First runner-up in last year’s So You Want To Be The President teevee show, Mitt Romney was invited to a small college so obscure that even Sarah Palin didn’t go there (Which colleges did you attend? All of them, Katie) where he told the soon-to-be unemployed now-adults that they should go out into the world and start fucking like Rush Limbaugh in a Dominican boys orphanage with a pocketful of Viagra.
He wove his speech around a quote from Jesus in the New Testament — “Launch out into the deep, and let down your nets” — which he interpreted to mean that one should live a deep, meaningful life, not a shallow one.
How do you do that? Well, getting married is one way of launching into the deep. I’m so glad I found Ann when I was still so young. … Some people could get married but choose to take more time, they say, for themselves. Others plan to wait until they’re well into their 30s or 40s before they think about getting married. They’re going to miss so much of living, I’m afraid. …
Now, bringing children into the world is also launching into the deep. I had friends who weren’t sure they were going to have kids. They told me they were going to buy a dog first to see how that went. A dog!
For those not up on today’s hep seduction slang, “launching into the deep” is Mormon Barry White (or Adele) talk for butt sex (we think) which is what good Mormon girls already do because of The Virginity. But now Mitt says they should put away foolish childhood things (coughfreshmanthroughjunioryyearlesbianexperimentationcough) and starting pooping out babies like a Michelle Duggar vagina-shaped Pez dispenser, probably because Mitt has five strapping young boys who need more breeding mates (famous Mormon musical: Seven Brides Apiece For Five Brothers).
So hop on “it” ladies! You didn’t go to that phoney-baloney Mormon college for that Mrs. degree for nothing.