Uteri aficionado and all-around ladies man Ross Douthat is fretting once again about the fact that women still aren’t cranking out babies like runamuck Pez dispensers, a topic Ross previously addressed when it came to his attention that the poors were throwing away perfectly good white babies when children in China rich white ladies on the Upper East Side were starving for some sweet baby love. Now it is not only the poors who are not doing their baby-pooping part but also the browns; a fact that dismays Ross to the same degree that it provides a glimmer of hope to the RNC that the white man will rise once again … just like the South is supposed to.

The plunge might be temporary. American fertility plummeted during the Great Depression, and more recent downturns have produced modest dips as well. This time, the birthrate has fallen fastest among foreign-born Americans, and particularly among Hispanics, who saw huge amounts of wealth evaporate with the housing bust. Many people may simply be postponing childbearing until better times return, and a few years of swift growth could produce a miniature baby boom.

But deeper forces than the financial crisis may keep American fertility rates depressed. Foreign-born birthrates will probably gradually recover from their current nadir, but with fertility in decline across Mexico and Latin America, it isn’t clear that the United States can continue to rely heavily on immigrant birthrates to help drive population growth.

In other words, we finally found some jobs that the Mexicans no longer want to steal from Americans. ¡Ay dios mio!

Whatever will we do? And by ‘we’ I mean us married people and not the sluts who are slutting around with their slutty no-consequence slut parts which is a total bonerkiller. Well it is for some people, I guess.

I mean, we can’t all subcontract this out to the Duggars and, Jeebus knows, the Romney’s are calling dibs on all of the surrogates for the foreseeable future now that they are at loose ends. So it looks like all able-bodied married white Americans are going to have to roll up their sleeves, grit their teeth, drop their trou and take one for the team (doggy style, barking optional) starting with Ross Douthat and Mrs Ross Douthat who, although they have been married since 2007, have only managed to hatch one (1) child in five years. Since Ross is more Catholic than the Pope, and twice as sanctimonious, we’ll have to assume that birth control has not been put in play in the Douthat Sexy Boudoir Of Many Positions, Both Of Them Missionary, meaning that Ross Douthat is the Motherfucking Rhythm-method Master but now it is time for him to skip a beat [insert your own joke here] for America.

So hop on it, Ross Douthat! Just explain to your wife that the math and the internet demands it.

Also, the barking is still optional….