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November 20, 2012

You’ll Get Pie Delivered From The Sky When The Pizza Employee Dies

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Many of you may remember way back in the summer of ’12, when the CEO of deep-fried diabetes factory Chick-fil-A came out against homo marriage (thereby conceding a shitload of wedding catering business to Arbys) and intolerant libtards were all, “We’re totally going to boycott your greasy slabs of chicken genocide which we never ate in the first place because meat is murder”. This, in turn, enraged conservative Christians and Fox TV viewers causing those who were ambulatory or whose hoverounds had fully charged batteries to stage a Chick-fil-A gorge-in where they all showed up on one special day to shovel massive mounds of artery-clogging fried foods into their gaping maws to show the world that they would rather die than have something gay shoved down their throats. The end result was a massive turnout causing gay homosexuals to became as scarce as GOP Senators who have served in the military, by which I mean John McCain, or if you want both: Lindsey Graham.

But wait, there’s more…

During the run-up to President Gift Giving African’s latest stolen election, chemical face-peel victim and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza, the very Italian sounding John Schnatter, said that he hate-hate-hated Obamacare, and that the idea of having to provide healthcare benefits to his stupid employees made him sicker than most of his employees, particularly the ones who supply him with one of Papa John’s freshest ingredients (hint: it’s mucus, such as found on the popular Papa John’s Linguiça & Lunger Deep Petri Dish Artisanal Pizza). Schnatter said he would have to raise the price of his pizzas a whole 14 cents because of the socialism, although actually it’s only about five cents, but that doesn’t make it any less communist. Also Schnatter said he would cut his employees hours so they wouldn’t qualify for benefits but mainly because he is a dick. Now liberals are once again threatening a boycott and conservatives are once again coming to the rescue with #IStandWithPapaJohn’s day which happens to be this Friday following Thanksgiving, which makes perfect sense because it is the one day when all of America stands there looking in the refrigerator saying, to no one in particular, “There’s nothing to eat”.

So please remember to order your Papa John’s pizza right after you get home from America’s Black Friday Ritual Stomping of Some Random Person To Death At A Wal-Mart because you really need that $199 flatscreen for the bathroom so that you won’t miss a moment of the hilarious Two And A Half Men while you’re pooping.

And, for a limited time only, just tell the Papa John’s employee on the phone that you support John Schnatter and that your deepest hope is that the employee never gets adequate healthcare, and you’ll not only get free delivery, but a little something extra on your pizza.

Hint: It’s lunger-ific…

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