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December 07, 2012

Dick Cheney Healthy Enough To Resume Multi-State Killing Spree

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Remorseless killer-robot Dick “Dick” Cheney wants everyone to know that he is tanned, rested, and ready to resume the indiscriminate killing of all creatures great and small:

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, on the heart transplant list for nearly two years before receiving his new ticker in March, tells us that “I feel great,” and that he has returned to a vigorous schedule of writing, hunting, fishing and even cross-country driving.

[...]

At an event in Washington earlier this week, he described how good he feels. For proof, he revealed that he has gone on at least three recent bird hunting trips. He’s also returned to fly fishing in rivers.

“My dad is doing great,” daughter Liz Cheney told Secrets. “He wakes up every morning grateful beyond words for the gift of his new heart.”

You may remember that the former Vice President was being kept alive using the latest in aquarium pump technology until a suitable heart could be found since Mr. Cheney’s case presented the rare risk of not only his body rejecting the heart, but the possibility of the organ rejecting its new home. Fortunately in mid-March a heart from a perfectly-matched donor became available and a team of surgeons were able to implant the still pulsing organ into the blackened and scorched cavity that is the Vice Presidents chest, beneath a blood-red moon at midnight while members of the Cheney clan knelt in a circle around the stone altar and chanted praise to The Dark Lord for not calling His Son home.

Afterwards there was pound cake and coffee. Decaf, because it was late.

Now Cheney is up and around, back doing the things he loves, like tracking and face-shooting  the white-tufted hunting companion, and he is looking forward to driving cross country for the holidays with his daughter Liz, picking up the occasional stray hitchhiker who will later be skinned alive in his underground Wyoming ranch dungeon because Lynne asked for a new robe for Christmas.

A Christmas memory to last a lifetime. Maybe two, depending upon when Joseph Kony’s heart becomes available…


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