Dull ineffective colors-inside-the-lines Missionary-position-with-the-lights-off Evan Bayh called it quits earlier this week and lots of Americans were all, “Who?” and now he’s turning into the guy who goes around at a party telling everyone he’s leaving and everyone just keeps talking and drinking and smoking and, in general, ignoring him even when he standing at the door saying “See you guys.” and then he leaves and the next day no one even remembers that he had ever been there.

Which is to say, that Bayh has written a reeeaaallly long Good-Bye, Cruel Senate letter in the New York Times in which he says that everything in politics today is really fucked up and everybody hates everybody and this is breaking David Broder’s heart and we should all be ashamed of ourselves for denying America’s promise and there was probably some other stuff he wrote about flags and patriotism and shared destiny and children playing baseball and a brighter tomorrow and other feel-good jerk-off stuff that I didn’t read because, Jesus fucking Christ, he goes on and on and on and it’s like listening to someone explain every shot and the reasoning behind the club selection for 36 fucking holes of golf, or worse, listening to Ann Althouse talk about herself and pretty soon you start to pray that you will suddenly have a stroke, but not a bad one, just a minor one, and kindly EMT’s will rescue you and they won’t let her ride along and the sound of the siren will sooth your frayed nerves and wash away that horrible nasal yammering sound, oh God, the horror, the horror…

What I did read was Bayh fondly recalling the days when the Senate put aside their partisan differences in order to get together to talk about matters of great national importance: death and blowjobs.

I’m beginning my 12th year in the Senate and only twice have all the senators gathered for something other than purely ceremonial occasions. The first was during my initial week in office. President Bill Clinton had been impeached and the Senate had to conduct his trial. This hadn’t happened since 1868, and there were no rules in place for conducting the proceedings.

All of us gathered in the Old Senate Chamber. For several hours we debated how to proceed. Finally, Ted Kennedy and Phil Gramm, ideological opposites, were given the task of forging a compromise. They did, and it was unanimously ratified.

The second occasion was just days after Sept. 11. Every senator who could make it to Washington gathered in the Senate dining room to discuss the American response. The nation had been attacked. The building in which we sat had been among the targets, and only the heroism of the passengers prevented the plane from reaching its destination. We had to respond to protect the country. There were no Republicans or Democrats in the room that day, just Americans. The spirit of patriotism and togetherness was palpable. That atmosphere prevailed for only two or three weeks before politics once again intervened.

So, according to Bayh, what America really needs now is for aliens to attack Earth like they did in Independence Day and that will make us all come together and then Evan Bayh can be President Thomas Whitmore and save us (even though Bayh is not President) and Barack Obama can be Will Smith (because he’s black) and I guess Joe Lieberman will play the Jeff Goldblum role (because he’s Jewish) although, in all likelihood, Lieberman will probably join forces with the aliens because that’s just the asshole kind of thing that Lieberman would do.

Which means we’re fucked no matter what, so thanks a lot Evan Bayh, Earth hating douchebag.