Eternity Road blogger and Christian porny-wordsmith Francis Porretto, pops up in Nice Deb’s comments and gives Sarah Palin a thorough tongue bath that recalls John Hinderaker’s Ode To A Genius (“It must be very strange to be President Bush. A man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius…“).
Writes Francis:
Sarah Palin has me thinking of Wayne Gretzky during his glory years. Gretzky’s speed, grace, and deceptively powerful shot utterly flummoxed opposing defensemen and goaltenders throughout the NHL. They couldn’t stop him no matter what they did. Worse, he had real flair: style and grace both on and off the ice. He was, in short, the gentleman superstar we get about once a decade.
Palin is the Wayne Gretzky of politics. She scores effortlessly, without seeming to try. And she does it with an unassuming grace the cynical “professional” pols can’t match. She drives it all home by not giving a damn what anyone thinks of her, projects onto her, or predicts about her.
We need this woman. She might have arrived just in time.
Sarah Palin might have arrived just in time. I think Francis came considerably earlier.
Kinda like this:
“….dampening her arm all the way to the elbow”?
Ew.






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Ewwww… okay, here’s a palette cleanser for you: Sherlock Basset.
Shock and awe, baby, shock and awe.
“Restored me to decency” is almost worse…
~ Harry R. Sohl
“Go get your jacket and briefcase. Parson Brown is in the conference room. He can marry us right here, and then we can have licit adult sexual relations.”
Well, at least the sex didn’t involve diapers, wetsuits, or rentboys. That’s something.
Can you post the previous page?
So hand jobs are OK with Christians as long as she stops short?
The book’s Amazon rank is just abut right at 2,458,594.
Holy Shit!
Did they just murder a whole clan of future conservatives?
Bravo!
Are we sure Poretto isn’t R. Kelly?
Chinese wrestling to clean ur minds.
That was gross. The porn was pretty bad too.
Oy Vey! Wingnut erotica is always disturbing, whether it is Lynne Cheney’s lesbi-curious tome, O’reilly’s loofa rubbing foreplay dirty-talk, or O’Keiffe’s “sex toy in a canoe” ratf*ck script.
It all almost makes Ross Doubthat’s vagina-aversion seem well adjusted.
Bravo for the oh-so appropriately themed pron for your blog. And how did you come up with it so quickly(Not the first time either). A large personal collection or just very adept at the Googling?
It’s curious that his crush involves fantasizing about her having precisely the opposite qualities from what she actually has.
I mean even right wingers can obviously see that a touchiness to the point of obsession with what people think and say about her is one of her main features. I just figured they liked that part, you know, not taking it anymore and telling off those snotty liberals who think they’re so much better and so on and so forth.
It really makes you wonder though, maybe Rich Lowry actually gets turned on because he thinks she’s a left-wing egghead graduate student smoking Gauloises, but just has a really bad cable connection.
OK. Before I TinEye’d that photo I never heard of the site awkwardboners.com. That domain name has gotta be worth something.
BTW the first sentence:
Not only underscores my point above but pretty much lays bare this guy’s psyche to the tune of a dozen columns worth of snark.
If you know Woody Allen’s old routine about “I think of baseball players” — this would probably be the opposite.
Words fail me.
Wayne Gretzky would sue for this slander but he’s got too much style, flair and grace.
Btw, is this Francis? Scroll down, he’s got videos.
OMFG, he’s written one called “Farm Girl”
Tags: infertility, christian, trust, farm life, fidelity, golden rule
U.V.P., I hereby promote you to Principal!
Aspirational porn?
Just occurred to me.
TBogg’s ““Sprang From My Groin” could be the name of the next bombing campaign.
Shortened to “Groin Sprang”
when it all goes to shit, “Groin Sprain”
Thanks for the link!
I started reading “Farm Girl” (the cover pic drew me in!) online.
The farmer/sheep infertility dialog was deep. I always thought sheep were stupid and smelly, but I now realize sheep are like real people, with real people emotions. They’re like Teabaggers wrapped in a fluffy coating (but without the oxygen bottles). Sure, that fluffy coating has a lot of little sheep-dip-dingle-berries clinging to it, but that just makes the sheep=teabagger analogy more apt.
I clicked the “Planting the Seed” chapter link but you have to pay for the really good stuff. That’s why I gave “Farm Girl” a 2-Star rating instead of the more popular 4-Stars….
I do really wish that these wingnuts would keep their sick, disgusting, perverted fantasies to themselves. Will no one think of the children?!
In the intro to this masterpiece (ha!)as seen on the (you should pardon the expression) “Look Inside” feature on Amazon.com, Artistic Genius Poretto assures us that he does not write “whacking material” in his conservative religious erotica, or whatever this is supposed to be. Nope. He save that for his political commentary about Sarah.
So his ‘seminal fluid’ is pulsing forth, but he hasn’t reached the ‘point of climax’?
Fucking penises, how do they work?
When I was younger, I had this theory that there was no such thing as bad sex. I stand corrected.
My ex-wife used to call it ‘dogwater’. Not all men do it, but some men shoot copious amounts of pre-cum before they actually orgasm. I think if you share bodily fluids, you had sex. Regardless of whether either party had an orgasm.
TBogg apparently has been challenged to some sort of duel-whacking off-something or other!
“Gentleman”?
Them’s there’s fighting words!
Kick his ass T!
What, right up ‘to the elbow’?
Blimey, there is so much I have still to learn.
He’s got the tool for fencing! Leans to the right though.
If you’ve got a Kindle you can actually [gag] buy it for $0.99, one penny short of a whole dollar. Having said that I now have to go and disinfect my Kindle because it’s in the same room…
It can’t really be OK in a normal Christian church* to fap to descriptions of other people fucking, can it? That the characters are not living in sin would seem to be irrelevant.
*By which I mean, a church located on the main street of at least a medium-sized town, not a tent or a metal building. That criterian probably excludes Xtian Porn Hound, though.
Well, very few churches encourage fapping in church. Most rational, mainstream denominations (I’m Episcopalian myself) consider that fapping should be done at home, alone or with a significant other… I can’t speak for what the Talibangelicals think (and I’m using that word VERY loosely).
I believe the relevant text is:
“Take care that thou fappest not, lest thy fapping causeth thee to be cast into the eternal lake of unquenchable fire. If fappest thou must, fap only unto the words of them that write not of harlotry, but of the groin missiles of the decently married. Only thus shalt thou fap as the LORD permitteth. And when thou fappest, take care that thy seed not flow above thine elbow, for such is an abomination before the face of the LORD.”
Good lord, at least he didn’t say anything about “crossing swords” with TBogg.
Two thumbs up!
(P.S. I’m sure two thumbs is some Xtian sex technique)
No conservative christian ever prematurely ejaculates. Not in their porn fiction anyway.
@35 and @36
I took a deep breath and dove right in.
Dear Francis:
Can Francis be the new Smooth Jazz? Dare he shine and be the new Aaron Worthing?
Okay, I gotta go to Amazon, just to see if Jesus’s General has a review. Then, of course, I’ve got to check out the General himself. God, I hope he reads TBOGG. Oh, he’s gotta. They’re cut from the same cloth and that’s a mighty big complement to both.
Worst. Sex. Ever.
Plus, he shoots enough pre-ejaculate to soak her “up to her elbow?” In direct response to stimulation?
The man has never actually had sex, obviously.
My thoughts exactly re: Gen. JC Christian, alas
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Goddamn. His neck has a FORESKIN.
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the snark you bring to your game of ‘inside baseball’ political style, but sometimes (too often) finding out so much inside info on people you already know are complete asshats isn’t worth the time it takes to shower after reading about them…..wait…my bad…..It’s Sarah Stuff and lord knows that outside Charlie Sheen, there’s hardly anybody else I want to know EVERYTHING about.
Psst. Please let us all know when Sarah releases the birth certificate for that kid she waves around like a stage prop all the time. I’ll forward the info to Andrew Sullivan.
Enjoy.
By far, the best topic in the customer forums for the book:
And anybody who’s leaking that much fluid from his penis — for any reason — needs to see a doctor, pronto!
I think they’re both wet with Baby Jesus’ tears.