
WOLVERINES!
Wow. That resume lists a lifetime of fail.
His only listed occupation for the past year is doing day-to-day maintenance for his Mom’s website.
Well, this has GOT to be good news for John McCain.
Hmmmm. I can’t understand why he lost. With a resume like that, he should have had the Pathetic Loser demographic completely nailed down.
To be compassionate for a moment, he is rather pitiful. Imagine having to look up to The Load as your successful big brother.
Geez, Josh really blew his chance to check K-Lo for wet spots last nite, dint he?
That resume is priceless – it starts with his High School attendance.
No wingnut welfare (apart from Mom)? How dumb can this guy be?
I suppose there is another brother named Spalding, and he picks his nose.
“Soon the victory Bagel Bites grew cold…”
Not. Gonna. Happen. Not in the Goldberg household.
Soon the victory Bagel Bites grew cold, the Yoohoo on ice started to warm as the ice shed tears of bitter failure.
Ha haaaaaa.
Btw, con “bites” are regular size. Normal is super-size.
Now now, be respectful. After all the Littlest Pantload has another three and a half seconds of political utility!
Remember always: just because you’re a failed human being in every way & every day doesn’t mean you can’t be a “successful” Republican. Quite the contrary.
So, coming soon: book deal. Morning show on Pox News. Gig w/ big bro at big bro’s writing-word-think-thingie…
He was in high school for 6 years? Truly Sarah Palin’s soulmate.
you are a national treasure, Mr TBogg.
I’ve always suspected Jonah writes his columns etherised upon a table.
Dear Diary,
Having failed at everything else I put my hand to, I decided that politics would be my salvation…
His résumé is the quintessential litany of failure that presages Republican greatness so I wouldn’t count out the forty-two-years-young Goldberg just yet. If Lucianne will just spring for the tuition to send him to the Sarah Palin Institute of Political Gibberish he’ll make good. No, really: he knows what he did wrong the last time.
OK, apparently Jonah is littler than Josh by a couple of years. But that won’t keep them both from longing to soil a blue dress. Conservative celebrity wanted for tupperware party.
AHA!
that’s the most pathetic resume I’ve ever seen. The only job he kept for more than a couple years was a tow truck driver!
Oops, he was a tourguide for one company for 3-4 years. whoopie.
You do realize that by running for elective office that puts him in the lead among Goldbergs in the Personal Merit Sweepstakes.
My, what a fantabulous resume. So the longest job he ever had was a HS student?? I can hear the job interviewer now. “And why did you leave that job? Did you quit or were you fired?”
Oh no–the Lite-Load’s resume is even “Liter” than it seems at first glance. He not only spent six years in high school, but had a job guarding the family yacht; he gave tours using the family yacht, and he allegedly edited copy AND managed an editor’s website–despite some glaring typos on that online resume! Surely the “little people” in NYC’s 6th Dist. can empathize….
Dear God that resume is hilarious.
You fuckers quit picking on Josh the Booger Eater. He “Worked at Ground Zero from 9/13 thru 9/25.” He’s a hero!
What? That was in 2004?
Oh, never mind…..
p.s.
“Managing day-to-day operations & promote news website. (Traffic has increased 23% in 6 months).”
Oh shit! I punched up that site and now traffic has increased by 200% this quarter………..
p.p.s.
Also, why do all their websites have “forgot password?” as a main tab?
What? Oh, that’s standard on booger eater websites?
He’s got a huuuuuge career designing republican websites; that design is just sublime. I hope that he gets Mommy to pay for his new copy of Adobe Creative Suite 4, I’m sure he’ll put it to good use!
I also know that if I were a voter there, I’d be like totally convinced to vote for him since he was a tow-truck operator at Ground Zero at some point from 9/13-9/25 between the years 2000-2004. That’s just teh awesome!
(Traffic has increased 23% in 6 months).
Wonkette linked to his letter on Mommy’s site when they endorsed him. And with a Wonkette endorsement, I’m surprised he lost – was there some kind of men’s room scandal I didn’t hear about? (Although why that should matter for a republican is beyond me.)
well there was that unfortunate alone with my hot pocket business
I’ve always suspected Jonah writes his columns etherised upon a table.
Heh.
Man, I haven’t heard such a stirring campaign speech since the one Paul Metzler delivered when he ran for student body president (”Election”, 1999).
Heh, heh.