
Via Roy, we see that our old buddy John Hawkins (seen at the right being touched by a negro) is complaining that, because men aren’t engaging in fisticuffs or dueling at dawn like in the hairier days of yore, the wimmens want nothing to do with them anymore other than to briefly marry a dude, immediately turn around and divorce him, and then steal all his monies and power tools which they then use as a dowry to acquire a lesbian husband. Or the ungrateful sluts marry The Welfare because The Welfare never tells them to get their ass in the kitchen and fetch it a beer and make it a sammitch. One of those. Also, somehow the wimmins always end up with a passel of kids, but Hawkins doesn’t have an explanation for how that happens without men, although I’m sure he thinks there is a turkey baster that is ribbed for her pleasure involved.
Hawkins has couched his appeal for a New Masculinity in economic terms, but it seems to be more of a cry for help or at least an occasional tug-job after buying dinner, drinks, AND AN APPETIZER at TGIF’s:
….there are tens of millions of men who would have been desirable mates with good jobs, who took pride in providing for their families, whose value as men on the dating market has dropped precipitously. They’re no longer as valued; so if they get married, they’re not going to be the “king of the castle” they would have been 50 years ago. Moreover, divorce is now very common and the system is heavily slanted against men. The woman is much more likely to get custody of the kids, while the father is also likely to be hit with punitive child support payments, even if his former wife is doing better financially. While improved economic status has made a potential divorce much more attractive for women in bad marriages, it has paradoxically made marriage a much less attractive option for men overall.
A man who makes $20,000 a year still feels pressured to pick up the check on a date for a woman who makes $80,000, that is, if she’ll go out with him in the first place since he makes less money than her. Meanwhile, men who behave in a chivalrous fashion to women may find their behavior appreciated or denigrated, depending on the woman they’re opening a door or pulling a chair for. Once women had low expectations of men: Pay the bills, take care of the family, be nice. Now, women have much higher expectations, but from the man’s perspective, offer considerably less in return than past generations.
I started the dishwasher. Now where is my blow job?
Meanwhile, men are told that they have been given every advantage over women, just by virtue of their gender. Men are taught not to complain about such things. So they don’t, but most of them secretly think the idea that they’ve won life’s lottery by being born male is insane. Many men simply persevere and try to make the best of a bad situation. Others become bitter, angry, and misogynistic. Some men give up on long term relationships and treat women as sexual conquests.
Oh John, you wish…
However, many men have simply abandoned the old views of masculinity and adapted. Instead of competing, why not drop out of the rat race?
Whoa, ladies!
Sounds like John is threatening to take himself off of the market! And while his photo makes him look like a sweaty John Candy-looking motherfucker, according to his Twitter photo, he is quite the catch:

ROWR! Chunky Justin Beiber.
Line forms to the right. No shoving…




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When your “About the author” is over 300 words, you are really overcompensating for something. Hmmmm I wonder what Hawkins is overcompensating for by writing such a long, thick, heavily-veined, throbbing byline?
Way too much talk about manly men, all right. Yuck.
John’s pissed because his mother still teases him for not being able to see over the steering wheel.
“A man who makes $20,000 a year still feels pressured to pick up the check on a date for a woman who makes $80,000, that is, if she’ll go out with him in the first place . . .”
That’s a sticky (rice) wicket. Because it’s damp and soft.
http://littlemissattila.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/img_0434.jpg
I started the dishwasher. Where is my blow job?
Hey! That’s my line! Why it hasn’t worked in 40 years of marriage remains a mystery.
Seriously – that is the awesomenest.
I cannot imagine that there is, or ever has been, any woman so desperate that she would let Hawkins anywhere near her lady parts. Indeed I suspect that most would take out a restraining order if he came within 20 yards of them.
It’s too bad we can’t strap John Hawkins into a time machine and send him back 100 years to a time when Men were Men. Let’s give him some manly job like sharecropping, mining coal, or chopping up animals in a slaughterhouse. He wouldn’t have the time or energy to bleat about the feminization of society because he’s too busy figuring out how he and his family were going to eat.
TBogg, you have the best post titles and the best tag titles of any place on the Intertoobz. This one was a doozy! although I may need more brain bleach…. (BTW, do you have a list of tags? I can’t remember them all).
And go get me a coupla more 12-packs, too. I’m watchin’ ball this afternoon and I don’t wanna miss nothin’…
Yeah, John Hawkins is a real package, alright. Nor would I be at all surprised if he were one of the esteemed attendees at the 2013 CPAC Gala which occurs later this month. He’d fit right in. Maybe he’ll get lucky and he can start up the dishwasher for Princess Dumbass…
And looky! Contests for the Kidz!
John might be POed because he can’t see his johnson without a mirror.
Frank ‘n beans!
Working as a carpenter, like my great-grandfathers.
I think “man gravy” qualifies as my laugh of the month. Spouse is still rolling around on the floor. LHAO.
He probably lacks the patience, or the attention span, that carpentry requires.
A good plastic surgeon could take care of most of that.
I must defend the delightful J. Candy. John Candy was hot stuff compared to this guy. For one thing, he had a sense of humour. And charm. And money. (The only one of the three that Idiot Boy would understand.)
OT (though maybe not entirely so):
Mr. Hawkins is not the only one in Wingnutland who haz a sad:
And what has encouraged Mr. Balko to make popcorn? It concerns a certain crazed Islamophobic panda-eater, as the post linked by Balko explains:
Mr. Hawkins, I see opportunity here. But when she starts to unhinge her jaw, run like hell!
TammanyTiger writes: It’s too bad we can’t strap John Hawkins into a time machine and send him back 100 years to a time when Men were Men.
Only 100 years back? Screw that, he’s a real tough guy, so let’s send him back 1200 years to meet Charlemagne.
Book Salon up with Les Leopold’s How to Make a Million Dollars an Hour: Why Hedge Funds Get Away With Siphoning Off America’s Wealth hosted by Maureen Tkacik
It’s good to see he’s off the human growth hormones. The chicks needed a break…
I could carve a better man out of a banana.
Hey! In that picture of the emasculating lesbo bitches, why does the black lady have a mustache? Is she on hormones or something?
Pure gold. Please, John, do the women of the world a favor and let your libido go Galt on us all. Break that lovestick in half, and bury it for good. No, really.
By the way, didn’t McMegan use that same odd Chicago School approach to evaluating relationships: “Let’s see, I bring in $8K a month, but that useless trollop in the bed next to me brings in nothing at all — with compound interest I deserve *way* more sexy time than I’m gettin’ here…” Is that really what they mean by “family values” these days?
Let me translate Mr. Hawkins’ complaint:
“fucking stuck up bitches”
Oh God, not my power tools!!1!!!!one!!!!!!!!!!
John Hawkins; ladies, the sub-total package!! Get some Bitches!
Your second-word link at “Roy” is, as the techies say, AFU (all fucked up). Here is the real deal.
John Hawkins: a field marshal in Lenny Bruce’s “Great Army of the Unlaid.”
I’d suggest counseling for Hawkins — it worked well for me (long story) — but narcissists tend to not respond well to therapy, since everybody else is at fault… Especially all them uppity bitches who don’t know a good thing when they see it.
Does he have a goiter?
Hawt.
He’s so dreamy my pants are suddenly tight. And moist.
A man who makes $20,000 a year still feels pressured to pick up the check on a date for a woman who makes $80,000, that is, if she’ll go out with him in the first place since he makes less money than her, and does not even have a high school diploma – Hawkins neglected to add!!!
WTF? $20K is extreme poverty. $80K is not. A big NOT. Pic up a check for what where? Is this guy serious?
And: …many men have simply abandoned the old views of masculinity and adapted. Instead of competing, why not drop out of the rat race?
I just got another one of the Reich-wing emails today bitching about ‘the poors’ on welfare not working and living off the teat of the 53-percenters. How is what he is proposing any different?
Also, too: the Negro is not touching John.
At most, the Negro is touching John’s blazer. This is not a problem, because, as you may know, Pat Robertson has helped us come to understand that such contact may be rendered inconsequential, because you can always
“rebuke any spirits that might attach themselves to those clothes”.
Is Maggie Gallagher taken?
Well, dude, every decent tax break has a front load fee. Didn’t RMoney tell you that?
I don’t understand what that picture of Michael Steele displaying his catch on Okie Noodling has to do with the post.
John Hawkins writes: A man who makes $20,000 a year still feels pressured to pick up the check on a date for a woman who makes $80,000, that is, if she’ll go out with him in the first place since he makes less money than her.
So, not a relationship; more like a transaction. Christ.
Jeez, Hawk, gotta bring more to the table than a paycheck. Back in my musician days, my girlfriend picked up the check a lot of the time, because, well, I didn’t make much money and she did. For some reason, this did not cause a lot of friction in the relationship; probably because neither of us were shallow assholes.
For a shamelessly self-deprecatorily humorous explication of this sort of relationship, see this instructional video from the eighties by the Members, Working Girl. Are you singing along: Hey, hey, hey, I’m in love with a Working Girl!
Are you sure the white person in the foto is John Hawkins? That’s got to be a lesbian!
Whenever it comes to white guys complaining about “who has it worse?”, I usually borrow a concept from Louis C.K.
Imagine that your gender is a subscription, and ever year you either choose to re-up on ‘male’ or switch to ‘female’. Would there be any year in which you wouldn’t choose male?
As a male, I have just a couple thoughts -
Isn’t writing an article about how unmanly men have become sort of an unmanly profession to begin with? And, really it’s nothing more than ranting about the same male entitlement we all see – if I’m a male, 120 lbs over weight, and sweat like I’m in a sauna simply by walking 3 city blocks, on flat ground, somehow I’m still entitled to have a woman that looks like Christie Brinkley? Damn straight. None of these frumpy librarians or waitresses for me. Even if they find me the most attractive man alive. I’m just not interested. It’s all the fault of those snobby bitches why I don’t have a Barbie Benton look alike on my arm and in my bed.
On a different note, may I just say that I love the word ‘sammitch.’ In my humble opinion, ‘sammitch’ is not used often enough. This article reminded me I need to find ways to use it more often.
A guy making $20,000 a year is not doing a lot of dinner dating with mid-level manager chicks. Just sayin’. Unless he’s trying to score hisself a right nice gravy train.*
* Offensive statement on my part, yes? However, in John’s world simply reversing the genders makes this scenario not only A-OK, but into the perfect wingnut world he is pining for.
$20K is extreme poverty. $80K is not. A big NOT. Pic up a check for what where? Is this guy serious?
I think it’s like this – he has no idea how much money people make because he’s never had to worry about paying his own bills. Then, the 1958 article he cribbed this from had the salaries at $3000 and $10000, and just fiddled the numbers up without knowing how far to take it.
String, see my comment above at 36, and especially the vid reffed.
Mr. Hawkins’s opinions read like a not-cute, not-funny version of my latest favorite video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8pasAi28OI4
I bought my own power tools, thankyouverymuch Mr. Hawkins.
“Once women had low expectations of men: Pay the bills, take care of the family, be nice.”
Good fucking Lord, another would-be Nice Guy(TM). He lowered himself to pull back his woman’s chair, why won’t she put out?
“Some men give up on long term relationships and treat women as sexual conquests.”
And some men retire to their rooms and bleat out self-pitying drivel at nauseating length.
The right-wing has invested a lot of energy and a lot of ink in picturing itself as the home of truly masculine men, tough-minded sod-busting frontiersmen taking risks and making the hard decisions, not like those sissy liberals. It makes a certain sick sense, then, that a right-winger would lose his rag if he thought that his precious sense of surging virility was not being taken seriously.
Also it seems to me that the right-wing concept of sexual identity is a little bit like their concept of religious faith: both are supposedly mighty and powerful and yet the least thing threatens to send them reeling and tottering.
Geez, I thought women love jerks. At least my wife loves one.
Oh wait, John Hawkins is the one with self-esteem issues. He has more than he deserves.
Hard to believe he’s single. Like a friend of mine used to say, “He’d strike out in a two-dollar whore house.”
hell, I don’t have any ladyparts and I’m tempted to take out a restraining order against him, just in case….
For the last four years, Pamela Geller of AtlasShrugs.com and the American Freedom Defense Initiative have held events at CPAC…
Instead, her protege Anders Breivik will appear via video feed from jail in Norway.
Is the rest of that video as bad as the first 20 seconds?
Don’t forget nipples. Watch out as you may find yourself on his dance card.
Wow, I made the mistake of following the link and reading the whole column. He’s paid to write this drivel?
One of my long-time favorite stupid jokes has a filthy, ragged, homeless guy tromping about in a dumpster, looking for food, clothes, whatever.
He looks up and notices a knock-out gorgeous woman walking down the sidewalk.
He whistles and wolf-calls to her. She speeds up.
As she scurries out of range, the guy in the dumpster calls out to her: Hey bitch, whatsa matter? Not good enough for ya?
Fucking Michael Steele. Comma placement is optional
Think of all the PJMedia staff who are consumed with envy at finding that Hawkins brings home a cool 20K per annum.
OT (and not humorous):
Here’s a harrowing inside account of how Federal prosecutors came after Aaron Swartz. It was written by Quinn Norton, who was Swartz’s lover at the time.
A lead-in Editor’s Note by Alex Madrigal provides some preliminary background.
Ugly, ugly stuff. Such prosecutorial overreach is nothing new (example: Bradley Manning, on the military side), and happens a lot more than is widely known. But such a detailed insider’s account from a victim (IMO) of prosecutorial overreach isn’t so common.
Even when accompanied by the explanatory note from Alexis Madrigal, this is a rambling and incoherent mess of a document, and it sounds as if Quinn is still doing a lot of Vicodin; she seems to be having trouble collecting her wits.
I’m sorry for her loss, and were I the Atlantic editorial staff, I don’t think I would have published this, for that reason. It is more exploitative of her confused grief than illuminative of the case of Aaron Swartz, and frankly, makes me feel a bit dirty for having read it.
I thought it read fine, but I’ve been following it relatively closely, so maybe that made it easier for me. In any event, we’ll have to agree to disagree on the clarity of writing.
Beyond that, yeah there’s plenty of grief still going on there, but it was something Ms. Norton wanted to do, perhaps in part because she (and others who are writing now) want to retain some control over the narrative, especially regarding how Swartz is remembered. When Noam Scheiber at TNR wrote about Swartz, a number of the folks who were closest to Swartz were not happy campers,* feeling that Scheiber didn’t “get” Swartz (*see twitter exchanges here, here, here, and here). Now all that made ME feel a bit dirty, though other than his impropriety on reporting on Len Sassaman’s suicide without first contacting the wife LS left behind, I’m still not sure Scheiber committed any major journalistic transgressions; sometimes it’s just a dirty business.
In any event, especially after the TNR article, as well as accusations being made against her in various forums, I could understand why Norton might feel the need to force herself to write something through her pain and grief. In the absence of the media maelstrom that occurred upon Swartz’s suicide, she might have put this off.
It’s a mighty fucked up situation.
I was giving the Federal prosecution some residual benefit of the doubt before reading Norton’s account, but it looks like they did a real FIRE-READY-AIM screwing of the pooch, by back-filling the filing of felony charges AFTER the arrest. They were floundering in coming up with justification for the felonies until Norton accidentally handed them something. I suspect she’ll carry some measure of guilt about that to her grave.
Hundred of people get railroaded by prosecutors and DAs every day, so much so that most of us more fortunate folks don’t give it a second thought. This article demonstrated – eloquently I think (though like Chris, YMMV) – just what kind of destruction can take place to lives of those who get hammered by vastly disproportionate force by the System.
P.S. – Another article just came out on the Swartz aftermath in The New Yorker. He’s still quite the media hit…
Way my daddy raised me, a man don’t allow himself to grow no more than 3 or 4 chins before he has to turn in his man card and give up recreational fistfights for good.
No way can he perform sweet lovemaking on a lady when those flaps are going to get in the way, even pulling down 6 or 7 figures a year.
Thanks for the New Yorker link. It’s a profoundly well written piece about a profoundly tragic and I believe, a doomed person, and I’ll be re-reading it often in the future– when future Aarons come to pass. I am an anthropologist at heart after all (as apparently was poor Aaron as well, I note).
You seem to believe that the gummint hung Aaron, which I strongly disagree with. Yes, prosecutors can be like a terrier with a sock waved in their face, they will not let go, but that is the nature of prosecution after all, to be tenacious. See “Hamilton Burger.”
But like Bradley Manning, Aaron had a whole load of other shit breaking him down, and principal among these was his impatience with a world that simply wouldn’t smart up enough. That’s fatal, I’m afraid.
Look, Meep, we probably oughta knock this off, since it is so OT, but have the last word if you like. I’ll shut up now.
Yeah, I’ll let this go, except to note that tenaciousness is a necessary but not sufficient condition for a good officer of the court. If the bar were set that low, we’d all be praising Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Say what you will about that guy, he has tenaciousness in spades. And those LEOs featured in Radley Balko’s literary Hall of Horrors over at HuffPo look like a pretty tenacious lot as well. I wish we did have fictional Perry Mason dude in every legal jurisdiction, but we are not so lucky.
I did blame the Boston DA’s office for Swartz’s suicide early on, but was quickly corrected on that score by folks who have personally been through this awful experience in the past, especially the post by UC-Berkeley biologist Michael Eisen, who discussed the suicide of his NIH-scientist father years ago. Basically, it is as you say in your third paragraph – like Eisen’s father, Swartz was just too fragile for the world around him. [By the way, both Swartz's girlfriend, and the girlfriend before that (Norton), agreed with Eisen's post.]
Having said that, I’ll agree with something else Eisen said:
self-awareness is not Hawkin’s strong suit, is it?
Just wait until Hawkins realizes there are nude photos of Ashley Judd on the web. That’ll definitely take him off the market…if you know what I mean.
And rather than leave you with that lovely image in your head, I’ll be back shortly with the brain bleach.
318 comments at Roy’s… that’ll keep me busy this evening.
However, lying via cartoons/avatars is something he is extremely goo at. Comparing that photo with the Twitter pic is something that should make every internet dating site user shiver in fear.
God DAMN it! Roy’s new commenting system hates me and does not allow me to even SEE the fucking comments, snottily telling me ‘there is nothing for you here right now’. I love Roy’s place and I’m missing half of the fun because DISCUS SUCKS and I am apparently an internet idiot who can’t figure out how to get on its good side (if it has one, which I strongly doubt).
Holee shit, forget the evening, I didn’t last ten minutes. It devolved into a troll-spat, and I’m not wading through it for the meat. May as well hit the front page here.
Agreed. The John Candy reference was way off base.
Hawkins seems like a Frank Luntz-clone with more girth and fewer brain cells. (Two, compared to Luntz’s three.)
I fully respect tbogg’s decision to blog less.
But for FSM’s sake, please put something up. If I have to see Hawkins’s wattle and read the words “man gravy” one more time, I might swallow a bullet.
Here’s something to tide you over:
http://my.firedoglake.com/phoenix/2013/03/04/who-fed-the-daily-caller-the-now-debunked-menendez-smear-place-yer-bets/
These wingnut welfare gravy train males all have the same whining vetch about the vagina-challenged. It seems like about once a quarter one of ‘em steps up to fling poo at teh wimminz who is all turnin’ feminazi lesbo because they don’t wanna do the dirty with these Pillsbury Doughboys who are so “nice.” I know that Ross – aka Chunky Resse Witherspoon – has often whined in a similar fashion.
They all need to stop fapping to Ayn Rand; realize that THEY are NOT Howard Roark; and anyway, that fantasy isn’t even sexy, much less realitic.
No self-reflection happening on the wingnut welfare gravy train. Too much time spent reflecting on what El Lusbo bellows at them and what Billo loofa’s out. Bleah.
Shorter John Hawkins: When it comes to men, women shouldn’t be allowed to have standards that would exclude him.
IOW: Do not ignore the man gravy train!