Dreamy zombie-eyed granny-starver™ Paul Ryan has shrugged off (ha! get it?) his longtime girlfriend, nicotine-stained dominatrix Ayn Rand, after many years of masturbating to the now deceased crones girlhood journals. It seems that no amount of ‘trains going into tunnels’ and scenes of capitalism rape could give Ryan the “Rearden Steel” boners he once enjoyed with such childish delight and now he just wants to cuddle, maybe watch Lifetime:
“I reject her philosophy,” Ryan says firmly. “It’s an atheist philosophy. It reduces human interactions down to mere contracts and it is antithetical to my worldview. If somebody is going to try to paste a person’s view on epistemology to me, then give me Thomas Aquinas,” who believed that man needs divine help in the pursuit of knowledge. “Don’t give me Ayn Rand,” he says.
Previously Ryan could not find enough ways to show his love for Rand and took to forcing his interns into threesomes and foursomes, culminating in entire-office orgies on Christian holidays. Mistletoe, bitchez! get some:
“The reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand,” Ryan said at a D.C. gathering four years ago honoring the author of “Atlas Shrugged” and “The Fountainhead.”
Ryan also noted in a 2003 interview with the Weekly Standard, “I give out ‘Atlas Shrugged’ as Christmas presents, and I make all my interns read it. Well… I try to make my interns read it.”
No word yet on whether Mrs. Ryan will laser off the entire John Galt speech that she had tattooed on her back so that Paul could read it aloud while they were doing the “Dagney Doggy”.
I know. Ick.
Note: Zombie-eyed granny-starver™ is a trademark of Charles P. Pierce World Industries. Respect.