I have to wonder if it was really worth it to Toby Harnden to travel all the way to Reading, Ohio (the “Crossroads of Opportunity“!) just so he could make a lame stab at  pointing out that John Boehner couldn’t possibly be a country club elitist and corporate rentboy because he grew up living in an abandoned beaver lodge sharing it with his fourteen brothers and sisters, all of them subsisting on a diet of dirt and, when times were good, the filters from cigarette butts scavenged from dumpsters behind bars.

No. For reals.  This is true.

President Barack Obama is doing his best to turn Representative John Boehner, the House minority leader, into Public Enemy Number One. If Republicans win back the House of Representatives in November, as polls indicate, he will replace Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House.

[...]

Democrats have started a BeatBoehner.com website…

(Pause while you make up your own obligatory Christine O’Donnell masturbation joke in your head…. Finished? That was quick. Okay.)

Democrats have started a BeatBoehner.com website that claims he spent $1 million on “luxury hotels, exclusive golf resorts and gourmet dining for himself and his fat-cat contributors”. On the I-75 freeway outside Cincinnati, a huge poster showing a tanned Mr Boehner playing golf accuses him of teeing off 119 times in a year.

But this is not true, because how could he possibly be playing golf when Americans are unemployed and hurting. And by “Americans” we mean all the other little Boehners.

His sister Lynda Meineke, who is 51, is a waitress and bar tender at Andy’s Cafe in Carthage, Ohio, a family business that was founded by their grandfather Andy Boehner in 1938. As a child, one of Mr Boehner’s jobs was to mop the floor.

Sitting outside the bar this week, sipping a bottle of Bud Light and smoking a cigarette, Mrs Meineke described her childhood as “cramped” but happy. “We learned how to share. If there was a toy, it wasn’t just for you but for all the younger ones.”

Mr Boehner, 61, is the second of 12 who grew up in a German-Irish family in Reading, Ohio, just outside Cincinnati. All but two of them still live within a few miles of each other. Two are unemployed and most of the others have blue-collar jobs.

Just like you! Well, not you because, if you are reading this blog, you are probably an elitist socialist who owns many negroes who work on your liberal drug and abortion plantation. Or, you’re a Muslim terrorist. One of those. Maybe both if you’re an overachiever. Which is elitist, by the way.

Sorry. More Boehner.

The family house on Hill Street initially had two bedrooms with Mr Boehner and three brothers sleeping in one, their sister in another and their parents on a pull-out bed in the living room. Their father Earl later built a three-bedroom extension.

Mrs Meineke, whose husband is an unemployed builder, still lives in the modest house. She remembers her father rising at dawn to go off to the café, which he ran with his twin brother and was a favourite with truck drivers.

“Then my mother would get up before all of us, and drink coffee and listen to the radio, packing our lunches and writing our names on all the brown bags.

“Then she’d start waking us up. You knew that if you didn’t get up you’d be cutting your time in the bathroom in half. Sometimes, the boys had to go outside and pee by the tree.”

Psssh. They had a tree? They had urine? They had penises?

Rich kids.  Show-offs. Elitists.

Anyway, despite his net worth of between $1,700,021 and $6,626,000 (to say nothing of his  potential to make many millions more as a lobbyist when he realizes that all this Congress work-work time is really handicapping his handicap) John Boehner will never forget his humble roots and will someday renounce his congressional slave name and reclaim his real name:  Kunta Boehner.

Also:

Dear English Telegraph newspaper-

If you want to publish an article claiming that John Boehner is not a golf club-swinging country club elitist, this is probably  not the photo you might want to accompany the article.

Better to save it for the upcoming 3-part series: “John Boehener is totally not gay”.

You’re welcome.