Avoiding Scientology and Scientologists guarantees you won’t have any aliens living inside you. A lot cheaper, too.

I’m going to need a little time to decide whether or not the Scientologist is step down from McMegan.

Nautilized dinky thing.

Yeh, slap dick, in other words.

Mr. Cruise’s bad acting has done more damage to the planet than any old thetan.

Wasn’t The Atlantic going behind a pay wall to die? Why do we have to watch it’s death throes?

I had to look up “thetan”. Whack.

Tom Cruise is not Jack Reacher.

More like Jack Reacharound, amirite?

In Scientology doctrine, thetans are the alien life forms that inhabit humans and have destroyed the planet in the past.

So “Republicans” is not actually the correct term? Interesting …

L Ron Hubbard is laughing his dead ass off.

No doubt Mission Impossible XXXIV – Return of Tom will have a screenplay co-written by Miscavige and the ghost of Hubbard himself. Apparently, The Atlantic decided to score some free front row seats to the gala opening by blowing the producers ahead of time. Savvy move, that — I mean, what damage could it possibly do to their image and reputation?

Tom Cruise does all his own stunts.

How many times has he landed on his head?

No, he is not and I refuse to see the movie because of this travesty. For those not familiar with the books, Reacher is 6’5″, 240ish pounds, blondish, blue-eyed and would laugh his ass off (on the inside only) at Scientology and squish Tom Cruise like a bug. There’s my mini-rant as a secret fan . Apologies. Please proceed.

So…Dolph Lundgren?

Not even close. Smart, drifter dropout, ex-military police. Impossible to describe, really fun escapist reads even though they’re violent as hell, but almost in an operaptic way. Nowhere near Dolph Lundgren. And a gazillion miles from a whacked out closet case who sees little green men everywhere. Seems silly to even care, but it’s on the order of casting Sarah Palin as a brilliant paleontologist who solves mysteries through her knowledge of science and powers of deduction. Carry on.

I never got the whole “How can The Atlantic lower itself by publishing McCardle?”

When has TA been interesting? Jeffrey Goldberg is Jennifer Rubin lite. Ta-Nahesi is mildly interesting but also kind of ridiculous (“Hey guys! I just read a book and I’m studying French!). The rest — I dunno, Fallows is OK sometimes.

So why is shit like this at all surprising?

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Scatatologists never could take a joke.

The Atlantic will, no doubt, chicken out and shut off commenting on all “Sponsor content” in the future.

Jesus, get a grip. Wolverine is a 5’2″ Canadian in the comics, Alfred Hitccock’s wife looked nothing like Helen Mirren, and I doubt Joan D’ Arc was anywhere near as hot as Milla Jovovich.

On the other hand, Tom Cruise is a rich and famous movie star who bedded Nicole Kidman and makes film after film with Stephen Spielberg.

Anyone know where I can sign up for Xenu worship?

http://youtu.be/z1ttYoQ8W1E

Two part expose on Scientology from the Tampa Bay Times that ran locally this past Sunday-http://www.tampabay.com/news/scientology/article1270193.ece.

These people are some real ratfuckers.

Corrected:

Part 1

Part 2

Since two of the most recently created “religions” were founded by staggering drunks, L. Ron Hubbard and Joseph Smith, how is it that Foster Brooks never had a massive, spiritual following? Or myself, for that matter? Ahhh, the mysteries of the universe.

What’s so surprising about this? This is America, dammit! Founded by religious nutjobs and greedheads as a place where they can either become wildly wealthy with a minimum of effort, or make Demsure (as Inspector Kemp would say) that no other competing religion would be able to exist in competition. It should be no surprise that we have not one, but two(!) Real American whack-a-doodle religions explicitly founded to suck money from everybody for the benefit of the guys at the top. The Christianists are doing their best to keep up, what with the mega-churches and all, but they’ll never even come close to the free-wheeling, unabashed greed of LDS and Scientology and their mentor, the Roman Catholic Church. Owning your own newspaper or magazine is nice status symbol, but until you can afford to buy a big one (no Moony Times for our guys!), it’s great to be able to rent one that has a formerly respectable name. I bet LDS is going to rent the Washington “Post” when it’s their turn in the game. They’re not going to let the Alien-loving upstarts out-”classy” them.

John Sweeney on Ian Masters’ broadcast last week. (After the intro…)

Some years ago, I was accosted on the street by a Scientology conscript. I threw a few Scientology buzzwords at this individual, whereupon she quickly became visibly agitated. I remarked, “Careful, that’s reactive. You won’t get to blow L. Ron Hubbard.” She fucking snapped and her, um, handler quickly ushered her away from me. My overall takeaway was that I must be a very long way from being rendered “clear.” Needz moar Thetans (or some shit), I guess…

“How much does it cost to be made “clear?” “How much you got?”

Isn’t Callyfornia full of The Tans?

He’s not even 3/4 of Jack Reacher. Worst casting evah!

It’s not too late! Sign me up.

Thanks for sticking up for Jack Reacher. I’m another not-so-secret-any-more fan.

Go forth, my son, and be sober no more!

Tom Cruise is a rich and famous movie star who bedded Nicole Kidman

I agree with you that lil Tommy the Cruiser is rich & (in)famous. One can quibble about being a real “movie star” or not, but are you so sure about your *last* assertion??? I’m not. Just saying…

I never “got” the so-called “appeal” of Tom Cruise, and I’ve always felt that his rise to so-called “stardom” was due mainly (only??) to his symbiotic “membership” in L. Ron Hubbard’s gravy train called the “Church” of Scientology.

Cruise, for me, was “ok” in some of his earlier movies, but as he’s gotten older and waaaaay weirder and waaay more “run” by Miscavige (a really weird & scary dude, that one, but someone with far too much power, which has absolutely corrupted him), I’ve refused to go see any of Cruise’s movies. I don’t want my hard-earned ca$h going to support a very dysfunctional, oppressive and tyranical cult.

The best thing he ever did was his hilarious and spot-on cameo in Tropic Thunder as an obnoxious executive movie producer.

Seems there has been quite a bit of speculation whether or not Tom ever “bedded” Kidman – Tom’s ex Mimi Rogers said that he wouldn’t sleep with her because of some wacked-out Scientology belief. Both of them have had children with subsequent spouses, but when they were married they adopted kids rather than trying to have their own.

If they ever did the nasty, it’s probably a safe bet that they didn’t do it very much.

File under “things I have learned from People magazine at the salon.”

He was excellent as the misogynistic asshole in Magnolia, and pretty decent while showing that character’s terror of being “found out,” but turned AB. SO. LUTELY. TERRIBLE when the character was supposed to have been transformed into a feeling human being. I could hardly sit still for that last “crying” scene at Daddy’s bedside. Jeebus. Painful, squirm-inducing horribleness.

My favorite watch-the-clockwork, for-gaud’s-sake-CLOSE-YOUR-MOUTH! Technician actress (Julianne Moore) also drove me crazy in that one. Was she serious? Was she crazy? Was she crazy like a fox? What in the hell was she fking DOING? ….Although on second thought, maybe I should blame the director for not giving the audience any clue at any point what the character was really thinking or whether she was just playing people or not. Okay, understood she was a neurotic character, but when she played the same sort of thing (her forte, actually) in A Single Man we were allowed to “get” her and see her reality. I actually liked her in that, in spite of having the feeling she was just playing herself.

(End of yet another non-sequitur….)

Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher is a joke. I’ve read every one of the books and Tom isn’t even close. They might as well have picked Danny DeVito. I admit that I threw a hissy fit when I first read that – I love the Reacher stories. Will not be seeing this movie.

I hope that you’re not hating on Dolphie; his pre-action-movie resume is rather impressive.

As for Jack Reacher, after having read four or five of the books (they tend to run together), I decided that there’s only one real logical explanation for how he a) kept in such top shape and b) always managed to show up where some bad stuff was about to go down: he’s the result of a super-soldier program that relies heavily on Manchurian Candidate-esque posthypnotic suggestion. He’s basically programmed to keep himself in shape through body-weight exercises (Lee Child’s explanations of his physique–digging in-ground swimming pools by hand, plus drinking several gallons of water a day–are just embarrassing), and he’s given orders for where to go next to apply his singular skills via a cell phone hidden in his collapsible toothbrush, literally the only possession of his that he holds onto. It’s the only explanation that justifies why the army decommissioned him (the armed forces typically reduce numbers by reducing recruitment goals, not by “laying off” officers, especially hugely-talented ones with multiple decorations such as Reacher).

Joseph Smith probably wasn’t a drunkard, but he was almost certainly a conman. (Although there was something physical that he claimed was gold tablets.)

There’s been similar, if somewhat more “high brow,” articles in Vanity Fair that subtly speculate that Cruise doesn’t really connect much with the Lady bits with that being trumped as some Scientology hoo-hah (pun intended).

There’s loads of rumors & gossip that have circulated for decades around Southern California in general (where “Industry” gossip is rife) that lil Tommy the Cruiser was named because of his favorite activities in West Hollywood (not that there’s anything wrong with that, imo, but I guess Miscavige doesn’t like it or approve?? Or maybe L. Ron was a homophobe who said Thetans caused teh gheyz??).

There’s been much speculation about how Katie Holmes actually got in the family way with some talk about in vitro fertilization. Holmes’ dad, an attorney, was instrumental in crafting a pre-nup, as well as getting her “un-kidnapped” from the clutches of known-tortuere Micavige. Good luck to Holmes. I don’t think she’s a very good actress, but I sure wish her well.

I did enjoy reading that Ms. Holmes immediately returned to her childhood RC faith and enrolled her child in the nearest Catholic school. Sort of a big NYAH NYAH NYAH to the Scientology Boyz of Sumer.

Thirty Eight comments and nobody got to this this yet?

Tom Cruise still won’t come out of the closet!

Color me disappointed.

And now the Onion has piled on.

Read them both. Very difficult to tell which is satire.

Yes, and Dolph Lundgren may not be much of an actor (I personally don’t care), but he has two degrees in chemical engineering so “smart” would seem to be a reasonably accurate description.

Wow, who knew Dolph L.was that smart? Good on him. Too bad he’s such a bad actor.

As for Reacher being a totally unrealistic character, of course he is. But that’s why they’re fun reads. As far as bad stuff happening wherever he goes, Miss Marple couldn’t go to lunch without someone dropping dead. I’m not obsessed with this at all, even though it may sound like it, but Tom Cruise? Crazy! Continue.

Boing Boing had a good time shopping the photo.

I saw Jack Reacher last weekend, and thoroughly enjoyed it. That closeted religious nut sure makes some damn entertaining films.

I know zip about Scientology — so is that the unliked Miscavige in the pic then? He has some crazy iconography going there, I must say. Stargate pattern in background and all. Does anyone here read Hebrew, and if so, what does it say under those 2 circular seals? I can see it says something “of Israel” on the borders.

Tom Cruise was excellent in both “Fourth of July” and “War of the Worlds”, I think. If he’s serious about the thetans he may be delusional on some topics, but he wouldn’t be the first gifted creative type.

“Church of Scientology of Israel”

The Onion parody linked by Hatmandu @41 is truer to the original in terms of “tone”, while Origuy’s (@44) Boing-Boing link is (IMO) more fun.

Via the BB post, here’s a screen capture of the original taken before the latter was yanked. Unfortunately it doesn’t include the comments, which were – apparently, from comments seen elsewhere (e.g., here) – also controlled by Team Thetan, until the comments became so negative they were yanked entirely. The commenters at the BB made some effort to capture the comments in the original Atlantic advertorial. A few examples:

This is a great account of the great developments happening in the Church of the Old Ones today. More and more people are learning about the great benefits of the practical technology in Yog Soggoth – this is also a wonderful testament to religious freedom flourishing in the current era. Cthulu has certainly played an important role in bringing the Elder Gods to various geographical areas and making sure that interested people have access to it.

Cthulhu lowered the crime in my township, thanks to a one strike policy of being fed to the Old One.

I am so happy for the people living in eternal screaming pain in each one of the cities fortunate enough to have a Church of Dagon. Aside from the eldritch abominations available, the numerous social programs are truly something to be proud of. These programs bring together entities from all planes of existance and provide much needed community services. Congratulations to Mr.Cthulhu and to Dagonists around the globe helping to make the world a better place.

And while not along the same lines, but included just because it’s a personal favorite from there:

…By the way, if you think this $cientology advertorial will consume The Atlantic Magazine’s brand goodwill with ravening delight, you haven’t yet seen the damage wrought upon it over the past several years by the slushy gelatinous Great Old One known as Megan McArdle, spawn of the She-Goat Aynrand.

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn (link)

Aliens and Scientology, almost as much fun as Aliens and Cowboys. But gratuitously, the Scientology Alien Space Cathedral has been discovered. It is an underground base, Trementina Base, duh! what else would it be.

A spokesman for Scientology said the giant markings are merely the corporate logo of the Church of Spiritual Technology (CST) which are used to help pilots find the airstrip.

The Scientology website describes CST as ‘a California nonprofit religious corporation formed in 1982 to preserve and archive the Scientology scripture and so ensure its availability for all future generations’.

The spokesman said: ‘The facility in New Mexico is one of the archival storage sites containing preservation copies of Mr. Hubbard’s writings and lectures.

Perhaps, the Breitbartologists should create a similar Cathedral to preserve the legacy of Breitbart.

I heard the bad guys were only indirectly controlling the comments. Apparently the controls were in the hands of the Atlantic’s advertising staff. Who were clearly more worried about their advertising revenue than about their readers.

Wolverine? Wolverine’s origins are all over the place.

The whole thing about Reacher is that being a rough-hewn near-giant who looks like “a condom stuffed with walnuts” (as another character once describes him) is not just a physical description, it’s a key impetus for every plot. His size and appearance get him into trouble and his physical strength and smarts get him out of it. (For you Robert Parker fans, imagine mashing Spenser and Hawk into a single guy with Spenser’s skin tone, and you’ll get a handle on Reacher.)

Tom Cruise is about as much Jack Reacher as he is Hoss Cartwright.

Yeah, I think you’re right. Apologies for the confusion on my part (and the real story is already bad enough).

My only complaint about the film adaptation of Jack Reacher is that they completely cut Tom Bombadil from the story.

I had to look up “thetan”.

And I had to look up “nautilized.”

looks like “a condom stuffed with walnuts”

Molly Ivins described Arnold Schwarzenegger thus circa 2003 or so.

I don’t know the Jack Reacher oeuvre, so don’t know what to imagine as the lead character, but from comments here, I wonder if perhaps Gerard Depardieu might not be a good fit for it.

Now that Gerard is officially a Russian citizen, I hardly think so! But we can dream.

Molly Ivins was a treasure of the earth, nemmine the English language. Her passing characterizion of Phil Gramm: “Always busy, like an ants’ nest what’s been stepped on”.

Jim “Lee Child” Grant, the British author of the books, wanted to do a modern take on the knight errant — who, being that Grant read medieval literature at university, he met “at source” as he says — and he wanted him to be an American. Which leads to lots of unintentional humor, as he has Reacher say things like “double or quits” when an actual Yank would say “double or nothing”. There’s something about the sheer outrageousness of it all — think of the feats of Ogami Itto in Lone Wolf and Cub — that makes it almost epic in its way.

Hitchens used that phrase to describe Al Gore in 2000.