America invaded by ranch-stealing drug-dealing chupacabras
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Tea Baggers and Minutemen and other members of the America’s defense against surly busboys and kindly abuelitas have got their britches in a bunch because some nitwit San Diego housewife who thinks she’s Orianna Fallaci wrote in one of those fake online newspapers that Texas has been invaded and is being taken over Mexirican drug gangbanger goat-vampires.
Normally, most non-Texan Americans would be all , “Meh. Let them have it. Except for Austin. Or fucking secede already. Whatever” but Kimberly Dvorak is very adamant, you guys. This is serious:
In what could be deemed an act of war against the sovereign borders of the United States, Mexican drug cartels have seized control of at least two American ranches inside the U.S. territory near Laredo, Texas.
Two sources inside the Laredo Police Department confirmed the incident is unfolding and they would continue to coordinate with U.S. Border Patrol today. “We consider this an act of war,” said one police officer on the ground near the scene. There is a news blackout of this incident at this time and the sources inside Laredo PD spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Word broke late last night that Laredo police have requested help from the federal government regarding the incursion by the Los Zetas. It appears that the ranch owners have escaped without incident but their ranches remain in the hands of the blood thirsty cartels.
Save us, Machete!
Oh. Wait. Yeah, probably not him.
But is this thing true, this invasion thing? Well, Gun Counter Gomer who sees a muslim in every over-turned barbecue is kind of unconvinced.
My curiosity got the better of me, and so I called the Laredo Police Department, and had a delightful chat with the acting watch commander, Sgt. Perez.
Sgt. Perez informed me that I was her seventh caller about this claim since she came on duty this afternoon. She stipulated two things that blows holes in the invasion claim.
1. The location of the alleged invasion is outside of their city-limits jurisdiction, so they would not be involved, and;
2. while they would not be involved in any law enforcement response outside of their jurisdiction, they work closely with the county sheriff’s office and would know if such an event is occurring.
The deputy that(sic) answered the phone there was less bemused, having also dealt with this rumor multiple times in a short amount of time. She also told me that there was no invasion and no law enforcement siege, and that deputies were continuing normal operations.
Which means that THE LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICES HAVE BEEN TAKEN OVER TOO!!! C’mon. Her name was “Perez”. Hellooo?
Fortunately there are other Real Patriots who are not as easily duped as Gomer (hard to believe, I know) and they’ve got a little convoy, rockin’ through the night. Yeah, they’ve got a little convoy, ain’t she a beautiful sight?
This will either end tragically. Or hilariously.
Probably a little of both. Mas o menos…