Hey ladies! Michelle Duggar, the woman who treats her vagina as if it were a baby salad shooter, has some wonderful tips for hanging onto That Very Special Man if your Special Man is like her husband Jim Bob. And who wouldn’t want a man like Jim Bob who is just like one of those Golden Corral chocolate fountains only instead of chocolate he is overflowing with a seemingly endless supply of semen.

Yum.

So if you find the thought of that intriguing (and who wouldn’t?) and you are a woman (so sorry Sheriff Babeau, Ladies Nite only!) here is what you gotta do to snatch yourself up a winner:

  • A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man: This one states that a woman destroys her husband’s manliness by “being financially independent; Love is killed by self-sufficiency.”
  • A husband needs a wife who accepts him as a leader and believes in his God-given responsibilities
  • A husband needs a wife who will continue to develop inward and outward beauty: Your hairstyle, for example, can show “obedience vs defiance” and “personal discipline vs inconsistency,” among many other things.
  • A husband needs a wife who can lovingly appeal to him when he is going beyond his limitations and wisely respond to those who question his ideas, goals, or motives: “Ask your husband to tell you when you have a resistant spirit; ask forgiveness whenever you do.”
  • A husband needs quality time to be alone with himself and with the Lord.
  • A husband needs a wife who is grateful for all he has done and all he is doing: “Expect nothing and be genuinely grateful for each little evidence of your husband’s love.”
  • A husband needs a wife who will be praised by other people for her character and her good works.

For those keeping score at home, that’s just “A husband needs a wife who doesn’t bruise easily” away from a Chris Brown prenup…