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May 03, 2009

Dance 10, Looks 3, Boobs 2

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Tits and ass!
Had the bingo-bongos done.
Suddenly I’m getting national tours!
Tits and ass won’t get you jobs
Unless they’re yours.

-Dance 10, Looks 3 – A Chorus Line

It would seem that Carrie Prejean, who finds gay marriage slightly less natural than having saline sacks inserted into your chestal area, is going to be with us for awhile as the poster girl for not-opposite marriage and I guess we shouldn’t be too hard on her. After all, when opportunity knocked (or knockered in her case) she grasped it to her augmentaions with her Lee Press-on’s because when you come in second in the Miss USA pageant, the next stop is car show model, Nordstrom perfume counter work, or trophy wife and that way lies madness and a series of infidelities to be scheduled later.

Let’s back up a bit.

According to Prejean’s multiple television interviews, when she heard Perez Hilton’s question regarding gay marriage, her mind went into a moral/ethical/theological calculus at warp speed where she weighed the pros and cons of "opposite" marriage, the impact it would have on her career and future earnings, and at the very same time she had  a chat with God in her head because the Miss USA pageant doesn’t allow  you to use a lifeline call a friend even if He is the Creator of All That Is.

And in that brief two seconds she decided to throw it all away for a second-place sash, the home game,  and a future of couldas, shouldas, and wouldas for her faith. I’m not buying it. Watching the video, I don’t think she could figure out a ten percent tip at Applebees in the time allotted.

Look, she could have finessed it but she didn’t.  According to a former beauty pageant contestant whom I happen to be married to, you’re taught to stick to platitudes. Keep it vague, keep smiling. Never stop smiling even if you’re talking about damp and shivering baby duckies who are starving in third world countries When everybody is staring at your gown puppies, they’re not really listening to your monologue on Platonic epistemology. If you can stop yourself from talking about The Iraq, you’re halfway home to Tiara Town. 

Now Prejean’s future is tied to Maggie Gallagher ( a fresh hell if there ever was one) and, to be honest, she’s not very good at the gibberish that Maggie spouts. Michael Stetz:

If Prejean were really committed to defending traditional marriage, wouldn’t we have seen her take a stand, say, during the Proposition 8 battle in her own state last year?

Believe me, I would have remembered seeing her when I helped cover that slug-fest of a campaign as a reporter. Who wouldn’t? Have you seen her pictures?

Wait, let me check the pictures again. Nope. I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.

Jim Garlow, the pastor of Skyline Church, was a major force in getting the proposition banning same-sex marriages narrowly approved. Him, I remember. Miles McPherson, pastor of the Rock Church in Point Loma, was another big player in the Proposition 8 fight. I remember him, too.

But Prejean? Nope.

She sure is making up for lost time, though. She spoke at McPherson’s church a week ago. She sounded well-prepared. One quote: “I learned that God has a bigger crown than any man can give you.”

She didn’t sound as prepared during an appearance on Fox News’ “On The Record” with Greta Van Susteren on Thursday. Prejean was asked what she thought of civil unions.

Prejean: “My thought on civil unions? You know what, Greta? I don’t have the answers to everything. I’m not running for political office. I don’t have the answers to everything, you know, in the world out there.”

If that sounds suspiciously like Joe The Plumber when he suddenly had to explain himself on taxes, Gaza, or card check after the conservative noise machine decided to make him their pin-up boy, you’re not alone.

He’s just a boob of another kind.


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