I’m not sure what is in the water over at Patterico’s.

Previously on “Fappin’ With Pat”, Aaron Worthing was unable to achieve his ‘lift off‘ because Lara Logan wouldn’t talk dirty enough  for him. It was sad and creepy, but mostly creepy. Actually, 100% creepy.

Now, Patterico his own bad self is working the Weiner beat and he could have spent a lovely Southern California day with his wife and kids doing stuff in the sunshine. But, no. Because he can’t let this penis go, he spent the day creating timelines and using his mad Google skillz (with which we have personal experience) and reading between the lines and possibly even checking the kerning on notes passed amongst  some tweens who think Anthony Weiner is Bieberiffic. Despite the fact that the girls and their parents have said that there was no sexy-talk going on and then chose to shut down their MyTwitterFaceSpace’s because guys like Jim Hoft and Ace O’ Spades were having a literal Semenpalooza over their pictures….well, obviously this can only mean that there is A Giant Conspiracy afoot involving the girls, their parents, Anthony Weiner, Tommy Christopher, the DNC, the New York Times, The Smoking Gun, Twitter, Google, the Trilateral Commission, not-dead Elvis, a secret government organization that is so secret it doesn’t even have a name – just white spaces where letters should be, and the makers of the Fleshlight (If it’s tight…it’s Fleshlight®!).

That certainly doesn’t sound like Weiner unfollowed her because of Stack or Wolfe. Also on May 18, Betty tweeted this. In keeping with the Archie comics theme, I will replace the real Twitter handle of the person Betty is addressing with the name “Ethel,” another girl from the Archie strip.

RT @[Ethel]: Funny that you said you had a crush on a married politician. Are you forreal?

You see, Ethel (who still has her Twitter account) had been tweeting numerous starry-eyed tweets about Weiner. Ethel’s name has been published at the Daily Caller, but I would rather not publish it here, as she is of high school age. In April she had tweeted: “Seriously talking to Representative Weiner from New York right now! Like is my life real?” That tweet is now gone, though her account remains. A couple of days later, she wrote that she was “seriously depressed” that Weiner didn’t follow her any more. On May 13 she tweeted Weiner complaining that he used to follow her but no longer did. Two days later she wrote “SERIOUSLY LOVING LIFE AGAIN BUT I GOTTA KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT OR ELSE…” She followed that with “i love today, i really do” and “I’m in love with married men, #thatswhyimsingle.”

This is the same day (May 17) that Betty complained that one of her idols did not live up to expectations. And the next day, there was a message between Betty and Ethel in which one mocks the other for having a crush on a married man. (I can’t quite tell which; the form of the RT suggests that Ethel addressed an unnamed person and was retweeted by Betty, but the context suggests Betty talking to Ethel.)

On May 19, Ethel said: “Sitting in the chair where I first talked to my favorite Congressman. )))))))”

Ethel could have been talking about someone else, right? Wait: I’m not done yet.

There’s more….????

OMG!OMG!OMG!1!! TELL US!

It should be pretty clear by now that Betty is the same Betty I quote above who is asking Weiner to prom. Betty is the one, remember, who said on May 17 that she was disillusioned by one of her idols. Then she got into a dispute with Ethel. Then she complained that Weiner had unfollowed her — saying: “I defended him from people. Some thanks he gives to his loyal followers.”

QUESTIONING THE GIRL’S STATEMENTS: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED? AND, ARE THERE WEINER DMs/PICS OUT THERE WE NEVER SAW?

So I have to question the statement from Betty and her mother that Weiner unfollowed Betty as a favor to Betty. At the time, Betty seemed upset at Weiner because he had unfollowed her.

And if Betty and her mom are lying about that, as they sing Weiner’s praises . . . what else are they lying about?

Yeah, you know my best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night Anthony Weiner’s penis. I guess it’s pretty serious.

So who can get to the bottom of this riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma Fleshlight?

I’m going to close with this: Andrew Breitbart has been on the radio today saying that he has new information that is going to change the dynamics of this story.

This is not over, folks. Not by a longshot.

Well, yeah. Breitbart always brings a special kind of clarity to everything he drunkenly barfs on.