Guitar-strumming mental health outpatient Ted Nugent is all “Hello South Bloomington Swap Meet & Craft Festival Sunday shoppers! Are you ready to rock? Aaaa-oo! Aaaa-ooo! Wang dang sweet poontang!” because Mitt Romney selected Paul Ryan to be his second as part of his Morning In America v2.0 duel against the olds, poors, coloreds, gays, messicans, workers, wimmins, youngs, science, and The Enlightenment.
That is because Ted Nugent shares a mystical/spiritual bond with Paul Ryan that You People cannot understand unless you have participated in the crucible of manhood that is going mano a mano with a wild feral woodland deer. Paul Ryan has done this and lived to tell and that has made Ted Nugent’s one good eye (the one that doesn’t kind of look off to the one side all weird and shit) peer dreamily into the distance with a remembrance of wood smoke and chilled breath in the crisp dawn air, the sound of crackling leaves underfoot, the quarry sighted, an arrow released good and true, the death throes, and then the solemn ritual of slitting open the beast, consuming it hot and still beating heart as the black flies are drawn to your blood smeared face, your forearms covered in gore and viscera up to the elbows, droplets of blood glittering like death rubies on the leaves as a merciless sun breaks through the clouds illuminating your mastery and dominion over nature…
Then some wetnaps for cleaning up. Maybe a little Purell because you can never be too safe….
Oh, right, The Nuge:
Conservative rocker Ted Nugent says in an exclusive interview with Newsmax that you can tell a lot about the kind of vice president Paul Ryan would make by the fact that he lists bowhunting as one of life’s great passions.
“He’s an addicted bowhunter. He loves the mystical flight of the arrow,” explained Nugent, who was taking a break from his concert tour on Saturday at a lakeside log cabin in Michigan. “I defy you to come up with a person that has a more spiritual relationship with the pulse that drives Paul Ryan’s life than me.”
Unlike other forms of hunting, Nugent, a fellow bowhunter, said the sport imposes the “ultimate challenge and discipline” on hunters if they want to be successful.
“Killing a deer with a bow and arrow is borderline impossible because the animals are so wary and the bow and arrow is such a short-range weapon,” said Nugent, who is also on the board of the National Rifle Association, in an exclusive interview.
“This kind of discipline is just what America needs in leadership and I know it appears to be a huge leap from what some consider recreational activities,” he said. “Paul and I could go to the grocery store if we wanted to, but we have chosen this original primal pursuit of game with a self-limiting weapon. And that says volumes for what drives this man to do the right thing in spite of political correctness.”
This is real hunting, not pussy shoot-your-best-friend-in-the-face hunting. It will come in very handy when newly elected Vice President Paul Ryan stalks the wily and dangerous North American oldster, many of whom live in herds in Florida and are known to congregate around the steam tables about 4PM for their evening feeding.
Cry Matlock! and let loose the arrows of austerity!