
Insane yenta Pam Geller does not want to wake up Black Friday morning only to find out that everyone in line at Best Buy is now a Jew-hating Muslim looking for an early bird special on a flatscreen TV. How might this happen, you might ask, because you are a reasonable non-insane person? I will let Pam explain:
Did you know that the turkey you’re going to enjoy on Thanksgiving Day this Thursday is probably halal? If it’s a Butterball turkey, then it certainly is — whether you like it or not.
In my book Stop the Islamization of America: A Practical Guide to the Resistance, I report at length on the meat industry’s halal scandal: its established practice of not separating halal meat from non-halal meat, and not labeling halal meat as such. And back in October 2010, I reported more little-noted but explosive new revelations: that much of the meat in Europe and the United States is being processed as halal without the knowledge of the non-Muslim consumers who buy it.
I discovered that only two plants in the U.S. that perform halal slaughter keep the halal meat separated from the non-halal meat, and they only do so because plant managers thought it was right to do so. At other meat-packing plants, animals are slaughtered following halal requirements, but then only a small bit of the meat is actually labeled halal.
Now here is yet more poisonous fruit of that scandal.
A citizen activist and reader of my website AtlasShrugs.com wrote to Butterball, one of the most popular producers of Thanksgiving turkeys in the United States, asking them if their turkeys were halal. Wendy Howze, a Butterball Consumer Response Representative, responded: “Our whole turkeys are certified halal.”
Wendy Howze is, like, the worst terrorist ever. Without even having Marc Theissen waterboard her, she is admitting that Butterball turkeys are tryptophan-laden IED’s that use Pop-Up Turkey Timers as fuses and then explode getting Islam all over the cranberries and stuffing and even the All-American Apple Pie (4th Thursday of November! Never forget!). But wait. What is a halal turkey? Does Butterball single out the turkeys that face Mecca several times a day? Ones that are dark meat only? No, it is much more complicated than that:
Halal slaughter involves cutting the trachea, the esophagus, and the jugular vein, and letting the blood drain out while saying “Bismillah allahu akbar” — in the name of Allah the greatest.
So basically Muslim death turkeys are the end result of ritual turkey throat slitting that occurs while someone stands nearby spouting gibberish, which confirms what we have suspected for some time: Sarah Palin is a Muslim sleeper cell spy.




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But doncha see?
Once the magic words get into the meat, it doesn’t matter how long you cook it. The magic will pollute anyone who eats it!!
Oh wait. I checked the federal food safety website. All you have to do is cook the turkey to 165 degrees. Kills salmonella, campylobacter, listeria, sharia….
I think the obvious solution here is to waterboard the turkeys before they are slaughtered, because as Pammy will be more than happy to tell you, waterboarding is NOT torture.
If we do this, the non-torture of waterboarding will cancel out the torture of the bird having its throat slit while hearing Arabic mumbled in the background, which is obviously NOTHING AT ALL like having its throat slit while hearing Hebrew mumbled in the background, as would be the case with the kosher turkey that Pammy will probably be having for Thanksgiving.
Even-steven, everything’s kosher, good-to-go.
Halala Pamala, bloodless Meat Head.
Bravo! The pivot at the end of the post is a thing of beauty. Title’s good too.
I also heard Butterball wraps the turkeys in kefiyyehs and serves them a last meal of Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts before cutting their throats.
And do we have the resources to properly fight the War on Thanksgiving when the War on Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year?
Um… Pammy?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_Islamic_and_Jewish_dietary_laws
As I understand it, 50,000 birds are killed a day at the Butterball plant. Somehow I just can’t visualize line workers chanting “Bismillah allahu akbar” 50,000 times a day, especially knowing the quality of employee that works in a poultry slaughterhouse.
Is there a solution to this problem? Like sending money to someone?
“…visualize line workers chanting “Bismillah allahu akbar” 50,000 times a day.”
It’s Even Worse Than Pammy Can Imagine! “Bismillah allahu akbar” will be chanted in an Illegal Mexuhcun Accent! By Catholics!
Interestingly, both kosher and halal require sane people to perform the executions. Lucky for Pam, there’s no sanity definition applied to consuming the food.
I believe this, a public discussion of the
differencessimilarities of Islamic and Hebrew rituals, is what little tits wants to avoid.Chutzpah doing this. I guess she didn’t get a chance to talk with adults, first.
Yes Pam, it’s the black halalcopters, coming to get you. We’re all being turned secretly into muslins by eating contaminated turkeys. Sigh.
Is “Pepto Bismallah” what you chant after eating it?
Excellent point. And what’s up with the Presidential running mate’s hair line, not to mention the Star of David not apparent around her neck. It would seem that she’s a hair-puller…twisting away at the most availavble hair obsessively until it disappears. Whatever you might think about Obama, at least she’s disappeared…(hope, hope…)
The main difference is that most Muslim slaughter methods allow for stunning (via bolt or other method) of the animal, whereas Pammy’s favorite faith insists that the animal must be conscious and suffering the whole time.
I’ve seen kosher slaughter of cows. I’ve seen the animals writhe in agony. It’s not pretty.
So how can we pin this on Obama, I mean, it’s a TBogg thread so that means any minute now some fumbledick from the swamp out front, where the banshee screams of “sell out!” have become as ubiquitous as “mic check”, will go stamping around in a fit of teenage angst about the unfairness of the world and how it’s got to be changed and how the Kenyan-Muslim-Ususprer … oops, I mean, the bank-bought-fascist-Ivy-leaguer-in-chief who never met a republican talking point he wouldn’t make sweet love to while the sobs of orphans ring in his ears, has just got to be held responsible!
Oh, and Orly Taitz is back to making friends and influencing people, if making friends means pissing off every single rational person in the country and influencing them means you want to see them forced to read firedoglake all day every day for a thousand years.
Are you objecting to stories like this one?
Or this one?
Or maybe this one?
What’s Pammy’s position on Broaster(tm) Chicken? ‘Cause that’s what I’m having for T’giving – along with a side of anchovy pizza.
“Genuine Broaster Chicken® has been an American favorite for over 50 years. But you’re not limited to just chicken – you can pressure fry potatoes, pork chops, ribs, seafood, vegetables, and a multitude of other items using unique recipes supplied by The Broaster Company. Best of all, we’re continually adding new choices to our Genuine Broaster® program. For example, our new Broasterie® chicken is specially marinated and seasoned for a delicious, one-of-a-kind rotisserie flavor, then cooked in a Broaster Company pressure fryer to ensure that each bite is tender, juicy, and flavorful, right down to the bone.”
I think they’re having a special on Broaster(tm) cranberry sauce and Broaster(tm) pumpkin pie too. All American!!!
Just as I’ve noticed that there are people who will sometimes try to blame Obama for the most random and absurd things, I’ve noticed that others devoted to the idea that he never be criticized for anything will often preemptively leap to his defense when no one has actually brought any up at all. Two sides of the same obsession if you ask me.
Kind of the way they treat Palestinians….
We always soak our turkey in red wine. Definitely a mortal sin for which I’ll spend an eternity in hell. But, damn, that gravy is something to die for!
btw, when did we start blaming Obama for everything? I’m still blaming Clinton. Was there a memo, email, or something I missed…?
Can brining substitute for waterboarding?
Only if it’s done while the turkey is still alive.
I’m sorry, I haven’t been following this “scandal”. What exactly is supposed to happen if us God fearing Americans end up eating Halal meat?
Because someone says some magic words while dispatching a turkey?
I seriously need to know, because this is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read.
Wait until she finds out that the numbers we now use were brought to Europe in the 10th Century, by, that’s right: ARABS!!!! No wonder I have trouble balancing my checkbook. It’s poisoned by Hilal math.
I can’t BUY better entertainment, not even down on Broadway or from the intertoobz . . .
Stellar.
Did NOT see the Griftah linkage coming, beautifully set up like a bowling pin.
4 Thumbs Up.
Religion and religious people….the gift that just keeps on giving. I laughed so hard I fudged my pants!
8 track tape loop.
If you listen closely to the end part of Strawberry Fields Forever you can hear John saying “Burberry sauce”.
Sarah Palin…..the gift that just keeps on giving. Just when you think she can’t do or say anything more moronic than her last “moronic episode”, she’s pulls an “Energizer Bunny” impression.
And to think this woman could have been a “cerebral vascular accident” or MI from the White House.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner of the innertubz for the day.
Humboldtblue, step up and claim your Terrorist Turkey! (I think Phoenix Woman is heating it up for you….)
AtlasShrugs.com
Must be true…
The most horrible thing I learned about turkeys – it’s useless to brine the previously frozen birds that have been previously injected with the water/salt solution; damn near ALL frozen turkeys!
And smoking them is near impossible – you can barely roll them much less get them lit.
A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That’s the way your hard-core
CommieMuslim works.Giblet Libel!!!11!! (Ummmm, giblets. . .)
Allegedly mumbling some Arabic mumbo-jumbo whilst slaughtering Tday turkeys is about the last thing clueless fuckwits like Pam Geller should get her skeevy knickers inna bunch about. Geller panders to the bigotry of the Teatards whilst totally ignoring the disgusting, unsanitary & unhealthy way most turkies are raised, slaughtered & packaged. Who gives a fuck if you & your family dies from salmonella poisoning just as long as some Arabic wasn’t spoken at the slaughterhouse!!
Huzzah!
I am really conflicted. I have a Halal turkey in my frig right next to some Kosher hotdogs and Kosher pickles. And I’m Catholic!!!!
Please provide were you live and the police will be right over;) No, wait they’ve read this post and are on the way now. Please have a Great/Safe Holiday Everyone
Pam’s people have their ritual food schtick better organized. The requirements for kosher and halal are almost exactly alike, not especially onerous or involved, and not terribly different from what the industry would do had neither religion ever come up with these ritual requirements.
But Islam doesn’t have it organized into a racket. They’ll take your word for it that you did it right, and you get the halal label. For the kosher label, though, you have to hire an on-site rabbi. Praise be unto Allah, bit praise plus a bit of geld unto Yahweh.
Ah, TBogg. I was a little worried, seeing this onn the front page, but you seem to have fended off the worst.
Plenty of your usual crowd, the funniest commenters on the web, people like UncertaintyVicePrincipal, who should have their own blogs. Newcarguy is coming along well, too, along with puravida and kama jo6pac, and bunches of others I’m leaving out.
I busted out laughing when I read TBogg’s last line, and just kept laughing as I went through the comments.
I refuse to think seriously about Pammy’s obssession, and just laugh.
Thank you all!
Huh. I didn’t know that either. But then I’m way too lazy (and set in my ways?) to brine or smoke a turkey. Ex smokes ‘em now and then…good, but way too much work for me.
I just stick it in a plastic bag (made for the purpose) and let it go.
As a young bride I used to worry a lot about getting Thanksgiving perfect, starting with the turkey…then I learned that perfect ain’t happening, especially on a holiday with lots of relatives coming, and I quit worrying.
From Wiki:
Of course, there’s bickering and disagreement about some details, but I’d wager that Butterball either:
a) Makes Kosher food and says, “Hey, if it’s Kosher, it’s also Halal!”
b) Made minor adjustments to what was likely a long-standing process to make it Kosher so that it is also Halal.
In short, I’d bet dollars to donuts that the only reason they have Halal meat is because they already made Kosher meat. Without the Kosher history, they probably wouldn’t have bothered. Or who knows, maybe they would have if demand was high enough, but that’s just the free market for you. Is Pammy gonna hate on that?
Right, because being reflexively, obsessively anti-Obama never ever happens at FDL.
Uhhh, has anyone checked into tofurkey’s slaughtering practice? I’d seriously hate to wake up Friday morning and discover that I belong to the wrong faith.
A SHONDA!
Awesome catch on Leymah Gbowee. Obviously, lionizing her and demonizing the OWS is yet another instance of my pet rightwing tactic, the Toilet Paper Strategy. In this case, they’re giving a shit about protesters’ rights Over There so they don’t have to give a shit about them Over Here.
Maybe Pam Juggs, or whatever, should offer her services to spout her own jibberish as turkeys are slaughtered in whatever way she pleases, then make up her own slogan to sell these birds. Whatever happened to Rugged Konservative Induhvidualism, anyway?
Praying over turkeys? America has been doing that for decades, ever since some round red-faced guy lamented “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly”.
Also, there is no way on earth that any act of atonement could make up for what John Madden has done to turkeys. And ducks. And chickens. Très treyf.
I wish Pammy would get a real job, or a hobby, or a clue.
It’s not coincidental that an anagram of Sarah Palin is Sharia Plan.
Jesse Ventura is an egotistical meathead whose self-regard trumps what in ordinary circumstances would be a fine brain — flip a few neural switches and the man could have been the next Floyd Olson — but I will always give him credit for saying this:
I hope you don’t mind, but, I fell in love with this comment and we did some things in the alley, some very naughty things. Is it too early to talk about how much the wedding and divorce and child support payments are going to cost you?
I get why you’re so defensive of FDL Home Central Command.
I took that to mean a “community member” not a “front pager”.
I could very well be wrong, after all, I was manipulated into some seriously bad shit by Hat’s (may I call you Hat) comment @6…
How the fuck did a live turkey escape Butterballs assassins?
Those big turkey deep fryin’ setups? They’re not for fryin’, they’re for smokin’! Big turkey bongs! Fire the burner, bust that turkey up (or trim it, as the hip kids say), toss ‘er in the turkey bong, cover and enjoy!
That’s why the miracle of booze needs more props. The turkey dinner may not be perfect but when half the family ends up with knife wounds in the hospital who cares?
I think even the ever vigilant Pam is missing the real scandal here. In reality, this has nothing to do with halal. Clearly these turkeys are being forced to undergo Islamic conversion at knife point. Islam has always been spread by violent jihad. The ones who end up on American dinner tables are those who later recanted and were executed as apostates, as Islamic law dictates. The Islamofascist respects the freedom of conscience of neither man nor fowl.
Ralph Nader did. He witnessed innocent soy beans mercilessly confined on dirty dirt, deprived of water to ripen their little hearts for harvest. He cried as a twig (or two) of thyme was ripped away from its family and pummeled by a Cuisinart. Was that thyme Egyptian originally or from further north? Who cares. It was green but had no card and was sacrificed. Nader does not sleep, haunted by fevorish dreams, consumed by the cruel war on vegetables, herbs and leafy greens.
Nader/Spam 2012!!!
gunsbeforebutter, my deepest apologies for leaving you out of the list of funniest TBogg commenters. You’ve outdone yourself tonight.
Wiping my eyes, heading off to bed. Thx!
Thanks goes to TBogg.
Or blame….
As the clip shows, Sarah’s always dishing out her word salad waaaay before the turkey’s ready to come out of the oven.
You should translate “allah” as “the god”, since that is what the words mean (al lah).
“Lah” is cognate with Hebrew “Eloh”, as in “Elohim” (meaning “male gods”, so Genesis starts with “In the beginning of the male gods’ creation of the heavens and the earth, the earth was chaos and emptiness…”).
TBogg, I registered with FDL just to tell you this is the funniest damned thing I’ve read in a while. Commenters too. I’ve linked to it, hope you don’t mind.
Whoa! Like Herman Cain’s brain on Libya.
Thanks, but I just write whatever the Soros chip in my head tells me to.
Thanks TBogg and all the commenters. Great post and comments. I needed a good laugh today. Shot coffee out my nose when I read:
“Butterball turkeys are tryptophan-laden IED’s that use Pop-Up Turkey Timers as fuses and then explode getting Islam all over the cranberries and stuffing.”
She’s so sneaky! The complaint is that the pagans and christian goyim mud people without souls will end up eatin’ religiously slaughtered turkey and not even know it.
It will be okay if islam gets on the turkey, but mud people should definitely avoid the kosher beef and sausage.
failed messiah did a good job at helping to expose Rubashkin/Aarons slaughterhouses.
Just red wine? Anything else? Any particular kind of red wine? I’m fond of red wine and I’m not cooking for children this year.
I’m going full Paul Ryan with 2 $350 bottles of Jayer-Gilles 2004 Echezeaux Grand Cru and a kilo of Peruvian flake stuffed into a gold-dusted, nearly extinct, heritage turkey. Don’t stuff the wine inside the turkey! That’s for brining stacks of $1000 bills (topped with a nice cognac) in the truck of your Bentley. Light the Bentley on fire and stoke it with played-out diamonds and that one sad hooker who says she’s bearing your lovechild.
MDCitizen? Why do you hate children?
“Palin, Paa-lin, Paaaa-lin! Paaaaaa-lin! Paaaaaaaaaa-lin!…JESUS CHRIST!…Paaaaa-lin…JESUS CHRIST!”