(It’s Sunday morning in Utah. I’m bored)

Back before semi-hirsute Joe Miller quit before he was fired from his government job, he started complaining that everyone was out to get him and that sea monkeys were stealing his lunch money and other such nonsense which, in Alaska, passes for “sane enough for government work”. He may well have felt threatened by, say, the Russian mob who operated right across the street in Russia or possibly by Barack Obama’s ACORN Time Traveling Swat Team attempting to thwart the takeover of America in 2012 by Grifter-Americans, but more likely he is just a paranoid schizophrenic which is probably why the military put him on waivers with two years left on his contract. But let’s be charitable and just say that he has done a lot of crazy shit that most people would not put on a resume and so he was preemptively lining up excuses because, you know, just in case:

Days before he was caught using the borough computers for the poll, Miller had spoken openly with members of the borough office about a potential threat coming his way. The Alaska Republican Party was out to get him, Miller told them, and he warned them to be careful about what they did on their computers. Miller claimed a public records request was in the works aimed at scrutinizing employees’ computer use, adding that, if granted, he feared it might reveal child pornography on his computer. If any inappropriate material was found on his computer, Miller told them, they needed to know it would be the result of a sophisticated setup — someone hacking the Fairbanks North Star Borough’s computer system and planting inappropriate material on his computer.

It was just a few days later that his colleagues discovered something was amiss with their computers, which upset and unnerved them given the timing to Miller’s earlier warnings. Miller had been on their computers during lunch hour to vote in a political poll hosted on his own personal website. When they confronted Miller about it, he told one of his supervisor’s, Jill Dolan, “not to worry about it (and) that he was not on a bad site,” according to a written statement Dolan provided during the borough’s subsequent internal investigation.

Yet, there is no evidence that the prospect of illicit materials existed anywhere but in Miller’s fears.

Well, yeah. Obviously Joe Miller wouldn’t keep his stash of pictures of lithe youngsters cavorting al fresco (which is french for ‘nekkid’) on his work computer. They’re probably stored on flash drives at his backwoods Mat-Su rape cabin where he goes to de-stress and also feed the kidnapped hitchhikers he has chained to the walls .

But don’t try and check out what goes on at that mysterious cabin nestled amidst the birch and the aspens where the only sound you hear is the whisper of the wind through the trees and the occasional bloodcurdling shriek of pain and terror, because Joe Miller maintains a private army of bouncer guys who probably guard his Compound of Pleasure and Pain  and Seasonal  Elk Hunting when they’re not protecting Joe when he goes out to buy a newspaper and a pack of smokes:

Still, conventioneers, including Simpson, couldn’t help but note the unusual companions Miller had brought with him to the Hotel Captain Cook in Anchorage, where the meeting was held in 2008. She wrote in the Daily News:

“Toward the end of the convention when it was apparent his fireworks had fizzled, in what can only be described as paranoid and bizarre, a security detail — yes, pretend Secret Service suits with Aviator glasses and earpieces — showed up to flank and apparently protect the silly, self-important Joe from a bunch of mostly middle-age Republican delegates who had voted against him and were now genuinely embarrassed for him.”

Republican Andree McLeod — a Palin critic — also noticed Miller’s not-so subtle security detail: three men and a woman, each equipped with walkie talkies and ear pieces. They were friendly enough, she recalls, and although it was obvious they were shadowing Miller, they would only say they were “on a security job.”

[...]

When Miller left the convention hall and headed to the hotel’s downstairs for a news interview, the guards followed and stood by at the door, McLeod recalled. When Miller went upstairs to another floor in the hotel, they stuck close and buzzed around him.

A short time later, McLeod noticed them guarding an elevator door, with one guard posted in front of the door and others on either side. When the door opened, out came Miller and the four security guards moved into a diamond formation around him — one in front, one behind him and one on each side — and they hustled Miller in a military-style march to a waiting SUV outside the Hotel Captain Cook. Once Miller and his entourage — which included Palin aide Ivy Fry, according to McLeod, were safely on their way — the guards cleared out.

Remember: this was before Joe Miller was even running for the Senate.

He not only has his own private army, he even  has his own private paranoid style.