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The other night I was watching the mammal episode of David Attenborough’s Life series; in particular the filming of the humpback whale “heat run” wherein the female humpback makes a big fuss in the water which in turn attracts the attention of a pod of slacker male humpbacks who go rushing after her like a bunch of frat boys who just heard that a couple of girls are making out with each other in the game room. Once the gang is all there, the female takes off with the horny boy whales in pursuit, all the while beating the shit out of each other for the opportunity to be the one who gets to live up to their name by…. well, I think you get the picture. You know.. the two-humped hump.
I am reminded of this because Snowbilly Snooki, the Alaskimo Attention Whore has decided to make yet another holiday slow-news cycle her bitch (remember how she quit on July 4th weekend? Why is she so jealous of our national holidays?) by waggling her Titliest-textured tush at the media while giving them a sly wink over her shoulder as she began her Grift Over America 2011 summer tour. Unfortunately the media, knowing fully well that they are being played, can’t help themselves:
Day 2 of Sarah Palin’s bus tour, and the former vice presidential nominee has prompted little more than confusion over exactly what she is up to.
Palin started Memorial Day at the National Archives in Washington, but the only reporters who made it to her brief media availability there were those who happened to see tourists posting on Twitter that they had spotted her.
Palin went to the Archives after unannounced visits to monuments and other landmarks in the nation’s capital on Sunday afternoon, following a brief ride at the annual Rolling Thunder motorcycle rally. From there, it was to George Washington’s home at Mount Vernon, where reporters following Palin were able only to snap pictures of the former Alaska governor from a distance.
Though Fox News captured Palin saying, as she got off the bus at one stop, that she thought a Republican could beat President Barack Obama in next year’s election, she has done little to encourage belief that the trip is a precursor to a 2012 run of her own.
“This isn’t a campaign bus,” Palin said, according to reports. “This is a bus to be able to express to America how much we appreciate our foundation and to invite more people to be interested in all that is good about America and to remind ourselves we don’t need to fundamentally transform America, we need to restore what’s good about America.”
So, seriously guys, you would be more likely to find something that had political implications for the 2012 Presidential election if you, say, stampeded after Lindsay Lohan hoping to glimpse her latest vajazzling (oh, look it up….) as she exits a car.
This is not to say that Palin won’t have some sort of word-salad to shoot out of her mouth at each stop that a going-through-the motions editor might have some vague interest in printing.. With this in mind, I have prepared an All-Purpose Palin Pronouncement for use by her media horde which they can file without ever having to leave the comfort of their hotel rooms with the mini-bar and the all-day all-you-can-watch porn specials.
Just circle the most appropriate terms and file that bitch:
Took a surprise (tour/visit/wrong-turn) of (our beautiful national monuments/Waffle House/ the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix) tonight. We met some great (everyday citizens/Real Americans by which I mean ‘white people’/Koch brothers) who were also (“taking it all in”/spray painting “America, Fuck yeah!”/urinating on the side of a building) in honor of the greatest nation (on earth/white Jesus ever created) . One couple we met traveled from Michigan to (celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary in our nation’s capital/have sex on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial/see Anthony Weiner’s penis) , and they expressed how (thankful/appreciative/relieved) they were to live (in this land of great opportunity/in sin/ anywhere that wasn’t Wasilla). Also, (our fighting men and women/ Reagan/ the Constitution). Too.
Tonight, as the sun set, we gathered to (reflect/count the days take/get wasted) and were reminded why Americans (can feel great pride/can be sheared like sheep/remain mindless obese TV zombies with little knowledge or interest in the world) in this amazing country of ours. These people are the (greatness of America/wind beneath my wings/lifeblood of my ongoing scam) and without them I would not (have this great faith in the future of America/be living large/buying a meth compound in Arizona).
And that’s what this (tour/publicity stunt/grift) is all about.
(Send money/send money/send money) Also, Jesus. Too
You guys all totally owe me.
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Tbogg wins the internet today – “Touch Trig For A dollar”.
“Touch Trig For A Dollar”
It’s only a matter of time before she decides to adapt this for yet another revenue stream. I say you send her this and ask for residuals when she does.
I don’t spell it Trig. I spell it TriG. The little guy is a large part of her $$$ stream already. Like the rest of the kids, he will be better off as soon as he’s old enough to get away from her.
So, the Shrilla from Wasilla spent the weekend visiting historical/tourist sites run by the federal government?
How can she stand the ‘O’pression of it all, having the Interior Department shove such taxpayer-funded venues down her throat?
Sarah must’ve been reading all those medical journals while Bristol pulled the trigger and pooped out the little sack-o-taters.
“This is a bus to be able to express to America how much we appreciate our foundation and to invite more people to be interested in all that is good about America and to remind ourselves we don’t need to fundamentally transform America, we need to restore what’s good about America.”
My husband said, “That is some bus!!” and left to catch his own bus to work saying, “On the other hand, maybe MY bus this morning will be one that fundamentally transforms America. I’m excited!”
I’m in the grocery store check-out line and the conversation up at the register is about Palin’s motorcycle escapade. The elderly gentleman directly in front of me turns and cackles, “Yeah, that Sarah Palin in crazy… crazy like a fish!” So, now, that’s how I think of her. Crazy like a fish. (I might also add that this particular example of her constituency smelled quite a lot like pee.)
I don’t understand why the Palin Circus gets more press than Cirque du Soleil. Even though I can’t understand a word the C. du S. performers say, they are more intelligible than Palin word salad; the clowns have better costumes; the obscure and oblique plots make more sense; and the talent is right out there where you can actually see it.
All you get with Palin is babble, boobs and a bumpit.
I’m assuming he means ‘barracuda’, but the first thought that came to my mind would be a blowfish. Fill in your own descriptive metaphor. Or perhaps a carp, fedding on the scum and garbage at the bottom, and really not very tasty eating.
Yeah pretty much. Or even:
(Paris/Lindsey/Snooki/Sarah) made an appearance in (LA/New York/Milan/the heartland) today and told the (judge/judge/judge/reporters) that she was certain she would prevail….
They can just merge the celebrity and politics multiple choice forms, saves even more time and thought.
I hardly ever do this, but:
My MILFshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard
(golf clap)
Okay I rarely do this either but I’m confused about the golf clap thing.
2) Says that at a certain site online now it’s used without the sarcastic sense but 3) says no, no it isn’t.
“Damning with faint praise” is what I would have guessed just intuitively, after having grown up seeing it used sarcastically in TV and movies that way along with “melodramatically slow clap”.
Also too:
I bet she thought that saying foundation instead of base would make it sound like she was using a big word, instead of making it sound like she liked her makeup. Also “This is a bus to be able to”. Also.
I was under the belief that a golf clap inside the intertoobz was like how the crowds used to clap at golf tournaments, before the hoi polloi and random guttersnipes were allowed to buy tickets and shout “GET IN THE HOLE!” when someone was putting, or when Tiger Woods was being entertained in the parking lot. Hence, my respectful applesauce at Mr. Bogg’s witty title.
I guess I am not as aware of internet traditions as I thought. I’ll have to look for the manual online.
Oh no you may be using it the way everyone does, just wondering. The result of my confusion was that I actually don’t know which way people mean it when i see it, so thanks for the clarification. Either way I assume it came from the quiet clapping while watching pro golf, the question is just whether the reference to that is sarcastic or in earnest.
It’s also entirely possible that it means something entirely different to most people from what it used to mean, like the way “begs the question” seems to have gone as far as I can tell.
Restoring what’s good?
Let’s start with you, dumb lady:
Shut the fuck up. Now.
I suppose my respectful clapping is also due to the fact that he didn’t take the easy route and call it Sister Sarah’s Tragical History Tour.
TBogg,
This morning on the Stephanie Miller show, Charlie Pierce (Boston Globe) referred to you as one of his favorite Bloggers and urged people to check out this post. He mentioned “Touch Trig for a dollar”.
You’re a caution, TBogg, as my Gram use to say when she thought someone was outrageously funny.
Good for Pierce (whom I like). And thanks for reminding me about “a caution” which my Mum also used to use. I now intend to work it into many conversations (again).
I propose that she should be known by her street name, $arah.
Not to mention all those inconvenient bones in the way.
I think you guys are looking for the “slow clap“, the “golf clap” is a form of mockery, though I think the term been used incorrectly a great deal..
Also, aren’t we past MILFshake and onto GILFshake? Of course, in ~15 years when Tripp comes of age and has his contractually required (by way of deal with Satan) spawn, it’ll be GGILFshake. After that, it’s just necrophilia, which I still wouldn’t put past Rich Lowry, were he still with us at that time…
Haiku doesn’t always flow but that has to be one of the purest forms I have seen. Never ever having golf clapped I will do so now….
Oh no the slow clap also has an ironic mocking version. SNL did a whole bit based on it called “The Sarcastic Clapping Family” whose video seems to be blocked unfortunately. You’re talking about the slow-building sincere clap, which is different.
The slow mocking clap is the one inevitably followed by something like “Well, that was quite a speech you just gave, but…..”
Then there’s another kind of slow-building clap of course, best treated by medication.
Oh, boy. Now I have to explain to my kids why I’m laughing hysterically at the screen. Again. Damn you, tbogg, I wish I could quit you.
Eh, probably easier to just get rid of the kids. The QuitTBogg 12 Stepper includes bags of salted dicks, getting thrown “over the bus” and that fuckin’ Malkin cheerleader video…
Oh noes, don’t remind him of t f M c V …
I hope Charle Pierce reads the comments, too….TBogg has some of the smartest and funniest commenters on the intertoobz, fer sure. I too am laughing out loud…but my potential listeners are all asleep. whew.
Well, to be fair, he does occasionally balance TFMCV with Shakira’s ass.
“This is a bus to be able to express to America how much we appreciate our foundation and to invite more people to be interested in all that is good about America and to remind ourselves we don’t need to fundamentally transform America, we need to restore what’s good about America.”
What a touron!