In what must certainly be a ginormous conspiracy between most everyone in America against really really stupid people, Ted Petrunas is being smeared as being some kind of weird email-Walter Mitty who did not save America from Muslims and hot cellphone stripper action:

FAA documents obtained by TPMmuckraker through the Freedom of Information Act thoroughly debunk NASA diver Tedd Petruna’s tale of a thwarted hijacking aboard AirTran Flight 297 in Atlanta last November.

In an e-mail that went viral and was trumpeted on right-wing blogs — which declared Petruna an American hero — he claimed to have foiled the plot of a group of 11 Arabic-speaking, porn-watching Muslims.

What really happened on AirTran Flight 297 is this, according to the flight attendant reports that are included in the FAA investigation documents:

A man traveling with several others did not comply with flight attendant requests to put away a camera and stop taking pictures before takeoff. Other passengers complained about the “unruly” group of about four — reportedly Muslim — passengers. The plane was taxied back to the gate to let the man with the camera off, but the compatriots of the man complained when a flight attendant asked him to leave. Other passengers said they were uncomfortable and did not want to travel with the group.

[...]

An e-mail from an AirTran employee included in the FAA documents also confirms what had already been reported: that Petruna had missed his connection and was never on board Flight 297.

But his AMERICAN SPIRIT was on the plane so just shut up, you guys.

For the seven of you who did not get the Petrunas email, here is the bestest part:

As the plane taxied to the runway the stewardesses gave the safety spiel we are all so familiar with. At that time, one of the men got on his cell and called one of his companions in the back and proceeded to talk on the phone in Arabic very loudly and very aggressively. This took the 1st stewardess out of the picture for she repeatedly told the man that cell phones were not permitted at the time. He ignored her as if she was not there.

The 2nd man who answered the phone did the same and this took out the 2nd stewardess. In the back of the plane at this time, 2 younger Muslims, one in the back, isle, and one in front of him, window, began to show footage of a porno they had taped the night before, and were very loud about it. Now….they are only permitted to do this prior to Jihad. If a Muslim man goes into a strip club, he has to view the woman via mirror with his back to her. (don’t ask me….I don’t make the rules, but I’ve studied) The 3rd stewardess informed them that they were not to have electronic devices on at this time. To which one of the men said “shut up infidel dog!” She went to take the camcorder and he began to scream in her face in Arabic. At that exact moment, all 11 of them got up and started to walk the cabin. This is where I had had enough! I got up and started to the back where I heard a voice behind me from another Texan twice my size say “I got your back.” I grabbed the man who had been on the phone by the arm and said “you WILL go sit down or you Will be thrown from this plane!” As I “led” him around me to take his seat, the fellow Texan grabbed him by the back of his neck and his waist and headed out with him. I then grabbed the 2nd man and said, “You WILL do the same!” He protested but adrenaline was flowing now and he was going to go. As I escorted him forward the plane doors open and 3 TSA agents and 4 police officers entered. Me and my new Texan friend were told to cease and desist for they had this under control. I was happy to oblige actually.

America! Fuck yeah! Let’s roll! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

But, you know,  not.

This will come as quite a blow to Debbie Schlussel:

Perhaps Schlussel can join forces with Annie Jacobson and found The Ted Petrunas Project dedicated to educating Americans about Muslims who fly while acting  all muslim-y. All it will take is a little cash and, if a couple of douches like Roger Simon and Tucker Carlson can find funding from a wingnut sugardaddy, how hard can it be? If not, according to the emails that I get, there is always a lot of money floating around in Nigeria just looking for a home.

What could possibly go wrong?