In Connecticut yesterday Ann Romney, who is The Hardest Working Mom In Politics™, provided an impassioned explanation as to why she is allowing her husband, currently unemployed mild-mannered business executive Willard Mitt Romney, to leave off doing chores around the house (taking out the garbage, hunting varmints to feed his youngun’s, busting up a chiffarobe for kindlin’, firing the Mexican gardener because he’s running for President for pete’s sake) and go out and save the world (America, fuck yeah!) from the Godless socialism of that there Nobamer feller.
You may recall that Mitt once before tried to foil the nefarious schemes of Hopey Changey Guy only to be cock-blocked by Shouty McMaverickman and his intermittently loyal sidekick Mama Grizzly Mama. Despite investing close to $43 million of his own money derived from buying companies, killing off the employees and selling off the remains, Mitt could find no love from an ungrateful populace.
Four years later America is once again menaced with rampant EuroKenyan socialism as well as slightly improved access to quality healthcare and so we need a hero, and he’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. So, Mittens! sat down with his wife and his five strapping now independently wealthy young sons (Neo, Ripley, Ender, John Carter of Mars, and Hal 3000) to explain to them that his country needs him and there is no time to waste.
Take it away, Domestic Executive Ann:
She recalled how hard her family found campaigning four years ago, saying of watching someone you care about on the stump: “You know that they’re being maligned at times, you know that they’re being misrepresented at times, and you know that they’re not getting (the) proper treatment at times.”
And yet, she said, “Here we go again.”
The family decided as a group that Romney should run again, she said, but unlike 2008, only she and one of her sons felt her husband should go forward. They gamed out scenarios, she said, and then she turned to her husband.
“I said I only want to know one thing and that is, Mitt, if you get the nomination … can you fix it? I need to know, is it too late?” she said. “Has America gone over the proverbial cliff and we don’t have time to turn things around. I need to know whether it’s worth all this … He said no, it’s getting late, but it’s not too late. And with that I said, that’s all I need to know … if you can fix it, you must do this.”
And so now Mitt Romney must win so that he can fix the America before it is too late and it goes over the proverbial cliff and then we will all crash and die horrible deaths and then the Romney’s will have to spend the rest of their lives converting our spacesouls, which will be just chillin’ and floating around out in space near planet Golub, into Mormons.
And nobody wants that, least of all Ann Romney who has a lot of shit to do, what with working her fingers to the bone raising five young mancubs and such and such…