We all know that Galtian Step-n-Fetchit Congressman Paul Ryan is very serious about America’s precarious financial health which is why he is constantly trying to cut back on needless expenses like medical care for elderly Americans who are perfectly capable of breaking into medical waste containers outside of doctors offices and hospitals where they can forage for expired pharmaceutical samples and ‘gently used’ hypodermic needles. They are, after all, The Greatest Generation … or so Tom Brokaw keeps telling us.

But Ryan thinks it is also very important that we extend a helping hand to our future leaders who are painstakingly culled from our collegiate student herd population and housed in the petri dishes of future excellence more commonly referred to as “sororities’ and “fraternities”:

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) has for months argued for closing tax loopholes as a way to pay for his proposed tax cuts. But it turns out he has a penchant for creating those same loopholes when it comes to helping out his biggest donors.

Since unveiling the House GOP budget in the spring, Ryan has been touting provisions aimed at ending tax loopholes and deductions in exchange for lowering tax rates in general. “We’re talking about keeping revenues where they are, but having a better tax system to collect those revenues with an eye on economic growth and job creation,” he said during an April interview on National Public Radio’s “All Things Considered.”

He added, “You have to remember, the people in the top tax brackets are the ones who enjoy most of the loopholes and deductions.”

But a look at Ryan’s record since he was elected to Congress in 1998 shows that he has tried to create an array of special loopholes for his top contributors, whose interests range from air fresheners to fraternity housing to beer.

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The Wisconsin Republican has also pushed legislation that would have created tax loopholes for fraternity and sorority housing. Ryan himself was a member of Delta Tau Delta and, in 2004, received the fraternity’s alumni achievement award. A year later, Fraternity & Sorority PAC began giving donations to Ryan that, by 2010, totaled $24,500, according to OpenSecrets.org.

During those same years, Ryan sponsored or cosponsored three bills that would have allowed college fraternities and sororities to accept tax-deductible charitable contributions for the construction of more housing. None of the bills became law.

Some might begrudge providing a helpful tax break or two to America’s future industrial titans, job creators, innovators and their future first wives (who will be replaced at a later date by someone younger and prettier and with a nicer set of fake boobs).  But the Greek system is the forge of American exceptionalism where the children of privilege enter as  douchebags/closet cases/jock sniffers/roofie aficionados/Meg Whitman’s kid or  sluts/anorexics/secret alcoholics/lesbians until opposite marriage and moving to Connecticut. And when they leave , well, they’re still pretty much unchanged because the Greek system isn’t about change; it’s about contacts and knowing the right people by which we mean ‘rich white people’ who will get you a job because you once held their daughter Whitney’s hair back while she blew Taco Bell chum into the agapanthus . If that doesn’t land you an interview with a hedge fund, what will? I mean, besides your dad running one?

And, besides, we can’t have these young people wasting all of their (parents) money on stupid dumb stuff like housing when those dollars could be flowing into the economy by paying for red Solo cups, Natty Light, Taco Bell, ping pong balls, roofies, Bob Marley posters, TOM’s shoes, non-medical marijuana, black BMW’s, and abortions.

Think of it as trickle down only it smells like light beer, THC, and STD’s…