Joe Miller was not caught masturbating at work. Probably.

Joe Miller, the half-bearded manchild who desperately needs to find a job outside of his frozen hellstate because he is “ineligible for re-hire” till 2012 after he just up and quit his last job without notice, had his PERMANENT RECORDS splashed all over the internets today and they show him to be a sniveling liar and weasel which is why everyone who ever worked with him hates his fucking guts and would like to cast him adrift to die on an ice floe but there aren’t any because the world is melting.

If you are looking for hours of amusement reading private personnel documents where everyone involved goes to great lengths to not use prejudicial terms like “dick”, “asshole”, and “pube-faced git” you can go read them yourself in pdfVision here. But if you’re one of those lazy types who gets all their information from “blogs” and other poorly written unreliable newsources, you are in luck because I will summarize the things I kind of skimmed over while you were doing something more important like watching Glee, or masturbating, or masturbating to Glee. Whatever. I’m a liberal. I don’t judge.

So, anyway, it seems that Joe Miller was some kind of part-time  civil service leech/lawyer in this office and this one day everyone went to lunch without Joe because he chews with his mouth open, and while they were all gone he got on their computers and started voting in some kind of online  Republican beauty contest or something and maybe also checking out the merchandise on rentboy.com but, really, who knows because when he was done he cleared the caches on all of the computers. When his fellow workers came back Joe was sitting at his desk eating a Moose n ‘Cheese lunchable like nothing had happened. But when the other employees got on their computers they found out that their  important work-related websites (textsfromlastnight, fredericks, and cuteoverload) were gone along with saved passwords and then everyone was all “what the fuck?” and then Joe started acting all suspicious and guilty, pretending like he was having trouble getting the last few drops out of of his juciebox and then he threw it at them and jumped out a window.

Actually they confronted him with  it and he was all, “I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy” but, actually, he did shoot the deputy and he finally admitted it and then he was all “You’re not going to tell on me, are you? ” and then he went out to his car where he was sad and probably also  masturbated but it was a sad masturbation so it doesn’t count as “wrong” in God’s book. He’s a liberal God. He doesn’t judge.

Then when Joe came back in, he said he didn’t break any rules and, in fact, (and this part is totally true) he said everyone else broke the rules because they left their computers unlocked and unattended , so hah! he won. But no one would high five him and they all just kind of looked away because he is a sad pathetic man and they wished he would go away and he eventually did by quitting before they could fire him.

The end.

Except he also admitted that working in Anchorage was “no fun”. That part is true also too.

If you don’t believe me, I have posted screen shots of the documents below the fold or under the Read More. Down there.