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February 07, 2013

One Million Moms Are Pretty Fucking Tired Of Your Filthy Fucking Mouth

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One Million Moms (which is not really one million moms but instead is a mailing list of a few thousand Jesus ladies who take time out from reading 50 Shades of Grey while sitting on their warm and vibrate-y running dryers to write occasional emails to various corporations accusing them of making lesbians of us all or promoting hot walrus sex) is very upset with CBS for ruining a perfectly lovely evening of watching large men gang-slamming their hot sweaty muscular bodies against each in an orgy of manhood and kick-ass city bragging rights and Jesus.

Are they taking about that hootchie-momma Beyoncé, who should put on a nice mid-calf length dress and maybe some sensible flats and stop strutting and stomping around like a Godless-whore strumpet, because she IS A MOTHER, FER G-WD’S SAKE? Not this time, because, were it not for visions of Beyoncé booty-dancing in their heads, One Million Dads would be unable to achieve a Godly boner when presented with the Weekly Saturday Night Flannel Nightgown of Seduction, Unsatisfactory Sex, Unrequited Needs, and Shame.

No, the One Mil Moms are email-fucking CBS because they failed to stop Joe Flacco (the one player on the Ravens whom we are pretty sure has never murdered anyone… yet) from dropping an “f-bomb” on TV and now, ever since Sunday night, every time mommy catches 6-year old Tiffany Elizabeth Grace Katniss Bella Rose playing in mommy’s make-up, the adorable little tow-headed moppet just snarls “Mind your own fucking business, you stupid drunken twat” and now she will probably grow up to be a meth-addicted stripper who dresses like a total whore and has buttsex with an endless series of black men until one day she wakes up and realizes that not only does she have seven kids by seven different men, but also that she has just been elected governor of Alaska.

So, nice going CBS, you fucking assholes…

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