La Famiglia Romney has migrated to their Northern Compound in New Hampshire (because who wants to be in La Jolla in July? Ick) for summertime hijinks and they are having awesome compulsory family fun because Mitt and Ann are all patriarchal/matriarchal that way:

This weekend, Mitt Romney is starting his annual summer vacation on his lakefront compound here — a week of fun and family, though not entirely carefree.

The Romneys, 30 in all these days, spend their time away from the stresses of everyday life — like, say, wrapping up the Republican nomination for president — by following a highly orchestrated, highly competitive regimen of sports and games known as the “Romney Olympics.”

The Romney Olympics have long included a mini-triathlon of biking, swimming and running that pits Mitt and his five sons and their wives against one another. But after Mitt once nearly finished last, behind a daughter-in-law who had given birth to her second child a couple of months earlier, the ultra-competitive and self-described unathletic patriarch expanded the games to give himself a better shot.

So Mitt is one of those hyper-competitive dicks who go “3 out of 5 …. 4 out of 7 … 5 out of 9″ when he is losing to his seven year-old granddaughter. Nice.

By day, the Romneys kayak and water ski — one sport at which Mitt excels — play tennis and basketball, stage a “home-run derby” and horse around on a slip-and-slide. Most of the grandchildren (there are now 18) put on a talent show on a stage that Papa, as they call Mitt, constructed in the backyard. And he helps them roast s’mores over a campfire and leads them on treasure hunts. He grills chicken and salmon and teaches the kids how to drive his lawn tractor.

When Romney is not forcing his grandkids to perform Mountain Meadows Massacre: The Musical! he gets them to mow his lawn because it’s cheaper and politically less risky than hiring brown people.

At night, the adults gather for family meetings, with each evening focused on a frank and full discussion of a different son’s career moves and parenting worries.

Each member of the family picks a daily chore from a “chore wheel,” so as to share cleaning tasks evenly. And before anyone departs, everyone poses on the lawn for a portrait for that year’s Romney family Christmas card. The grandchildren coordinate outfits; last summer, the girls wore matching orange and yellow polka-dotted dresses and the boys, blue checkered shirts.

All of that. Just. Fucking. Kill. Me.

Romney’s 13-acre estate features a six-bedroom house, a horse stable with guest apartments above it, a $630,000 boat house, tennis and volleyball courts and a shoreline stretching 768 feet, more than double the length of a football field, according to public property records.

Romney and his wife, Ann, purchased the home in 1997 for $2.5 million and later bought adjoining land. This year, records show, the estate was assessed at $8 million.

You really have to loot a lot businesses and throw a lot of fetuses into a woodchipper to afford those kind of digs.

Last winter in Iowa, Romney campaigned at a diner with his youngest son, Craig, who shared an anecdote from the Romney Olympics as an example of his father’s competitiveness.

Although Craig’s wife, Mary, had just given birth, she competed anyway in the triathlon.

“All the boys had finished at that point, and it was down to my wife and my dad,” Craig said.

“I tripped her!” Mitt quipped, joking. [Ed: Insert weird Romney Ha Ha Ha Ha laugh here]

“In the home stretch,” Craig recalled, “she had a slight lead on him and . . . he was going to win that race or he was going to die trying. And you see this fight to the finish. He went for this, he gave it everything he had, he gave it a good kick and he beat her in the end.”

Craig said his dad was so fatigued that “he passed out in the lawn chair, and we didn’t see him the rest of the day.”

“You know,” Mitt added, “there’s more to that. I changed the nature of the triathlon after that. I didn’t like this idea that these were only swimming, biking and running.”

Now, he said, “we have log-sawing, nail-hammering. We added some things I excel at so I don’t come in last every year.”

Mitt Romney will do anything to win.

Anything.