Mommybloggers:

Let me tell you something about most of these mommy bloggers… they are liars and they are charlatans. They are snake-oil salesmen and they are shills. They give RAVE reviews of products and encourage you to check them out with an innocent little link. What most people don’t know is, contained within that link is code, code that pays the sweet little mommy a commission when other mommies buy whatever shit the blogger is “loving.” Hard to imagine anything other than a five star review when a possible commission check is looming overhead.

I will admit to having an unsophisticated palate, and will cheerfully eat things best described as “food-like substances”, and so will also admit to actually liking Olive Garden. Or at least not disliking it. Or not disliking it any more than any other chain restaurant featuring rapidly-prepared, relatively inexpensive food (or the aforementioned “food-like substance”) in large portions.

That being said, I can honestly not remember a time when I’ve ever said, “Hey, you know what would be a good idea? Let’s go to Olive Garden for dinner.”

We were going to meet at the Olive Garden, where we would act like tourists

…because really, don’t all tourists go to chain restaurants where one city is just like any other? Where you can’t tell if you are in a Seattle suburb, or Atlantic City or the one in your own neighborhood? That’s worth spending hundreds if not thousands of travel dollars right there!

The first thing that popped into my head was when I arrived in Krakow (in winter of 1991, I believe). Poland hadn’t been open to the west for long, it was still gritty, relatively tourist free (apart from Peace Corps workers from Kiev who heard that you could get actual meat AND decent toilet paper in Poland now — awesome!) but what did I see as I walked down the main drag to Rynek Główny? Yep, a McDonalds.(

I love the Olive Garden commercials showing their “chefs” “studying” in Italy.

Some guy from Texas goes to Yale, does that make him smart?

As long as you’re having fun playing with your food, playing with television chefs might be amusing as well.

Behold: Food Network Humor.

Note: The above link includes many images and stories of Sandra “Semi-First Lady” Lee and Rachel Ray. Any injuries sustained — either mental or physical — from viewing said images/stories are your own problem.

You. Have. Been. Warned.

An added bonus of those rear window family stickers and big yellow “Baby on board” signs is a reduced field of vision (i.e., blind spot) which increases the probability that CODYSMOM might one day attempt to enter a lane already occupied by the giant SUV she can’t see, thus reducing the risk that CODY might ever grow up to be a mommy blogger or Olive Garden franchisee. I’m always looking for a silver lining.

Hey, if you want “authentic Italian”, then you get a big yellow “Bimbo Abordo!”

(for a male child, female is ‘bimba’).

The perfect gift for the new mommyblogger!

which serve as a helpful menu to any passing predator…

Or help the circus’ freak show find their bus.

college men from LSU
went in dumb, come out dumb too

Regarding Olive Garden, I plead incompetence, I’m from the midwest.

But any critic who thinks it’s a funny prank to set up a lunch date at Olive Garden fully deserves to dine there for reals.

I want to market one of those sings, only modified with a bullseye. What do those signs actually mean? “Be careful, the screaming pooper is distracting me”, “Caution, I have nothing left to live for”, or “Please, please, please, hit this car and put me out of my misery”.

A major part of the living hell that was Leavenworth, KS, was its sole ‘Mexican’ ‘food’ ‘restaurant’. Normally, Army posts and Mexican joints go together like bullets and battle, but in Leavenworth, this joint specialised in pouring melted Velveeta over everything. It was…. remarkable. The only available salad bar? In the Wendy’s.

I would have loved an Olive Garden.

My wife, who is from Guangxi, China, and I went to the Olive Garden once when we were given a gift card. That was 4 years ago and we threw out the half used card long ago. We actually left most of the food and went home to cook supper. I’m not quite sure what my wife said but they sure didn’t sound like complimentary words or the ones I usually hear when she is angry with me.

A few years back, Olive Garden opened a location near the big-ass shopping mall near my Pennsyltucky birthplace. The opening of this franchise restaurant was the lead story of all of the local TV “news” (due, I suppose, to the fact that there had been no car accidents, house fires, snow storms, or cemetery vandalism to satisfy their old folks demographic) for the next THREE DAYS! Of course, the lines were out the door and into the parking lot for weeks on end. Why, it’s almost as if the local TV stations and the franchisee were in cahoots to supply “breaking news” in exchange for free meals for the station managers.

Or, maybe the “reporters” and “assignment” editors are just as stupid, gullible, and utterly lacking in taste buds as their viewers. YMMV.

If you stopped by the table of a regular Olive Garden diner and told him that all meat used is actually cat, his eyes would glaze over for a second in deep thought before he announced the tabby as his favorite, but the persian has a nice spiciness.

As far as lying about the training of their chefs, I don’t believe the Olive Garden intended for their advertising to be factual.

Sincerely,
John Kyl

Beijing, 1994 – lunchtime, away from the downtown – saw long lines, all locals, checked it out – Pizza Hut – apparently the bourgeois treat – tried it – tasted like home. Shoulda stolen the menu as a souvenir.

It never occurred to me about Mexican food near army bases until you mentioned it. I have to admit, the variety and quality of authentic Mexican food has risen substantially ever since Fort Drum (near my now home in wa-a-ay upstate NY) expanded. There has also been a pleasant uptick in Indian, Thai, and Korean cuisine – all small business, mom-and-pop type eateries.

However, the downside to this war-as-business-investment has been the arrival of terrible national chain restaurants. When you have a huge influx of soldiers and their families from all over Murka coming to a small city that feels like it’s in the middle of nowhere, no one wants to gamble on an unknown menu when they can be assured of the same consistent crap that they can eat back home. USA! USA!

I traveled to Paris with a friend in 1991, when I was recently out of college. I didn’t have much money (I was going to walk up the Eiffel Tower because I couldn’t afford to take the elevator, but she paid for me because she was sick of walking), but street food was pretty cheap (and tasty!) and the dollar got you a lot of francs.

She kept insisting that we eat at McDonald’s, and I kept telling her I refused. Her argument was that she’d eaten at one in Madrid that used real milk in the shakes and was in a beautiful building. My argument was that it was McDonald’s, and I don’t even eat that shit at home.

Since I was the one who spoke French and didn’t look American (or at least was being mistaken for British), I won.

Olive Garden needs an updated version of this saying:

You don’t go to Denny’s, you end up at Denny’s.

When I lived in NYC a few years ago, an Olive Garden opened up at 22nd & 6th. My wife worked down in that area and said it was always packed (and a lot of their business was local, not tourists). That was so mind-boggling — it’s not like there’s a shortage of much tastier (and equally affordable) Italian restaurants in Manhattan.

Olive Garden? I get better and more authentic Italian food from the friggin’ Costco.

Still there, still popular (I live about 1/2 mile due east). There’s also one in Times Square, just a few blocks from where I work (maybe they’re following me?), and at lunch time, the line is usually out onto the sidewalk with, of course, nothing but tourists.

Because, as you say, there aren’t really any good, inexpensive Italian restaurants in Manhattan — like, say, in Little Italy.

Ah, The Stir.

You don’t want to know what these amateur bitches get paid. OK, maybe you do.

A relatively unorthodox mommy blogger I sometimes read quit her full-time marketing head job with a Seattle software firm to be a stay-at-home-mom and “celebrity gossip” columnist for The Stir. Recently she boasted on her blog that she makes the equivalent of her old salary. Considering her old firm has an on-site French chef and masseuse (the employees don’t pay for), I presume she was making between $60,000 and $100,000. Not including bonuses, benefits, and stock options.

To earn this at The Stir, she writes one or two short columns a week that consist of regurgitating news in PEOPLE and GAWKER etc. with her opinions thrown in.

Completely off topic, there’s a new litter of Shiba Inu pups. You know, the famous ones. Cute as the dickens.
Cam’s on pretty much all day http://www.ustream.tv/SFShiba

Ever since this post went up the ads alongside it are from the Olive Garden. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen their food.

I think they just threw up in my mouth a little.

A few years back my son came home from college with his then-girlfriend, and mentioned that they’d seen her parents the previous week. After she left, I asked him what her parents were like, and I knew I’d raised my boy right when he replied, “They’re nice, but unfortunately they’re the kind of people who think the Olive Garden is a good restaurant.”

I’ve only been in an Olive Garden 3 times…the first was 17 or 18 years ago when they opened one here. The next was 3 years ago when some moron at the new hire training seminar insisted on going there. It sucked worse than it had the first time, though to be fair that may have been because I’m older and have less tolerance for crap food now. The last time was last year, when a business contact was hooking me up with an important potential client and set up a lunchtime meeting at the dreaded OG. I figured, “well, how bad can soup, salad & breadsticks be?” As it turns out, it’s possible to fuck those up as well.

To be fair, OG’s sins are pretty much the same ones of all the chains: too much. Too much salt, too much fat, too much preservatives, too much pre-processed, too-big portions. I think somehow it’s more noticeable when you know how the cuisine is supposed to taste when it’s properly done. I mean, Chili’s serves up crap food too and I’ll eat it occasionally, but I don’t really have anything to compare against southwestern eggrolls to know how they SHOULD taste if they weren’t pre-prepared crap.

When the L&T Casey was playing soccer in college, and they were on the road, the other girls, most of whom are from the islands, always wanted to go to OG for one of their meals because when you’re from Hawaii OG is what passes for Italian food. Coming up in Italian family, Casey was appalled but outvoted.

So – u can get spamghetti at the Olive Garden?

…serve as a helpful menu to any passing predator or possibly a Catholic priest.

But certainly not a zombie. Never a zombie.

Only ate at Olive Garden once. Ordered lasagna. It was still partly frozen in the middle.

Even I can microwave a frozen lasagna.

… Casey was appalled but outvoted

Sounds like she’s primed to run for Congress!

I’ll meekly step in after a good long bash thread and say I don’t think OG is all that bad. Of course, I also have the most unrefined palate in the world.

Seriously, is there some sort of connection between liberals and foodyism? I always feel out of place when the proprietors of my favorite blogs talk about organic this and home-cooked that and I stay silent because I eat like crap and for the most part enjoy it.

To be clear I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you liking the Olive Garden, but to be frank, if having tastes just slightly higher than the Olive Garden makes someone a “foody” then my Uncle Bill — who at every meal put everything in one mound in the middle of his plate like he learned in the army, there would go everything, steak, mashed potatoes, string beans, dessert, you name it, all in one big pile, but didn’t like fried food too much — was a foody from way back.

And believe me, he wasn’t.

I’ve been to small diners and cafes that no foody would ever review but man the food was dynamite. A chain that’s basically the Taco Bell of Italian food, eh, not so much.

I admit that, even though I will still gladly eat mac n’ cheese (okay, that’s mostly because it’s cheap, fast, and my cholesterol is fine), that over the years I have become more and more reluctant to go to OG. Maybe my salt-detecting taste buds have finally matured and staged a revolt.

Now I only go to OG when I want “crap” Italian. It’s a phrase I stole from my Chinese friend who, despite having excellent taste in restaurants, occasionally still wants “crap Chinese,” the likes of which can be found at Panda Express “establishments” nationwide. Let’s face it, every once and while even the most refined of us just craves something greasy, salty, full of carbs, and predictable.

And living in a hellhole of white suburban Hummer-driving parade-bombing Teabaggers only encourages these sorts of restaurants.

My biggest complaint about Olive Garden? They didn’t have a tv in the bar.

For me the ads are for season passes at Squaw Valley. You take Olive Garden, I’ll take the skiing.

Yo Bogg, you selling your stick family sticker creation? They’d look awesome next to the beater trucks’ confederate flag decals here in guns-before-butter-land.

I had a friend (let’s call him Joe) who waiter-ed at an OG. One evening he attended to Mr. Cool’s, and Mr. Cool’s girlfriend’s, dining needs. Mr. Cool’s gf, when asked, declined any condiments to help with her fish. Upon paying the bill Mr. Cool left a few coins as a tip while pointing out that “no condiments accompanied the fish”. As the couple strolled outside into the lovely moonlight, Joe yelled “Hey asshole! You forgot your change!”, wound up and shock-and-awed Mr. Cool with a coin-blast. OG fired Joe but he became a living legend to the remaining serving staff. I think Mr. Cool was the straw that broke Joe’s back. He’d been talking about “the shiny food” for a while…

On the other hand, if you want food at 6am and you don’t want eggs and bacon (or sausage), Denny’s is a good place to start, especially when you’re traveling.

A chain that’s basically the Taco Bell of Italian food

But can they match Taco Bell’s “now with almost 40% beef in our beef” slogan?

I wouldn’t call Pada express ‘crap Chinese’ – it’s Americanized, but not that much. ‘Crap Chinese’ is what you get at the places that opened before 1960, when all people knew about it was chow mein and chop suey.

I can’t drive by a Wienerschnitzel and not drive-thru and get something.

You are not alone.

You hoity-toity Californians with your oh-so-fancy Wienerschnitzel.

Just Dog-in-a-Box here.

At Casa TBogg you get Wienersnarkzel and on Thursdays, Wienersdogzel.

Don’t feel bad. I have a friend who is as staunch a liberal politically as you’ll find, but who lives on a steady diet of crap food. I mean like, the really bad stuff – Sonic and the like – because she “hates to cook.” Well, cooking isn’t my favorite activity either, mostly because cooking for one usually just isn’t that exciting. But I’ve always made more of my food at home than most people I know because of the cost, and just kind of got in the habit of restricting my dining out to things that I didn’t or couldn’t easily prepare at home – which pretty quickly gets you away from fast food. At some point I just pretty much stopped eating fast food even occasionally, and once you do that and you try eating it again, it doesn’t taste good. It even SMELLS bad to me – when my friend gets her stuff at Sonic, there’s almost like this chemical aroma coming out of the bag, and I can taste the sugar in the bread & the corndog coating, etc. KFC has a really nasty aftertaste – which oddly seems to be in all their food – chicken, cole slaw, biscuits… Taco Bell I haven’t even thought about in years. Even McDonald’s fries taste nasty to me now. For a while I would still go to Subway sometimes, but then one day, I noticed that I couldn’t taste any difference between the meat, the cheese, the veggies, or the bread in their sandwiches.

I’m no foodie, either. I really think that people who eat a steady diet of chain restaraunt food get addicted to it, in the sense that their taste buds are primed to respond only to massive amounts of fat, salt, and sugar. My friend the Sonic diner dumped a shitload of salt all over the lovely risotto I made because after eating the stuff she normally eats, it didn’t taste right without being over-salted. My other friends who don’t eat that crap thought the salt in it was just right; adding any more would have been too much. Which is anecdotal, but I think probably most folks who have cut most of that stuff out of their diet would find themselves nodding along with what I noted above.

Eons ago, when I first came to California (shortly before Jerry Brown became Governor for the first time), some new friends asked me to name three things I liked about the U.S. I’m pretty sure Yosemite was one; one is lost in the mist of whatever we were smoking at the time; and the other was Denny’s. Whaaaaaat? they said. I had to explain that in England you were then SOL after about 8 at night and if you wanted breakfast at 3 in the morning, well, tough. Denny’s filled an important need in my life at the time.

But I confess that when hitchhiking to work not long thereafter I used to pass up Denny’s, go two more blocks … and break my fast at Sambo’s.

Yes, those were the days when you could still run a fast-food joint named after a pickaninny. Good times …

?? Guess you haven’t been way farther up Hwy 101, to Lincoln City, Oregon — home of Lil’ Sambo’s.

Heh. My sub pulled into Toulon and I was in desperate need of food. With limited funds and knowledge, I went to McDonald’s. At least I was ashamed of it; OTOH, I got some pommes de terre frite. Before we departed I then knew enough to blow my last few francs on a pressed sandwich from a cart outside the base.

I was stationed in Scotland for a while, and a McDonald’s would have been a blessing.

But do they have murals of a cheerful colored boy? Who grew gradually lighter over the years, incidentally …

(They call it “Hospitaliano”)

Over the years the cheerful colored boy has been airbrushed out in favor of tigers, umbrellas, and palm trees.

…which serve as a helpful menu to any passing predator or possibly a Catholic priest.

Shouldn’t there be a “…but I repeat myself” in there somewhere?