The Outlaw Jersey Whale

To you, TBogg, I say: Nobody does it bitter better!

With this & Let’s Get Drunk With Ann Romney – The Drinkening, you could certainly rest on your laurels, if you so chose, but please, please, please don’t!

But, damn, here’s hoping against hope that Christie’s bloated corpus lasts long enough for him to run in 2016… well, okay, maybe not run, but then at least waddle for president of the other 49 states as well.

So this is what happens when John Galt goes to seed….

My god does Christie have chutzpah. The moment after his line about the GOP and “bipartizanship” he should have burst into flame from the sheer friction of trying to jam those two ideas together. Oh, and I especially liked his line about how “It doesn’t matter how we got here”. It fucking does when your plan is to repeat the policies that got us here, only now cranked up to 11 and covered in broken glass and rattlesnake venom.

I don’t really blame him for not talking about Romney for the first 15 minutes of the speech, though. Lord knows I’d want to delay that indignity as long as humanly possible.

My life is now complete! If I gave TBogg the seed that grew into a title I will stand a little taller and walk a little prouder today. (And I could really use that extra height — I started out as 5’2″, and you shrink when you get older…)

Classic. You’re like a fine wine, TBogg, getting better with age.
Well done, Sir.
(golf clap)

Teh Boyz applaud you, T.

I, for one, look forward to seeing the 2016 GOP swearing fealty to The Overlard of Joisey.

That’s some mighty fine snarkin ya got there

I couldn’t listen, but “it doesn’t matter how we got here” is really the mission statement of their whole campaign. If we accept that, they won’t have to keep lying and denying blatently over the specifics.

Anyway Tbogg, it really is one of your best. Thanks.

Well played, sir. Christie says we all have to suffer. By all he means “you”. And what are his Galtian credentials? He shit-canned a badly needed second train tunnel to NYC (and raised commuter fees, thus ensuring that more high-income taxpayers leave the state).

Where did he invest those funds you say? Why, in two badly needed infrastructure projects in New Jersey; a Mega-mall and a new casino.

How are they doing you say? The casino is failing after four months, and the Mega-mall can’t attract private investors, so they raided the state treasury.

Because as everyone from NJ knows, we are simply desperate for new casinos and malls.

Maybe those posters I made up earlier this year won’t go to waste after all…I can just roll them out 4 years from now.

Fat Bastard ’16!

As Snarki said above, he’s the Overlard!

“It doesn’t matter how we got here”
Except for blaming President Obama for all they can. I don’t see much chance with this guy going further in politics(aside from lack of actual ability) because he is way to heavy to spin even the most basic talking point without having one foot in reality.

OK Yee Olde TeeVee has been tellin me for Months that Obama has been takin my hard earned disability pay and the taxes on my hard earned inheritance and just givin it free to lazy blah, blah Black people. But I haven’t really gotten teh flavor of what a Republican Utopia would look like.

Ahhhh there we have it, 400 hard workin pounds of jiggley white bombast Demandin RESPECT fer yur betters.

USA USA USA

I kept waiting for him to apologize for disrespecting the Bing his office by killing a stripper yelling at a teacher.

Roy Blount has just informed me that Mittens is the best man to be Presnent because when Missy Ann was sick, he went to the supermarket for ‘months’. I guess they had to choose between paying the doctor or keeping on the hired girl.

O-kay.

need i say that IT will be painless for that fat Fu@k and all his 1% compatrots

As a native New Jersian I was getting ready to complain about the stereotypical portrayal of NJ however, TBOGG, you nailed it in the last paragraph. lol

Christie’s presidential ambitions were launched last night and that gas filled balloon exploded last night as well. Oh, the humanity.

“Our problems are big and the solutions will not be painless,” he said. “We all must share in the sacrifice. Any leader that tells us differently is simply not telling the truth.”

When Jabba the Gov says “We all must share in the sacrifice,” of course he means most of us. Like, 99% of us. But not him.

FUCK Ya President Chris Christie in 2016.

Cause he pisses off the imaginary Libural in my head – the one and only litmus test for a True Conservative.

Shorter Gov Fat Dirty Bastard:

I’m living LARGE! Sucks to be you in the 99%.

Oh yes – Benny Quayle lost his primary race. Too much water, evidently.

I grew up in New Jersey, and still have friends and family there, so I know a thing or two about the state’s politics.

For the last 50 years, voters have been angry about high property taxes and the high cost of auto insurance. There is little a sitting governor can do about these, but the public eventually blames said governor anyway and votes him out of office.

Christie was elected despite being a mean, selfish jerk, not because of it. He got in because voters decided to throw Jon Corzine–a poster boy for crap Democratic candidates, by the way–out on his ass.

If Benny Quayle’s father wasn’t a former Vice President, his career path would top out at running the pro shop at a third-rate golf course in Mesa.

Yeah. I’m familiar with Jersey as well. Similar issues exist out here in Caleeefornia. The voters do the same tap dance exchange of so-called “D” governers with so-called “R” governors. CA is so huge that there’s little any governor can do, but duly noted how Gov Fat Dirty Bastard was quick off the mark to diss Gov Jerry Moonbeam Brown as a “retread.”

Not exactly thrilled with Brown, but sheesh! I’ll take him in a NY minute over Gov Jabba the Whale any day, much less that other predatory shithead Meg Whitman, whom Christie praised. Yeah, those 1%ers all scratch each other’s backs, that’s fo sho.

Andrew C. McCarthy and TBogg agree.

If someone had said the main speech would be an out-of-place exercise in autobiography and self-adulation that couldn’t have had more I’s in it if every other word had been Mississippi, you’d have figured we must be talking about the other guys’ convention, right?

Maybe if Governor Kristie Kreme had put people to work building that tunnel, NJ’s unemployment rate wouldn’t be one of the highest in the country. At 9.8%, it’s a full point-and-a-half higher (and rising) than the national rate of 8.3%. In he meantime, that shiny new casino has generated about half the jobs that Kristie promised. And at the rate it’s losing money, even those may not be around longer.

All the talk about 2016 hinges on Spanky winning re-election. If the Dems can find a decent candidate, that may not be the sure thing many people think it is.

With disgraced, losing, former politically powerful Russell Pierce!

In his speech, he told of how his father became successful by going to Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey, on the GI BILL. They just don’t do irony, do they?

BTW, first the title, then the pic gave me two welcome laughs. Chris Farley would have made a great Christie on SNL.

Damn, that is a brilliant title for a brilliant post. Wow!

The half-bright, ersatz Tony Soprano, New Jersey gangster schtick was getting really tired a long time ago. The simple fact is that Chris Christie is nothing more than a garden-variety schoolyard bully. However, given that the rubes continue to lap his shit up (and plenty of shit just like it), the party brass continue shoveling it out. (“Goddamn union-thug school teachers, always sucking on the gubnint tit…”)

A few black eyes and a bloody nose would send this fatshit nobody crying and waddling home to his mommie. “Waaah…They hit me, Mommie, sniff. Make me an extra-big sangwinch and get me my blankie, sniff…”

You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but Chris Christie is funny how, I mean funny like he’s a clown, he amuses you? He makes you laugh, He’s here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How is he funny?

Vast wasteland/vast waistband.

The Outlaw Jersey Whale

So TBogg, what are you going to do with all of the internets you’ve won this month?

(And kudos to the always tall-in-the-saddle Marion in Savannah for the seedling.)

I’m from New Jersey. Far from New Jersey. And that’s where I want to be. (Apologies to Terry Southern who wrote the dialogue for my favorite movie.) I do miss the Jersey pizza though. Doesn’t look like Jersey Whale is missing it though.

So TBogg, what are you going to do with all of the internets you’ve won this month?

Rumor has it he’s moving to a mansion in La Jolla and having an internet elevator installed in the garage.

The half-bright, ersatz Tony Soprano, New Jersey gangster schtick was getting really tired a long time ago.

“Schtick” is exactly right. A public Q&A without Christie petulantly telling-off some “idiot” would be like a Springsteen concert without “Born in the U.S.A.”

How is he funny?

Gee, apart from the way he thinks he sees young Robert DeNiro every day when he spends a half hour saying “You talkin’ to me?” in front of the mirror? Or his pathetic man-crush on Bruce Springsteen? Actually, I guess he’s less “funny” than “two pounds horseshit in one pound bag” to paraphrase Boris Badenov. I figure that’s the recipe for a ‘Parsippany Persauder’ (Mendham’s close enough to let that one slide, right?) rather than Boris’ original ‘Pottsylvania Persuader’.
I like the title of TB’s post, too – it’s especially ironic since Christie’s whole damn state is ‘endeavoring to persevere’.

Living in the great State of Garden, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, and I seem to be doing both. Amazing, T. I should point out that Gov. Postcardforbullies has had mob connections through ‘family’, not blood, from whom he ‘learned a lot.’ Uh-huh.

Also, he was Rove’s pick for USAtt., for what that’s worth, which he left saying that he would never even think of running for governor, it was the right thing to do. ???? So Palinesque.

There are people who orgasm over mean, selfish jerks but, yes, Corzine lost rather than Christie won. Corzine then went on to prove his bona fides with MF Global. I thought when I read about Corzine’s getting that job, “I wonder how long before the company blows up?” Must give him credit, such as it is, was faster than I had thought. And you know what? Democrats may give him the cold shoulder in public, but Jon and his money are probably still on the private party A list. Slightly before the MF Global implosion, Corzine was pimping for the Treasury job Geithner was rumored to be leaving: running his ignorant mouth about the wonderfulness of the Grand Bargain and let’s get it done!

Christie doesn’t have any credible Democratic opposition in NJ and will likely get a second term if he runs. I expect his light gov to get a term, as well.

Since it seems unlikely that Zombie Chris Farley can be reanimated to do it, there MUST be at least a few promising comedians with some girth who could do this guy – any folk familiar with the comedy club scene in the Garden State burgs, or do the promising ones all move to NYC?

A rip-off of Farley would be more than welcome, if done with suitable skill and sufficient abandon, as Farley himself would have done it (as an example from the living, Will Farrell throws away all self-consciousness in a similar fashion). It just seems this guy is a potential gold mine for struggling comedians who have the looks and instincts to pull it off.

How much will this guy weigh in four years?

“Our problems are big and the solutions will not be painless,”

That’s what his diet counsellor told him.

What? How could anyone resist that leap!

I swear to God, The Daily Show is surreptitiously getting its material from TBogg.

I figure that’s the recipe for a ‘Parsippany Persuader’ (Mendham’s close enough to let that one slide, right?) rather than Boris’ original ‘Pottsylvania Persuader’.

Geographically, Mr. T, only geographically. Parsippany is sprawly working-to-middle-class suburban, laced by highways, super- and not so super, chockablock with strip malls and with endless garden apartment complexes. It has parks and pretty parts, but lots of it couldn’t be called bucolic. Mendham is a different matter: exurban, wooded, secluded, Old WASP. The township probably hasn’t voted for a Democrat since Woodrow Wilson, if then. Christie lives there, let me hazard a guess, because to him it’s moving on up.

It’s interesting that he cultivates the cut rate Sopranos thing, when from his choice of zip code and of the private school he sends his kids to, he’d apparently like to put all that — he’s only Sicilian on his mom’s side anyway — way behind him. He was brought up in Livingston, which is rather like Parsippany. One can be a Parsippany or Livingston wise guy (some of the elder statesmen frequent outdoor tables at the coffee shop near our local Trader Joe’s), but it ain’t exactly the Bing.

“Eats well, doesn’t he?” seems to be as good a description of Christie as it was of the cat it was actually referring to.

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod…why didn’t I think of this sooner?

Chris Christie = Governor Cartman

If only he would say: “Screw you guys…I’m going home”. And then leave.

Too late to these comments to matter, but as a “Jersey girl” (the only phrase in New Jersey English where “Jersey” need not be preceded by “New” unless you’re talking from a NYC perspective, made national by NYC, e.g., Johnny Carson, born and raised in Nebraska — New Yorkers call it “Jersey,” but “real” New Jersey folks don’t drop the “New”):

“…the vast wasteland that is Jersey and turned into a fucking paradise on fucking earth.”

New Jersey is indeed a very beautiful and amazing place. It IS a fucking paradise on fucking earth, as it happens. The Christie’s have always been a wonderful part of it, so long as they were running a beer hall near Philadelphia or a ward in Newark or were mayoring Jersey City or Passaic. This is why NJ so long elected the Christine Todd Whitman class to be, well, like, a governor. NJ knew how to balance its act. Christie as governor is, well, terrifying — and probably won’t last.

Correction. To “Jersey girl” add “Jersey shore.” L&T Casey should check it out, from the Springsteen-celebrated honky-tonk most northern areas (Seaside Heights, Asbury Park) to the mid-areas (Long Beach Island, and for raw beauty, Island Beach State Park), to the more southern areas of the shore (which I don’t know well, except for the more dock-and-river areas like Tom’s River — a slant on the sea that maybe a Californian could really learn something new from — that river-sea thing is very special). (Oh, and there’s Atlantic City, south from my perspective yet I do know it, at least a million years ago — but that was then.)

Then there’s inland from the sea, like the Pine Barrens (not just mob burial grounds, folks!). Explore it! New Jersey is beautiful in land and river and sea and so rich in people! (No, I don’t work for the NJ CofC. Just grew up there.)

like the Pine Barrens

Not the Pine Barrens! Acres and acres of sandy, scrubby desolation frequented by The Jukes and Kallikaks and the Jersey Devil, where I hear that on moonlit nights in late October you can still hear the screams of the Hindenburg passengers as they plummet, blazing, from the sky (source of the frequent brushfires that keep the scrubby pinelands pure, no doubt).

(Actually, it’s pretty cool if you’re a biologist, but in the summer it’s pretty hot and itchy as the pine needles get down under your shirt.)