Classic Tbogg.

OK, I posted this on an earlier thread, but it seems more appropriate here -

The epitaph on Jonah Loadpants’ tombstone will read:

I’d dwell on this more, but I’m on a deadline.

Jonah, at home with the Missus:

Not tonight dear, I have a deadline.

I Googled “deadlines and Jonah Goldberg” and this gem popped up.

Deadlines are hallmark of democracy by Jonah Goldberg

But as we all know, Jonah is perpetually late for Democracy. It’s the deadlines you know.

Please, please, please don’t forget he used the birth of his child for ” Don’t blame me for being late on my book/not going to war/being a douche” for at least a year and a half.

From Tim Grieve at Salon, back in the day:

The National Review editor and Los Angeles Times columnist has taken a lot of grief for advocating the war in Iraq without volunteering to fight it himself. Goldberg has defended himself — “I’m 35 years old, my family couldn’t afford the lost income, I have a baby daughter,” he wrote last year — but his only real friend is time: Goldberg turns 36 in March, which would put him beyond the Army’s cutoff age for new active-duty recruits and out of the path of continuing scorn.

Or at least it would have. As the Associated Press reports today, the Army’s recruiting woes have led to a new law that will raise the top age for active-duty recruits from 35 to 42. That gives Goldberg and other chicken hawks his age six more years in which they can sign up for the war they’ve been happy to have others fight.

In this case, maybe he hit all of the above.

I meant to add – and then there was his hilarious snit/feud with Timothy Noah
about the publication and lateness of the tome he was and is so unnaturally fond of.

Even before the post-election Zeitgeist shift, Liberal Fascism was looking like what in Hollywood they call a “troubled production.” Liberal blogger Roger Ailes (not to be confused with his conservative doppelgänger at Fox News), who has been tracking the release of Goldberg’s book like a bloodhound, reports that its publication has been delayed at least four times. First it was to appear in 2005, then March 20, 2007, then Sept. 18, 2007, and now Dec. 26, 2007, which eliminates the possibility that Santa will tuck it into your Christmas stocking. (According to conservative blogger Ed Driscoll, the book was also once scheduled to be published in April 2006 and then August 2006, which would bring the delay count up to six.) Goldberg first announced that he would write Liberal Fascism (“my plan is to discuss how many aspects of modern Left-liberalism actually resemble aspects of authentic fascism”) in March 2003 and said he was looking for a researcher. In November 2006, Goldberg was once again looking for a researcher, this time “to help get my copious footnotes and the like in order” and to perform “some serious research-related stuff to do as we head into galley mode.” Now it’s March 2007, and Goldberg’s editor, Adam Bellow, tells me the book has been delayed until late December because “it’s extensively footnoted and it’s sensitive material and we want to thoroughly vet it.” You think it’s easy documenting that Hillary Clinton baked Toll House cookies for the Wannsee conference?

Somewhere in the back and forth, he brought up his daughter. Again.

Because I’m a sucker for Whiny Spawn of Lucianne Goldberg humor I looked up the other excuse..

Me: Frankly, I find Tim Noah to be a bore and a fairly nasty and humorless fellow. And he’s been whining about me ever since I called him a journalistic hall monitor years ago.

But I will say this. He has absolutely no idea what he’s talking about, which he basically admits. His assertion that the book’s delayed for marketing reasons would be a flat-out lie if it weren’t flat-out conjecture. As my wife, various friends and colleagues and sundry others can attest, the book is delayed because it’s not done yet. The reasons for that have to do with any number of things (revisions, work distractions, my father’s death, the birth of my child, etc etc) and, as far as I’m aware, marketing isn’t even on the top ten. Noah, who hasn’t read it, is invested in a theory and simply imagines facts to substantiate his usual sneering schtick.

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more..say no more.

Heh, no one digs his own grave deeper than Jonah.

This statement…

is invested in a theory and simply imagines facts to substantiate his usual sneering schtick.

describes his entire book. If Liberal Fascism is ever reprinted, that quote should be on the cover.

Someday Jonah will arrive at the Pearly Gates only to find there is no one to greet him. After hours and hours of waiting, a secretary will appear with a hastily scrawled message: “I’d let you in, but I’ve got this eternal deadline…“

And the fact that someone pays him to write something by this “deadline” is proof that the free market is infallible, right? Or wait, that assumes he’s ever written for a profitable enterprise and not just some group of lowly fucktards that have never made a profit and only get their wingnut welfare checks because their mother once said something to someone who had something to do with the Monica Lewinsky scandal, which gave one permanent membership to the “all expenses paid” GOP club.

I’d love to join you in this Jonah thread, but I am busting a deadline.

43 instances by my quick count. It’s like Homer when he said do’h 32 times in [9F17] So It’s Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show ~ http://www.snpp.com/guides/dohs.html

Keep the pressure up, he’s gotta meltdown.

To further paraphrase the Marx Brothers:

Hooray for Captain Pantload,
The Laziest of Whore-ers.

And if that isn’t funny, forgive me but I’m on deadline (in that I don’t want to try harder)
…He is the only white man
Who covered every acre.

“”I’m on a deadline so I’m not going to … “”

Shorter ‘Load: “”Hot pockets ready!”"

For someone meeting so many deadlines, the Pantload sure seems to have a dearth of actual information being provided.

But considering that it is the Pantload, that’s probably not a bad thing.

I’m pretty sure that the inability to meet (or often recognise the existence of) a deadline is the hallmark of the creepy rightwinger. I encountered this constantly among the clowns who, tho wannabe soldjers, never managed to execute on -anything-. I always wondered why their houses weren’t foreclosed, their power turned off, their cars taken away – somehow those tricksy deadline thingies just didn’t apply. No consequences!

Yeah he doesn’t have time to explain things to ya because he really has nothing to say.

Oh, and he is also on deadline.

Also.

Perhaps regular AFDC-type welfare should institute deadlines. They do seem to do wonders for ones self esteem.

I think when he says he is on a “deadline” he means that his brain has flat lined (which is does at least twice a day).

Jonah’s problem isn’t a deadline – it’s a flatline.

Edit: Curse you, Dr. Dick! And curse my arthritic fingers.

Why do they keep letting this guy write? Nepotism can only go so far. I mean, can’t they find him a nice job in the mail room or something?

I’m not sure if this is the real Load or FauxLoad—
From Roy Edroso’s comments:

John Goldberg
An e-mailer alerted me to this repulsive thread.
Sigh.
Obviously, I disagree with your “analysis” and would love to go into detail as to why, but I am up against numerous deadlines before departing for a long overdue and much needed. vacation.
With that, I’ll end it here so as not to lower myself to all you’ns level.
(BTW, plenty of good seats available for my New Year’s night talk at the Cornell Ratskeiller back room, 7 p.m. tickets only $3 a pop).

Either way, it’s Vintage Goldbrick.

Wait wait wait–Jonah is forty?!? This, this addle-pated nepotist who looks like he finally graduated from J-school with gentleman’s Cs six months ago, who acts and writes as if he has an anti-gravitas field that he can’t turn off, he’s forty years old? I… I almost feel sorry for him. There’s being boyish, and then there’s something like a late-onset version of that rare disease that some people get that keeps them from going through puberty, only it kicks in at the period of your life that you least want to get stuck in.

Wait, can’t brother Joshua, he of the failed campaign, tour guiding, and editing for Mommy be of some assistance with this deadline problem? He seems to have a great deal of free time now. I mean, he could at least hit the spell check button and run out to grab big brother’s lunch of Double Whoppers and Hostess Sno Balls once in a while. This would free up Goldberg the Greater to do more thinkin’ and cipherin’. Just trying to help.

This is like the written equivalent of Jon Stewart’s “we’re gonna have to leave it there” masterpiece. Bravo, Sir Bogg.

“Goldberg the Greater” — Girthier, perhaps, but Greater? Surely, Sir, you jest? Let us wish Jonah godspeed in the year ahead: may the deadlines be fewer and the need for his wit ever greater. I, for one, can’t wait to see what he’ll cook up to entertain us…

In his one-sided feud with Tim Noah, Jonah the G couldn’t POSSIBLY have missed the fact that Noah lost his wife to cancer in January 2005, helped edit and got her book of collected essays (including the ones on living with, and dying of, stage-four liver cancer), published… right on schedule. So Deadline Deadbeat Josh is out-gunned and out-classed by a real journalist/widower who is raising two school-age children.

“The Woman at the Washington Zoo,” by Marjorie Williams, is one of my ALL-TIME favorite books. Lots of copies available (starting at $1.96 at Amazon). Buy it, read it, give it to a friend. For every copy that sells… makes the Doughy Pantload cry.

For more on the late, lamented Marjorie (a much-missed friend of a friend of mine), see: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A14297-2005Jan16.html

Glorious post, Tbogg.

That was superb. Looks a little like Duchamp or Borofsky. LMAO.

I started reading this and figured there might be as many as a dozen or so examples….and then it was like the loaves and the fishes.

I wonder if Jonah himself will ever see this (or Mrs. Biscuitbarrel’s fantastic comparison to a real professional). I so, so hope he does.

C’mon now, people! Those Cheetos aren’t going to eat themselves.

I’d love to read all this, but I’ve got some lines to do. Toodle-ooo!

pass the Mountain Dew *brap*

Yea, it’ll go from massive overuse to complete cold turkey, I’ll bet. We’ll see and then we’ll know if he saw this. What a maroonic moran, and colossal excuse-maker. Can’t stand these types when dealing with them in professional life. Hallmark of laziness.

In Jonah’s case, a deadline is the same as a flatline.

I am also reminded of Monty Python’s Election Night Special wherein Eric Idle repeats “Can I just say this is the first time I’ve been on television?” and the moderator (Cleese) responds “No I’m sorry, there isn’t time…”

I can understand the repeated delays of Jonah’s book’s publication date. Writing a book about the evils of liberalism in the midst of the Bush/GOP years would be like trying to write a book about the dangers of trans-fats while enduring a famine.

I didn’t think it was possible but now Deadline Doogie looks even worse. But thanks for sharing the real talent of Marjorie Williams.

For the real belly-laugher, this is still my favorite..

My book isn’t like Dinesh’s latest book. It isn’t like any Ann Coulter book. It isn’t what the Amazon description says or what the Economist claims it is. Or what Frank Rich imagines it is. It is a very serious, thoughtful, argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care.

He’s a regular Mock-a-Thon.

Great post, great comments, but but begged is the question, does he ever actually make his deadlines?

The Pantload’s prolific use of the word as an excuse for not having to engage with his opponents in the reality-based community takes on a new meaning when one considers the etymology of the word. A metaphor which, I’m sure, escapes the douchebag extraordinaire.

well, he would if he just didn’t have that other damn deadline

Jobs that have paid him an advance, because they could sue for breach of contract.

You gotta wonder about the people who decide he’s worth forking out dough for. Clearly their heads are loosely screwed.

I don’t know how this guy scrapes by when he’s 100% full of shit.

He seems to be arguing that the Nazi skinheads and racist rednecks of any given town can be found down at the local tavern on Tuesday night hanging out with the “Drinking Liberally” crowd and proudly showing off their freshly renewed ACLU membership cards.

WTF.?

Johah is clearly unaware of all Internet traditions, and particularly the fact that anyone can look up what you’ve written before in about 20 seconds. But then, our boy is not noted for being what we like to call “smart.”

Sadly, yes.

Rush Limbaugh rushed to Hawaii hospital, chest pains? AP story

He’s too busy making an arguemnt that has never been made with such care and thoroughness before, to have time to address lesser issues.

Don’t want to think what follows the ellipsis in this entry:

because I have a morning deadline. I think K-Lo wants to . . .

I would be convinced if your list was longer.

Jonah thinks the Na’Vi shoulda been Catholic:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/30/avatar-and-religion-jonah_n_407216.html

LOL LOL LOL!!!!!

Thank you, TBogg!
When oh when will poor Jonah realize he’s on a Dead Line.?.
Jonah, move away from the Dead Line. It’s going to suck you under the bus!

I read the LA Times, & every Tuesday they print Goldberg’s latest column. Ugh. I’m glad I’m not the only one who can’t stand him. I didn’t realize he misses deadlines, though. Heh, funny.

Heh.

Did he MISS deadlines or use them as his excuse not to further enunciate? Little blurry on that. Aren’t missed Dead Lines a major sin?

“Rush Limbaugh rushed to Hawaii hospital, chest pains?”

Be still his heart.

Oh, let us hope his loving family has time to gather round.

Didn’t know he had family, just ex-wives and, of course, the bride-to-be.

Yanno, I’m just wondering if there is an atomic element called, oh let’s just say, Pantloadium.

And too much of it concentrated in one space-time location makes “deadlines” appear, and only stoopid shit ever comes out of it.

Define family in Rush Limbaugh’s world. People who sue you for a percentage of net wealth? Hell if I know.
It’s got to be different than the average social image of Family.
Bride-to-be who’s not fucking stupid when she looks at his medical charts and tax bracket….assuming she’s not going for hourly wage. In which case, she might be fucked. For all that fucking of Rush Limbaugh. Oh, the grossness!
No mother of a daughter should have to imagine that!!!

Well, no doubt, if you weren’t on a deadline yourself you would have nabbed the other 673 instances when a deadline whisked Goldberg away from “the rest of the story”.

Lucky us.

Jonah looks scruffy and sweaty.

What I don’t understand; Why are the Right Wingers attracted to strangely effiminate men, men who stage tears and angst? It’s so weird. When you’re going face-to-face with them they’re like, Super Men with no idea of how Lily-Handed their icons truly are. They would scorn manicured hands but they can’t see them. In all the photos.

Except they call the cops if you spice your local anti-war vigil with Iraq Veterans Against The War who’ve been there. Who are trying to free their friends from Stop Loss/ Endless Tours. Then they call them phony soldiers. And they’re own sons are in Iraq. You can’t press too hard ,as a liberal, against a parent who has a son in Iraq.
They Right Wingers don’t feel that nobility with our young Iraq Vets.
Then they morph into pussies who call the cops. And our brave young soldiers present their ID”s and explain why they are standing with these old hippies. And why they crossed the fucking street to talk with the Pro-War People. And more cops come. And I get an attitude, as a Peace Mother.
We had a Peace Woman,85 years old, who wrote to the Mayor and the Chief-of-Police to complain about the cop tactics. Fucking nailed it. The cops were ordered to Stand Down.
Grandmothers’ Rock!!! Ask Argentina.

This post was as much a waste of time as a Goldberg column.

My sincere apology. I hit submit by accident. Oh, that I could take it back!!!!! Edit is my friend!
Anyway, Rightwing protesters are basically pussies. [ A word I can use freely when dealing with both genders. Unlike the magnificent "C" word I reserve for powerful women who are PRICKS,which the Mods won't let me say at all.]
They attack Iraq Vets Against the War and call the cops when the young men want to actually talk to them.
Their kids are coming home fucked up with PTSD and no support.Doing crazy stuff in our town.
Oh, and old Women Rock, because they’ve got nothing to lose and a deep sense of community. Some of them.
Peace

I just want to point out commenting on Goldberg’s innate intellectual laziness is one thing, but being able to produce the evidence means you had to read his work, and for that alone I pity the soul who subjected himself to such abuse.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE DOG ATE HIS BRAIN, AND THAT WOULD EXCUSE NOT BEING ABLE TO MEET A DEADLINE.

A classic!