I have been considerably out of the loop as of late (what with the demands of my running-dog lackey capitalist real life) but I am pleased to see that the media have filled the yawning void that looms before  them following the conclusion of the presidential horse race election by getting all het up over  a semi-sexy tale of spies and the dames who want to bump uglies with them.

Married CIA Director General Saint David Howell Petraeus had an affair with a third-string Bond girl named Broadwell who goes all “hands off my adulterous love-machine with the mad oral skillz, bitch” to another woman who also has ladywood for a man in a uniform, prompting lady number two to give the bitchagrams to a friend in the FBI (who has incidentally has a boner on for lady number two) who in turn gives them to his superiors, and then subsequently refuses to butt out because he’s still hoping for some post-chivalry nookie, and then the whole thing blows up right after President Obama steals the election from Mitt Romney with the help of women, browns, blahs, gays, youngs, hip urbanites, Jews, Catholics and Nate Silver who is A Wizard, A True Star.

I think that covers it … except for:

  • Conservatives who think this is an elaborate conspiracy dating back several years to keep  Petraeus from testifying about the nothing-burger that is Benghazi which will be used to impeach that black guy who keeps stealing white America’s stuff.
  • Journalists who never liked Petraeus in the first place get to come out of the woodwork to remind us that “I TOLD YOU GUYS! I TOLD YOU GUYS HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! BUT NOOOOO, YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN, YOU DICKS. YOU ALL SUCK.”
  • Journalists who were taken in by Petraeus because he is a gentle and attentive lover with knee-melting bedroom eyes , an aw-shucks disarming grin, and the aforementioned mad oral skillz. Also guns and kevlar.
  • Journalists who would rather write about a sexysexysexy  spy “scandal” that will eventually add up to nothing, much like Solyndra and Fast & Furious, because it beats writing unread articles trying to explain to  Americans who can’t figure out a 15% tip in their heads, the budgetary implications of increasing the marginal tax rate on the top 1% and also: fucking carried interest, how does it work?

Let me know when everyone comes to their senses which should be like …. never.