Very exciting news!

Republican gag candidate and anal lube byproduct Rick Santorum is interrupting his Cornholing Across Iowa bus tour to give sparsely attended speeches about all of the cool beans things he would do if everyone else in America died in a horrible plague or were killed by the Bader-Creamedcorn Gang and then he became President because that’s pretty much the only way that would happen and even then there would probably still be a run-off with, like, a possum or something because at least a possum serves a purpose in life although I couldn’t tell you what it is.

For those who can’t attend because you’re at #Occupy Wall Street or at #Occupy Your Couch  While Watching King Of Queens Reruns, here is what you will be missing:

Santorum is set to launch a “Faith, Family and Freedom Tour” on Friday in Iowa, a state where he has been campaigning particularly hard.

The first of three addresses the former Pennsylvania senator will deliver in connection with the tour is titled “Moral, Cultural Policies for a Santorum White House.” He will deliver the speech Friday morning at his Iowa headquarters in Urbandale.

Santorum plans to travel to New Hampshire and South Carolina in the coming weeks to give two additional speeches. A campaign strategist told ABC News the candidate plans to address in detail how a Santorum administration would focus on “returning to traditional American values of faith and family; promoting freedom via economic security and stability; energy independence and securing our nation from international threats.”

This part is funny but also sad but mostly funny:

Santorum’s marathon schedule in Iowa — he often attends eight or more events in a single day — puts him at the top of the field when it comes to campaign visits to the Hawkeye state. He is expected to reach the 99-county milestone Wednesday night at the Decker House Hotel in Maquoketa in the Eastern Iowa.

According to the Des Moines Register “Candidate Tracker,” Santorum spent 69 days here with 187 events – more than his closest competitor Michele Bachmann, who has spent 51 days in Iowa holding 98 events. He’s gone to diners, libraries, and hit Iowa staples like the Pizza Ranch all over the state, holding events in both urban and rural Iowa, where sometimes only small crowds of 12 or 15 people show up. However, he’s hoping these are the people that will show up in January to caucus for him.

Traditionally, boots on the ground and meeting Iowans face to face is the key to winning the state. It worked for Gov. Terry Branstad’s gubernatorial campaign last year. But Santorum is still struggling to gain traction nationally and in this key state. A recent Des Moines Register poll showed Santorum near the bottom of the pack with 5 percent support.

So, basically, he doesn’t even stand a chance of getting elected President of Iowa.