On the other hand, this Twilight thing did something good for at least one non-fan:

(303): she was so “full of love” from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?

So, umm, yeah.

Of course…

(905): Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?

did know stubbornestgeezer wore Depends. did not know stubbornestgeezer could text…

When the first piece of crap came out on video, we rented it. Even my tween queen daughter was bored to tears.

To give you a sense of who loves this movie: my in-laws and their children. Despite being good Dems (though I suspect that’s more from being union people in a Mid-Atlantic state), their entire life revolves around a mass produced mall sort of existence. They are actually EXCITED to go to Target or Starbuck’s—and post as much on Facebook.

Heh. Warped minds think alike, apparently:

I wrote this on my Facebook page the other day:

“With New Moon being released, it clearly needs to be said. Vampires do not sparkle in sunlight. They turn to ash and blow away. While we’re at it, 1991 called. It wants its black trench-coat, black boots, black shirt, black lipstick wearing angst-ridden teens back. This was a tired idea when I saw somebody do it in a LARP Vampire: The Masquerade game in 1993. The Twilight series needs to die in a fire.”

No kidding.

Yeah, what a steaming pile of a movie Twilight was. Can’t imagine New Moon is going to be any better. We went to it about a week after it opened because of my 14 year old son.

He actually read the first three of the series. He didn’t read the fourth one, simply because he couldn’t go on. I suspect he was actually under the influence of a thirteen year old girl he dotes on when it came to reading them in the first place.

He’s either over the girl, or the books, or both, because he openly ridicules them now.

Congrats on getting your son back! :-)

BTW, another group that LOVES the series are my adult only because they’ve turned 18 tech school students. To give you a sense of their collective thought process, they also view me as the world’s biggest meanie for not creating cross word puzzle study guides for them, make it invariably apparent they never do any reading by their blank stares and couldn’t possibly pass a test if I didn’t read and answer each question for them (and even then some of them manage to fail–and they’ll all ask what they should study) the day prior.

I just thank God that Johnny Depp is too old and James Dean is too dead to make one of these movies.

Oh crap, should have known it was Magic-Underwear people behind this. From Joseph Smith on, they’ve had an amazing talent for sucking the very life out of any cultural mythos they find themselves surrounded by, whether Jesus or Dracula.

Did you miss this one:

(

306): This is the LAST time i’m accepting the excuse “tequila made me do it”. Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback’s itunes singles is fucking retarded

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/55288

so is there a majic golden salamander in this piece of Mormon fiction too???

I have a little sister who is devoted to the books. Trust me, the only one worth reading is the last – if you can plow through hundreds of pages of details about vampire wars, there is a subplot straight out of Cronenberg in which Bella finally has sex with her now-husband Edward, waking up the next morning covered in bruises and impregnated with an all-powerful baby, who breaks her ribs, fractures her pelvis, and makes her vomit blood.

In the end, Edward has to give her an impromptu C-section – with his teeth.

Oh, and after he rips open her uterus and removes the Demon Spawn, Bella’s erstwhile werewolf crush Jacob falls in love with it. Seriously. There’s some mumbo jumbo explanation involving animals mating for life and whatnot – but the idea of an older man finding he’s “destined” to be married to a child is pretty old-school Mormon, yeah? The love triangle finishes, the vampire war ends before it starts, and the whole thing is wrapped up with a childish “they all lived forever happily ever after” scene: not just a perfectly immature ending to one of the most ill-thought-out series conclusions (and okay, series in general) ever, but an unmistakable echo of the Mormon “celestial marriage” ideal.

In a sense, it’s accidentally genius. The grotesque aftereffects of vampire sex, the demented view of pregnancy as a life-ruining punishment, the simplistic ending that ignores any hint of creepiness in the preceding chapters. If there was ever a perfect portrayal of the bodily horror a life of suppressed sexuality impresses upon the repressed and naive, this is it.

This IS a review of Going Rougie by Sarah McBotoxPalin right? Also?

You’re shitting us, right?
I mean, nobody, not even 13-year-old girls could like that ending, so you’re shitting us because the publisher would’ve got a fixer in to change that to something very sappy and not creepy as hell, so you’re shitting us right?

Actually, Dracula was stuffed with repressed sexuality and Mina was as backwards as Bella. The Mormon Pride and Prejudice dealt with a lot of the same issues as the real one. So it seems the only problem with our culture is that it’s 2009 and some of us prefer to pretend it’s 1809.

Or 1773 if a teabagger ye be, also…

IIRC, the salamander was white.

And the walrus was Paul.

Goo goo gajoo! Nice article, couple of those texts made me spit on my monitor. Mission accomplished.

Oh!

So THAT explains why Robert Pattinson, in answer to the question “What are you most looking forward to?,” answered, “I’m looking forward to performing the Caesarean.”

I wonder if the 4th book wasn’t out yet because this comment shut the screaming fangirls right up.

(New Moon press conference at the last Comic Con. A liveblog of the event I read somewhere was hilarious.)

At this point if anyone asks me about this series, I tell them “You don’t want to know my opinion, because if I told you we’d be here for the next half-hour.”

What kills me is I know a nice couple with two kids who will let them read Twilight but have banned Harry Potter from the house (because Harry Potter is OMG Witches!). Trying to explain that gives me a nosebleed.

No kidding. My husband loves Harry Potter but had nothing to do with Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the X-Files because of the “occult elements”. Needless to say I have not gotten from one end of any of these Twilight books to the other. “Dead Until Dark” is the only one of these vampire books I ever wanted to get from one end to the other of, and Laurell K. Hamilton used to go to every convention here until she got ridiculously famous.

The explanation is very simple.
Stupidity.

In defense of Dracula, unlike Twilight, it was written in the Victorian Era…where fucked up sexuality wasn’t a bug, but rather a feature.

(I suspect Anita Blake has gone on too long, but people have to make money)

Twilight? Pfffft! I’ll stick with the vampires in “From Dusk Till Dawn” – especially Salma Hayek.

Not that I have any sort of respect for Twi-hards or any desire to read or watch any of the installments of this series, but that guy Chez that your first link goes to sounds like a bit of a tool.

I’ve said it before, but one of my biggest recent proud father moments was when my Brilliant Offspring (squarely in the _Twilight_ target market) commented that she’d given up in the middle of the third book. “I could feel the brain cells dying.”

Wow, that sounds just like True Blood only bad.