Skateboards
I’ve almost made them respectable
You see I can’t always get through to you
So I go for your son -

-Joe Jackson, I’m The Man

If there is one thing that makes conservatives absolutely crazy (besides liberals and poor people and homosexuals and government and brown people and Social Security and Medicare and abortion and science and intellectuals with their so-called “knowledge” and clean air and clean water and  good looking women who won’t sleep with them probably because they’re dykes, yeah, that’s it and foreigners with their weird not-english languages and. oh yeah,  sarcasm that always seems to be directed at them and then there’s Hollywood and hip hop music and how Dateline and that snoopy busybody Chris Hansen have made it almost impossible to find a date online and also that Kenyan muslim  President guy who is very annoying because … did I mention that he’s black?) it’s the fact that conservatives can’t pry the youth of America away from their tattoos and their texting and casual swapping  of STD’s long enough to teach them about how awesome America is. But you know what kids like? They like mid-tempo fist-pumping patriotic rock music that middle-aged pot-bellied white guys in stretched out Tom Petty Damn the Torpedoes t-shirts practice on their slightly out-of-tune guitars in the garage on Saturday afternoons because, hey, fifty-three isn’t too old to be hailed as the future of rock and roll, is it?

Well, yeah it is.

But that hasn’t stop budding Don Kirchner-wannabe Richard Mgrdechian from putting together The Next Big Thing:

My company, Purple Eagle Entertainment is looking for an awesome rock vocalist (age 21 – 40) to be the front man and lead singer for a new pro-American rock band we formed to record an album of original compositions and begin a national tour later this year. The ideal person should be extremely passionate about patriotic causes and have an in-depth knowledge of politics. The band is made up of world class rock musicians. A long term contract and signing bonus is available. A $1,000 fee is available to the person who refers us to the singer we sign on for this.

Exciting! And what a band it will be:

Lead and Rhythm Guitar –Christopher Schreiner: In 2008, Chris was a top ten finalist in Guitar Player Magazine’s Superstar Competition, as well as a finalist at the 2009 Urban Music Awards America’s Next Urban Superstar Competition. Renowned for his nuanced arrangements and music acumen, Chris was invited by ESC Records, along with music legends Steve Vai, Dennis Chambers and Billy Cobham, to contribute a track for one of their major releases of 2010.

Lead and Rhythm Guitar – Alex Bodnar: Alex has been a guitarist for a variety of elite musical acts since the age of fourteen when he had already mastered some of the most complex music around including Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Jimi Hendrix, Eddie Van Halen and others. At 21, Alex toured Japan as lead guitarist for Utada Hikaru (Japan’s all-time number one selling female artist). In 2006 Alex became musical director and guitar player for a promo tour with RBD, a Grammy nominated music group. In 2008, he joined forces with Creed frontman Scott Stapp for his second solo effort. As part of the Scott Stapp Band, Alex wrote numerous songs, played lead guitar and toured the world performing for tens of thousands of American military personnel during their Armed Forces Entertainment tour in locations including Africa, Netherlands, Germany, Italy, Kuwait, Bahrain.

Well, yeah that 2008 Stapp thing was kind of unfortunate but, hey, at least we  know that Alex has both the chops as well as refreshing lack of musical taste and integrity … so it sounds like it’s a match made in Rock ‘n Roll Heaven where you know they have a helluva band, or so I am told..

Anyway a bounty hunter turned up a singer  and …..

The band provides guitar-centric, pro-American rock music to a market completely devoid of anything similar. The band expects to become the face of patriotic rock and roll. Madison Rising is expected to perform at major campaign events, military bases, NASCAR events and other pro-American venues, establishing itself as a major political voice in this country during the 2012 election cycle and beyond. The band’s first single, Soldiers of America, was released on September 1st, 2011 and the album itself will be available on September 30th.

Sample lyrics:

They come from the bright light cities
They come from a one horse town
But if they’re coming for you boy
Ya better know they ain’t messin’ around (because)

They do it for me and they do it for you
And the red white and blue

So, America… are you ready to rawk out with your cawk out? Or whatever lady part you ladies rawk out with when you rawk out? Well, are you?!?

I give you Madison Rising (you may now  hold your lighters aloft and/or wave your hands  in the air like you just don’t care):

I bet they get a rivalry going with The Right Brothers just like Biggie and Tupac had. Only, in this case, no one will get shot.

Unfortunately…