Damn it, T. While I love your snark, this time, I can’t quite figure out the gist of Douthat’s ramblings. I can guess it has something to do with the community center, but I am not exactly sure, and I am not clinking the damn link to find out.

Even Shorter Ross Douthat:

“There’s two Americas, one of good, tolerant, law-abiding people, one of intolerant, ignorant assholes. I’m part of the latter.”

I know you need to post it whenever you do an update on him, but Douthat’s headshot makes me angry for reasons I cannot put into words. I mean, look at that smug fuck.

Dear Muslims,

In the past, America’s bigoted insistence that everyone become white christians or suffer discrimination was wise and necessary. In order for us all to be united in our values of tolerance and freedom, we’re going to insist that you do the same. Oh yeah, “throwing up a high-profile mosque two blocks from the site of a mass murder committed in the name of Islam” is just my way of saying “you fucking ragheads.”

Ross

“I can’t quite figure out the gist of Douthat’s ramblings.”

The gist as I see it:

“Americans welcomed Protestants at first, then eventually Catholics and okay even Jews. People who still limit their acceptance to these groups are “cultural America”. People who extend the welcome to other religions are “constitutional America”, because let’s face it, you’d never allow Muslims or Buddhists or whatever into the country because you actually wanted to, but only if obligated by the constitution to do so.”

The trick with Ross Douthat is that he’s actually far more despicable on the second or third reading of his column than the first.

Ya know, every time you start out by saying “shorter” I think you finally are starting to get it and then you miss the point alltogether.

Let’s try this on for size; “We of tiny dicks can’t keep the wimminfolk around long enough to make more little Rossdicks so we must make secret common cause with our muzzie little dick brothers. When we play war with each other all the little dicks of the world benefit. We can keep the wimminfolk sceerd and docile, we give lots of no-bid govmint contracts to little dick defense companies and we send our big dick men off to war so we have more wimmin fer ourselves. And then we can finally stop this abortion thing so the wimmin havta spawn our little dick children.”

There. Fixed it for ya.

slightly shorter:

our only way back to power is to let our bigot flag fly. we’ve been road testing this tactic in arizona for a year now and it seems to be working.
cordoba house is item number 2 on a list of 100. it’s gonna be 1 item a week until the 2012 election. brace yourself.

Even shorter Douthat: Respect the WASP Authoriteh.

There wasn’t an idea or phrase in there that couldn’t have been lifted from columns in the 50′s and 60′s arguing that letting darkies drink from whitey’s water fountain might be constitutionally protected, but just too unreasonable to ask of Real ‘Murkans (r).

I notice comments were closed after just 48 had been accrued. Thin-skinned, or just ignored?

Shortest Ross:

I’m still a douchebag.

WASPC

Rose, you’re so conflicted between the hot you have for WASP prep boys and the hot you got for the Arab boys. Why’d you even try to make out with me?

Bitch.

Signed,

Chunky Reese Witherspoon

“But there’s another America Germany as well, one that understands itself as a distinctive culture, rather than just a set of political propositions. This America Germany speaks English, German not Spanish Hebrew or Chinese or Arabic Yiddish.”

Dammit, tbogg, you and your always insightful commenters forced me to go read the longer douchehat, which is always a recipe for teh sad. I just spat at his pudgy little headshot, and now my laptop is all soggy.

Another try at a shorter: “For Muslim Americans to integrate fully into our national life, they’ll need… to become delightsome white Christians.”

Oh, and this one was a doozy: “Too often, American Muslim institutions have turned out to be entangled with ideas and groups that most Americans rightly consider beyond the pale. Too often, American Muslim leaders strike ambiguous notes when asked to disassociate themselves completely from illiberal causes.” Sure, Ross, whatever. So, from now on, all Xtian pastors must disown the killing of abortion doctors, must denounce the Hutaree Militia, must repudiate the crusades, witch burning, etc. etc. before they can sit at our table, right? Right?

Initial draft of Ross’s latest brain fart:
You Muslim people need to work a bit harder at this melting pot thing. The only way for you to succeed at this will be to realize that it would be indecent for you to have an Islamic community center built two blocks away from Ground Zero. Once you’ve gotten that into your head, we might entertain the idea of you having an Islamic center built two blocks away from Ground Zero. But then that issue would have sorted itself, if you get my drift.

Republicans like Ross are boxed in. They had to throw the Muslims over the side for the same reason they had to throw the Latino community over the side: Because the white bigots who are the GOP’s base voters didn’t like the GOP’s efforts to be more inclusive, feeble as they were.

This is what nearly fifty years of the corporate-bigot alliance known as the Southern Strategy has wrought: In exchange for getting the white bigots to vote for cutting rich people’s taxes (and thus cut spending on social programs thought to help blacks more than whites), the GOP gave them code words to hide their racism behind, such as “fiscal conservatism”. Except now, the bigots are so whacked out that their corporate masters are having a tough time controlling them.

Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.

I said in 2008 that Blazing Saddles would serve as a guide for the Obama era, and nothing since has changed my mind. This line gets quoted a lot, but rarely in full, and the lead-in glosses Ross Douthat Johnson:

What did you expect? “Welcome, sonny”? “Make yourself at home”? “Marry my daughter”? You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

Maybe the New York Zoning Commission could make a new law: “Two blocks bad, four blocks good.” It can come right after that other one: “All Americans are equal. But some are more equal than others.”

LOL,I thought of Blazing Saddles too. Shorter Ross Douhat’s history of American immigration:

“All right, we’ll give some land to the niggers and the chinks. But we don’t want the Irish!”

It’s his headshot from his tryout for a Backstreet Boys tribute band. He didn’t get the gig, so now he must be content to spew priggish nonsense for the bemusement of his corporate masters. It also may explain why he’s such an uptight, ignorant motherfucker. (And Chunky Reese Whitherspoon couldn’t-fuck-’er.)

Someone should ask Ross a straight forward question:

“What would Jesus think of having the Mosque that close to Ground Zero?”

I’m sure JC would instruct Ross to love thy neighbor and let them build. Why then does Ross preach to us about how important the Catholic faith is and then ignore it when dealing with conservative issues like this?

Oh yeah….he’s a complete hypocrtical, compassion faking, out of touch, douchbag.

Somewhere in Pakistan, Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri are sitting in a cave and laughing their asses off.

Thank you. I refuse to read any column by Douthat because I can feel myself become noticeably stupider with every word ingested. Usually, I can kinda tell what Douthat is saying by T’s shorter, but not this time. However, over at BJ, two excerpts of this bilge were posted, and I apologized to T because he was really doing me a favor by not quoting any of the column.

I’ll agree with Shorter Ross if he’ll agree to no Catholic churches within 20 miles of any elementary school.

Ross is a REAL AMERICAN because he has seen William F. Buckley’s penis.

So there.

The trick with Ross Douthat is that he’s actually far more despicable on the second or third reading of his column than the first.

Another David Brooks. The first one was bad enough.

Maybe the New York Zoning Commission could make a new law: “Two blocks bad, four blocks good.” It can come right after that other one: “All Americans are equal. But some are more equal than others.”

tomallen: Brilliant!!!!

Ross: “These two understandings of America, one constitutional and one cultural, have been in tension throughout our history.”

Sometimes referred to as the struggle between good and evil.

shortest possible:

you should listen to your inner tribal bigot. i do.

I say I can’t read you anymore Rossie,
I can’t read you anymore.
I don’t want to read you anymore, Rossie.