As you may heard from the LAMESTREAM MEDIA, Mitt Romney’s campaign has hit a few bumps/had a couple of setbacks/haven’t put their best foot forward as of late/is a ticking time bomb with only four seconds left on the counter and no one knows whether to cut the red wire or the green wire and WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE, MAN! I MEAN GAME OVER, MAN! as of late. This kind of thing happens all of the time in multimillion dollar high stakes national campaigns staffed by highly competent and professional people with years of experience in electing the leaders of tomorrow.

It is also happening at Romney HQ.

Now that conservatives are breaching the walls of Romney headquarters and then dragging the barely breathing body of the candidate down Main Street America to the jeers of ‘you people’, desperate measures are called for and, when desperation is called for and Jennifer Rubin is unavailable because she doesn’t roll on shabbas, we turn to Tucker Carlson’s outside of the house hobby where Yates Walker has just the man to turn this Romney campaign around just like Mitt Romney turned around the Mormon Olympics:

When a building is on fire, you call firemen. When your house is being robbed, you call the police. When the liberal press is mugging a conservative, you call Newt Gingrich.

There are many good reasons that Newt isn’t the Republican nominee, but give the man his due. Newt is a samurai warrior when it comes to putting the press in its place. Think about this one fact: For much of the 2012 GOP primary season, Newt didn’t have a campaign. He didn’t. His staff abandoned him. He didn’t have state offices. He didn’t kiss babies. He barely shook hands. He did almost zero retail politics, and yet he led in the polls for almost two months, won South Carolina, and almost stole the nomination. There’s only one way to do that: slay the opposition with sound bites.

Newt is a magnificent wordsmith. He has expert timing. He has an assassin’s sense of where his opponent is weakest. And — most needed in the Romney camp of all — Newt has a killer instinct. He goes for the jugular.

[...]

Whatever the issues with Team Romney, the messaging problem needs to be solved. It could be solved with one phone call: Mitt Romney to Newt Gingrich, street fighter, gunslinger, ninja master of the sound bite.

Newt Gingrich is also a picker, a grinner, a lover, and a sinner as well as a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker who has been known to get his loving on the run, by which we mean those blow jobs from Callista in the back seat of a car while Newt was still married to wife number six or seven.

But that’s all dry-humping under the bridge and we need to move forward so let’s go the Googleator and see what happens when we type in “Newt Gingrich on Romney“:

 

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