Shorter Ross Douthat:
If Chunky Reese Witherspoon was a teenager today, she probably wouldn’t want to fuck me. I mean for reasons besides the most obvious ones. This gives me great comfort
But there are different kinds of premarital sex. There’s sex that’s actually pre-marital, in the sense that it involves monogamous couples on a path that might lead to matrimony one day. Then there’s sex that’s casual and promiscuous, or just premature and ill considered.
Even shorter C. R. With Her Spoon: “I like both kinds of music, country and western”.
Once again, Ross Douthat writes a verbose equivalent of a “you just might be a redneck” joke and inexplicably, gets it printed in the New York Times.
Yes Ross, there are two kinds of sex, good sex that involves marriage in some way, and bad sex which is everything else.
This guy’s brain must look like a petri dish for “Madonna and whore” theories.
Oh and by the way:
But earlier generations of Americans waited longer to have sex
That’s just because undoing some of those bras back in the 50s and 60s took forever.
I’m not reading any more of Irma la Douche’s tripe. I’ll take your word that he’s the moral equivalent of a cum stain on a dog and has the thought processes of a chimp raping a toad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVE60zwXx1k
And for his encore: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADiZpOPRzFo&feature=related
See if Ross’s thing is the first thing that the chunky trollop has ever seen…well then at least Ross has an outside chance of convincing her that it’s actually a whopper. I mean its conceivable.
Don’t give him too much credit. Didn’t Chunky Reese Witherspoon have to get paralyzing drunk first?
I recently ran across a joke along those lines:
Why do so many men prefer virgins?
Oh dear God, thank you, Tbogg. After cleaning up my brains from the wall behind me upon reading Douchebag this morning, I knew I could rely on you to put things in perspective.
He must have much stock in the people who make fleshlights. Or is he just a sadist?
I read your title on Twitter and immediately started to chuckle. Zoomed over for the rest. Nice to start my day with a laugh.
Jesus, an entire column — in the process of becoming a tsunami of stupid in right-wing nutjob circle-jerks everywhere — based on a single study reporting among other things that the percentage of virgin Americans aged 15 to 24 between 2006 and 2008 was 28%, whereas in 2002 it was 22%. Or, put another way, 72% of 15-24 year olds happily reported they were having rip-snortin’ sex in 2006-2008, as opposed to 78% all of four years earlier. Obviously, this HUGE CHANGE has to do with the invasion of Iraq in 2003, and/or the 2006 midterm election of Democrats, and/or the use of smartphones, or something. Nothing in this study says a goddamn thing about virginity in 2011, but never mind. A CDC study done for public health concerns re: sexually transmitted diseases is still a handy tool for a Douchatian culture warrior wanting to see cuts in Planned Parenthood leading to more sexually transmitted diseases and countless more columns.
Here’s another fun stat from the study: the percentage of people 15-44 reporting same-sex experience has gone from 11.2 to 12.5. Or, if we wanted to use wingnut statistical analyses, there’s been A WHOPPING 12% INCREASE IN HOMOS!!!
You can almost hear their knees jerking.
If they waited longer, did it have anything to do with the later age of menarche (and male sexual maturity)? And did the relatively lower age of first marriage mask the problem as well
In the 1940s was it a lack of available young men at hand?
In the 1950s was it poodle skirts?
In the 1960s (early) was it vynal skirts, go-go boots, and jackets without lapels?
I say Bryl Creme was a major anti-aphrodisiac.
Douchethat should have just told himself he MIGHT marry Chunky the Boner Destroyer and he would have been okay then, right? That’s the point, I think, of the column.
“a significant correlation between sexual restraint and emotional well-being” — yes, Douchehat wants it to be known that he’s HAPPY that he’s not getting any. No, really.
But there are different kinds of premarital sex. There’s sex that’s actually pre-marital, in the sense that it involves monogamous couples on a path that might lead to matrimony one day.
You know, Meat Loaf sex:
Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further–!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
Do you love me!?
Will you love me forever!?
Do you need me!?
Will you never leave me!?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life!?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife!?
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me!!!?
Will you love me forever!!!?
When I took a look at /b/ on 4chan last year the anons were punking Fleshlight’s tech support. Tech support!?! The mind boggles…
Aside from that, I would have to say that the rise in virgins is more due to the expansion of the waistline of today’s teens than any awakening morality.
Wow, look at those boobs!
Oops, wait, I’ve been drinking too early. There’s just one boob in that picture.
Yep, that’s how I read it.
Alternate Shorter Ross: Gosh darn, if Mrs. Douthat hadn’t had so many partners before me, she would have never realized how bad I suck in bed.
In Doubtthat’s world, the shortest distance between point A & B is a meandering line that spews all over the place. It’s a long a winding road he treads.
Normally I am quite happy to leave it at just your shorter Douthat but today I actually went the read the whole thing.
I wonder if the study took into consideration how many kids these days brought up on poor (yes most of them don’t work) abstinence programs have a different view of what constitutes sex than the rest of us.
I don’t have stats to back this up, but I have read in various places of kids considering sex to consist of penis in vagina only. Fellatio is seen by some a simply another way of saying hello. Anal penetration is a clever work around that allows a young woman to say she’s still a virgin and isn’t having sex.
Planned Parenthood has to deal with kids who can’t understand how they got an STD because they hadn’t had sex.
More and more I feel like conservative men like Douthat and the ones that shout the loudest in the forced birth movement are like little children who simply are unwilling to deal with reality. They prefer their fantasy world where only sluts and wives have sex with men and only sluts want abortions.
You made me click, and now my brain hurts…
Sloppy reasoning, but what we’ve come to expect. For example, smarter folks than I have suggested that the promiscuity and happiness cause/effect that D asserts are most likely the exact opposite, rendering the entire premise of his column hollow. I would guess that the study he cites connecting emotional fulfillment and sexual activity doesn’t even suggest the correlation upon which Douthat hangs his entire conclusion; it’s just more of his trademark magic thinking.
This guy has a column in the New York f***ing Times?
And when, oh when, will Mr. D (or any “social conservative” for that matter) write a column decrying the societal impact of the obesity epidemic in this country? If I were a betting man I’d wager that the costs are a lot more than the effects of teenage sexual activity.
Lectures, rules, and even legislation criminalizing the sexual orientation and activities of others = friendly advice.
Advice about diet and exercise = fascist big government attempts to take away our freedom fries.
“a significant correlation between sexual restraint and emotional well-being”
Sexual restraints? Ross believes bondage makes couples happier? Wow, who knew?
Of course the percentage of young people calling themselves virgins has gone up. Redefining virginity to allow buttsex and blowjobs will do that, and quickly.
Damn you! You beat me to the punchline!
Thank you, Uncertainty Vice Principal for highlighting that little bit of wisdom from Douthat. Boy. He is really working hard at taking all the fun out of sex, isn’t he? Oh, and pro-tip for Douthat: Don’t knock it (un-marital sex) until you’ve tried it. Asshat.
And don’t forget all the ones who are calling themselves bornagain virgins.
They’ve done it and decided they won’t do it again until they get married or fall in love or “it just happened”, hence they can consider themselves virgins again.
I think I read somewhere that Bristol considered herself a virgin again. That’s why she can promote abstinence only education and chastity with a straight face.
You know, Douchehat and Papa Ratzi both need to shut the fuck up on topics about which they know absolutely nothing.
Shorter, Shorter Douthat: Whatever all the others are saying, me too. I kn haz paychex?
This discussion shoots me back a looong historical path to Health Ed in junior high in the mid-50s, not to mention the advice columns in the girl-oriented teen magazines, and questions about whether it was possible to get pregnant from heavy petting with no actual entry (answer: highly unlikely but possible, if those spermatozoa managed to get from your underpants into your actual vagina).
Which brings up a couple of factors that Ross is totally ignoring – a couple among many, I know, but these are biggies. First, he doesn’t even nod condescendingly in the direction of the fact that unwed pregnancy was, in those dear dead days he and his fellow nuts want back so much, not only an ever-present danger coz there was no dependable birth control that unmarried girls could get hold of and control, but that in most middle class circles unwed pregnancy got you in serious trouble. (I say “middle class” because that’s my own background – but I’ll never forget the day in the early 70s that I happened to see an early teen girl, African American and obviously poor, bursting into tears at her mother’s side outside a Miami area clinic, and wailing, “I’m pregnant!”)I knew a college classmate who was shipped to Puerto Rico by her parents to have an abortion, the whole thing kept secret from all their family and friends. I had a high school classmate – a cleancut girl on the cheerleading squad – who was forced to drop out in her senior year and marry her boyfriend. This was the early 60s, in a cosmopolitan NYC suburb. “She’s pregnant,” we whispered to each other.
The other thing Ross is un-acknowledging? Lust. Desire. Eros. Desperate adolescent horniness that haunts you night and day. Planned Parenthood knows about it. And say what you wanna about the 50s (that golden age of torpedo bras and pantygirdles that compressed your nether parts to the solidity of cement, of Joe McCarthy, and the John Birch Society) – - they did acknowledge teen hots in those days. But apparently Ross never heard of it. Talk about not getting a rather important memo.
The only way Douthat could have gotten laid is by marrying Cookie Guggleman.
Gerry Fleck: She had dozens of boyfriends
Cookie Fleck: Hundreds
Gerry Fleck: Hundreds?
Cookie Fleck: Yeah, hundreds.
Gerry Fleck: Well, I did not know that.
Rose needs an Amsterdam vacation.
Whatever happened to his “writing” timeout?
one of the greatest songs ever written………………