Parade Magazine, the weekly periodical for people who find Reader’s Digest too erudite, has an absolutely fascinating interview with incredibly life-like human simulacrum Mitt Romney conducted by professional sycophant for hire, David Gergen.  Were you an old person browsing through your Sunday paper looking for coupons for All Bran®, you might have run across this compelling profile (right after clipping out the recipe for Linda Evans’ Dynasty Corn Pudding. Yum, and such a lovely woman, not at all like those trollops on teevee these days) entitled A Mitt Romney You Haven’t Seen Yet.

In the wake of Fox’ News’ Bret Baier’s recent high tech lynching of Mitt Romney, where Baier blood libeled Romney’s ever-changing moods positions, Gergen was obviously dispatched to calm the waters and smooth  Mitt Romney’s mussed up hair.

So what things,David Gergen, besides Mitt’s Magic Mormon Underwear, have we not seen yet? well…

  • He works hard and not just for the money:

Americans know your policy positions, but they don’t know you well as a person. Tell me how your father, George, influenced you.
My dad was a carpenter who never completed college, yet he went on to be CEO of American Motors and governor of Michigan. At home, he filled us with the conviction that life was not handed to us on a silver platter. He made sure my brother and I mowed the lawn, shoveled the driveway. When he ran for president and his tax returns were published, it was clear he could’ve hired a landscaper. But he decided we would learn to work with our hands.

Did he get you up early in the morning to go do the chores?
Yeah, the early morning chores began with the snow shoveling. We had a long driveway and a lot of snow in Michigan. The lawn mowing was not early in the morning. That was Saturdays. We had many, many seedlings of pine trees he planted on the bank around our home, and I was required twice a week to water all of these seedlings and then pull the weeds out from around them. We had a large flower bank or a vine bank in the backyard, which required constant weeding, the task I disliked the most.

  • He couldn’t be trusted around women:

You’d already met Ann by the time you left for France, right?
That’s right. It’s hard to explain, but we fell completely and totally in love. I was 18 and a senior in high school. She was a sophomore. I told her I didn’t want to go on my mission, that I wanted to go to college and get married to her. She wasn’t a member of our church yet, but she said, “No, you must go on your mission. That’s your family heritage.” I did, but the thought of losing her was a source of great anxiety. [laughs]

Did you talk often on the phone while you were away?
No, we wrote weekly, but we were not to talk but once or twice a year.

Under the rules of the church?
Under the rules of the church. I was fortunate that she went to Grenoble, France, to study for a semester abroad, and I got to see her when she came through Paris. I was, of course, there with a missionary companion.

A male missionary companion?
Yeah, so we were always chaperoned.

You mean that even when you saw her you had a male companion around?
Oh yes, of course, yes. As a missionary, you’re never alone. You’re always supposed to be with your companion. It keeps us out of trouble, I’m sure. It saves the church a lot of headache.

  • He won’t talk shit about his wife if he thinks she might hear about it later:

What kind of First Lady do you think she would be?
She is the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known, an extraordinary mother, and a very caring person. People immediately identify her connection to and passion for others. She would be one of the great First Ladies.

  • He is brutally self-deprecating:

If you could use one word to describe yourself, what would it be?
Devoted. Devoted to my family, my faith, and my country.

  • He parties like a motherfucking maniac on weekends:

When you’re not campaigning, how do you like to spend Sundays?
When the whole family’s together, we start with a big breakfast. Ann makes batter for pancakes, and I flip them. Then we go to church for three hours. In the afternoon, we’ll watch a football game, tell stories, wrestle, read, take walks. If we’re in New Hampshire, we have a little manmade beach where we dumped some sand next to the lake. We sit down there all day, and the kids play in the sand and they swim in the water and we swim back and forth to the swim platform. We have a little 25 horsepower outboard that the grandkids can drive. I go with them around the lake. There is nothing I enjoy as much as just watching my grandchildren and my children. It’s been that way since we first started having children.

  • This next question does not compute. Warning! Warning! Deflector shields up!

Your net worth is an estimated $250 million. How can you connect with the people struggling to get by?
Americans have looked to people like Dwight Eisenhower, F.D.R., and the Kennedys, who all had unusual experiences that were needed for the times they served. In the U.S., the very poor are provided a safety net, which must be maintained. The very rich are doing fine. The middle class is suffering. It is for the great majority of Americans, the 90 percent in the middle, that I’m running for president.

  • He is brutally self-deprecating. Again.

How would you describe your core? What are your passions?
I love this country. I love the principles upon which this nation was founded. I have a deep affection for the American people. And I was raised with a conviction that I have a responsibility as an American citizen to help the country and to help my fellow citizens.

  • He has had sex five times, hates his job, thinks he could do better, drinks himself into a stupor every night to forget his pain, and can’t wait to get away from his family

Is there anything else you’d like Americans to know about you?
What I enjoy most in life is being with my family—my five sons [Tagg, 41; Matt, 40; Josh, 36; Ben, 33; Craig, 30] and 16 grandkids.

It sounds like you truly cherish your time together.
Some people bring work home. They eat dinner and then they go into the study and work. When I came home, I put the briefcase by the door and didn’t look at it till the next morning. For me, life is what happens away from work. Life is about family. I recognize that if I get elected to the office I seek, family time will be dramatically cut back. It will be my time to serve.

So, basically he’s just like you and me…

Romney/Existential Despair 2012!