Republican “insiders” (which is a nicer way of describing the “not completely batshit insane” wing of the party) are still licking their wounds after being burned by the Great Palin Immolation of 2008, so this go-around they’re looking for a nice steady no-drama kind of guy who they can take home to mom. You know, the kind of guy who won’t take a dump on the dining room table and start smearing shit on his face while speaking in tongues between the main course and dessert. Finding Marco Rubio too brown, and Allen West way too fucking brown, they seem to be coalescing around Ohio’s Rob Portman who is basically Mitch Daniels, but without the swinger wife.

So what does Portman bring to the buffet?:

Portman, a former Congressman from the Cincinnati area who was director of the Office of Management and Budget during the George W. Bush administration, was elected to the U.S. Senate in 2010. And the warmth Republican elites express for him stems much from a desire to avoid another risky, flamboyant pick like Sarah Palin as it does for his ability to help carry an important swing state.

“Romney needs to make a safe pick, and keep talking about the economy — and that’s Rob Portman,” said one committeewoman from the West.

Portman’s seeming inability to overshadow the vanilla Romney gives him a rare qualification — and potentially a leg up over the rest of the field.

“He’s not going to be Palin — he’s not going to be fighting to get in front of cameras, [Portman] knows his place,” he one Midwestern committeeman.

“He was born to be the guy standing next to the guy,” said another member. “He’s the type of guy who ran for vice president of his high school student council.”

To recap: boiled-potato-on-white-bread-with-Miracle-Whip-sandwich Rob Portman makes Mitt Romney look like Louis Farrakhan on a Red Bull & meth bender.

Get excited, Republican base. Get very excited…