rimshotLadies & germs, the comedy stylings of Matt Labash, direct from Tucker’s Boom Boom Room:

What do fly fishing and dating have in common?
–Moira

I fly fish a lot more than I date these days, on account of my wife. Still, dating and fly fishing are practically one and the same. Both involve the excitement of the chase. Both require skill and cunning. Both involve making effective presentations, so that the pursuer can get the pursued to take something firmly in its mouth before it has a chance to spit it out. Finally, being successful at either will probably require you to wash your hands afterwards. Tight lines, Moira!

[...]

If you were a billionaire golfer, how many mistresses would you keep?
–Tony

The most striking detail of the Tiger Woods saga is the white supremacism that lies at the heart of it. At last count, he had something in the neighborhood of 178 mistresses, yet good luck finding any mistresses-of-color. Now I’m not calling Woods a racist. The heart wants what it wants. And I know he says he’s “Cablinasian,” which means that he’s part Asian, part black, part Indian, part Klansman.

But when I was a tyke in Sunday School, we used to sing a song called Jesus Loves the Little Children. One of the lyrics went “red and yellow black and white, they are precious in His sight.” So to answer your question Tony, if I were a billionaire golfer, I think the only moral thing to do would be to keep a mistress of every color. Don’t get me wrong. I like white women. I even married one. But after say, a rousing win at Pebble Beach, do I really want to celebrate by shacking up with the same old vanilla white woman? I might be in the mood for Chinese. Which of course means, that an hour later, I’ll want Mexican. If you want God to bless your extramarital relations, Tony, then it’s like the song says: don’t discriminate.

[...]

Pick three government programs you would eliminate. Why?
–AJ

2. Legalized rape. What’s that you say? Rape isn’t sanctioned in this country? Then you must not live in a city with red-light or speed cameras, where it happens every day. Forget for a second that in one-fourth of all automated ticket cases, the ticketed car owner wasn’t the one actually driving the vehicle at the time of the infraction (what other crime-fighting technology do we consider reliable that nabs the wrong person 25 percent of the time?) Just as heinous is that every year, more and more municipal governments pretend that they plant these all-seeing menaces in the interest of “safety.” Yet every year, their revenues tend to increase from the very same technology. Meaning that the only deterrent effect the technology has is deterring your government from being honest about raping its own citizenry. If you’re going to slide me a roofie, Government, at least take me to dinner and a movie first.

To be fair, I think Labash came as close as he could to making a blow job joke in the dating/fishing answer but, you know, Tucker runs a clean blog so his readers are just going to have to settle for horrifically conceived rape analogies instead.

Know your audience, I always say….