A Hucka-Hucka Hatin’ Huck

Come listen to a story ’bout a man named Mike

Having cultivated the Yahoo Wing of the party all these years (back when it was still called the Southern Strategy), the Republican Establishmentarians are suddenly white-faced (well, whiter than usual) with fear at the prospect that the Snopes Family Huckabees, those snake-handling red-necked cracker croakers, are thinking about loading up the truck … gonna move to the DC.

Beltway that is.

K Street bribes.

Trophy wives.

This, of course, cannot stand, so the Republicans have unleashed the Purse Dogs of Vituperation:

Hey, Huck, welcome to the show. Stop whining and face the music. You’re not just a warm up act anymore. People want to know what you think. Everyone wants a real opinion from you. Some substance. It’s not like being a preacher, or a local politician. These people, they have cameras and voice recorders. They listen to the words.They assume a correlation with your likely actions in reality. They aren’t gonna give you a break because, you know, it came out a little wrong. Because, Huck, what the President of the United States says — about weirdo religions that believe odd things, (how about those Wahabis? Hindus? Kinda makes the Mormons look like, well, Christians.) or taxes, or college tuition breaks for the children of illegal immigrants — those comments can start wars, move markets, or encourage more illegals to move here. This is serious. You’re not in Little Rock anymore. It’s hard Huck, when your decisions matter.

Like back home, you were just trying to be nice to that castrated guy who had raped a few women. He had served some time. Why couldn’t they forgive him? You could. You have a good heart. Lots of Christian love. So you pardoned him. And what did he do then, Huck?

What if you make a call like that on Iran, Huck? Or Iraq? Or Osama? Or some guy from China who is very civil and polite at the State dinner, and has a little plan for dominating Asia? Everything that happens, Huck, all those reporters are going to want you to say something, everywhere you go, 24/7. And lots of people will act based on what you say. And not all of them have lots of love in their heart, Huck.

That bait shop on the lake — it’s looking good. You’ll be surrounded by nice neighbors, real Christians, and you can be the smartest guy in the room. You can go out running every morning. Remember Huck — Jesus wouldn’t be dumb enough to go into politics.You were right on that one. Maybe it’s not what he wants from you either.

If this suddenly reminds you of Randy Newman singing:

Last night I saw Lester Maddox on a TV show
With some smart-ass New York Jew
And the Jew laughed at Lester Maddox
And the audience laughed at Lester Maddox too

Well, welcome to the club.

Remember: Republicans like their southerners from Kennebunkport, their gays closeted, and their women the way they like their coffee. With fake boobs.