Outro…

…and that’s a wrap.

Okay, play the Love Theme from TBogg and roll credits.

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With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe I’ll find myself a new place
I don’t want to be the bad guy
I don’t want do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to see some palm trees
I will try and shake away this disease

We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die

-Alexakias, Montoya, Ecklund

Adios, y’all…

How Can I Live Without You

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Although there will be a few mini-posts this evening before I shuffle off to Buffalo (fat chance of that ever happening) I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their continued readership, lovely emails, comments, gifts, and tax-deductible contributions to establish the Totally Awesome Museum of Shakira Animated GIF’s (gift shop opening soon!) over these last thirteen years. Also, thanks to the wonderful folks here at Good Ship FDL for having me aboard.

You’re all swell and if I was Oprah I’d give you all Mini Coopers or take you bowling and then to Denny’s for a Super Bird because that seems like the kind of thing that Oprah would do. But I am not Oprah, so you just have my gratitude instead which I am led to believe will get you free coffee refills at Denny’s, so there is that.

You’re going to be OKAY.  You will GET THROUGH THIS. Just remember these few things:

  • If Ross Douthat offers some vague promise of respect if you’ll just hand over the keys to your vagina… don’t do it. It’s a trap and he’ll only end up calling you a whore and fat in his next book: Fat Whores I Wouldn’t Fuck With Your Dick No Matter How Much They Look Like A Celebrity: A Journey Of Faith
  • McMegan will write something about public policy that will be completely wrong because she will be “unconvinced” due to the fact that the numbers fail to translate into cups, tablespoons, pinches, pounds, and liters … and also because she is paid to be wrong. But even if she weren’t paid to be wrong she’d still get it wrong.
  • Someone will continue to fund Breitbart.com because it is better than having their staff wandering the streets screaming “STOP RAPING PEOPLE!” at symbols of government over-reach like, for example, mailboxes.
  • Andrew Breitbart will remain dead.
  • Always apply the 24-Hour Rule to every overly-hyped story whether it is revelations about the NSA or the IRS, or news about a spontaneously combusting baby …  although that one seems for real.
  • Lastly, we call them ‘libertarians” because ‘sociopath’ is such an ugly word.

There … that ought to hold you until The Rapture or until I return, whichever comes first …

A Gaggle of Geese, A Scrotum of Teabaggers – A Treasury Of Shit I Wrote

Since things are winding down here because I am leaving to find inner peace and outer tan-ness, I’d thought I’d put up a few links to some of the more popular posts I have done over the years.  I mean, it beats writing new stuff.

So …. in no particular order:

Flowers For Goldberg

Five Not For Fighting

Your Mumia Sweatshirt Won’t get You Into Heaven Anymore

Internet Man Does Not Want To Be On The Google Anymore

Bristol Palin’s Airing Of Grievances

Tar-Baby (this was about Fox News attempt to link Obama to Rev. Wright. It was also the hardest thing I’ve ever written, taking me almost two hours to complete. TWO WHOLE HOURS.)

Worst Penthouse Letter To The Editor Ever

Hello, I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going.

Let’s Get Drunk With Ann Romney – The Drinkening

Pie In The Sky When You Die

I Got Dem Ol’ Fin de Siècle Blues Again, Mama

There are, of course, many other posts – 13,190 others to be exact – containing such memorable characters as The Virgin Ben, America’s Worst Mother™ (and her brood, Gunwale, Miasma, Cara Pace, and ? ), Gun Counter Gomer, Princess Jesus Boobies, The Stupidest Man on the Internet, JonJon Romney, Dead Andrew Breitbart and his cast of Otherwise Unemployables, and Juicebox Jesus, as well as old standbys like the Ole Perfesser, Godlestein, McMegan, Our Lady Of the Magical Dolphins, Caribou Barbie, Professor Winebox, Bill “Bag O’ Salted Dicks” Kristol,  this gaseous over-rated idiot, and who can ever forget Earthbound Misfit, Her: (more…)

A Gaggle of Geese, A Scrotum of Teabaggers – A Treasury Of Shit I Wrote

Since things are winding down here because I am leaving to find inner peace and outer tan-ness, I’d thought I’d put up a few links to some of the more popular posts I have done over the years.  I mean, it beats writing new stuff.

So …. in no particular order:

Flowers For Goldberg

Five Not For Fighting

Your Mumia Sweatshirt Won’t get You Into Heaven Anymore

Internet Man Does Not Want To Be On The Google Anymore

Bristol Palin’s Airing Of Grievances

Tar-Baby (this was about Fox News attempt to link Obama to Rev. Wright. It was also the hardest thing I’ve ever written, taking me almost two hours to complete. TWO WHOLE HOURS.)

Worst Penthouse Letter To The Editor Ever

Hello, I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going.

Let’s Get Drunk With Ann Romney – The Drinkening

Pie In The Sky When You Die

I Got Dem Ol’ Fin de Siècle Blues Again, Mama

There are, of course, many other posts – 13,190 others to be exact – containing such memorable characters as The Virgin Ben, America’s Worst Mother™ (and her brood, Gunwale, Miasma, Cara Pace, and ? ), Gun Counter Gomer, Princess Jesus Boobies, The Stupidest Man on the Internet, JonJon Romney, Dead Andrew Breitbart and his cast of Otherwise Unemployables, and Juicebox Jesus, as well as old standbys like the Ole Perfesser, Godlestein, McMegan, Our Lady Of the Magical Dolphins, Caribou Barbie, Professor Winebox, Bill “Bag O’ Salted Dicks” Kristol,  this gaseous over-rated idiot, and who can ever forget Earthbound Misfit, Her:

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We’ll always have that.

And Paris.

But mostly that…

Nice Try But ‘No Sale’, Sparky

Obviously this is Bill Kristol’s “Baby, please don’t go. I’ll change. I know I can changeplea to me to stick around:

Sarah Palin could rehabilitate her political career with a 2014 Senate run, Bill Kristol said Sunday.

“I think the way Palin would possibly resurrect herself, if that’s the right word, or rehabilitate herself I guess a better way of putting it, [is] run for Senate in Alaska in 2014,” The Weekly Standard editor said during a Web interview with ABC.

“I’m not urging that, I’m just saying if I were her adviser I would say, ‘Take on the incumbent, you have to win a primary, then you have to beat an incumbent Democrat. It’s not easy.’ But if she did that, suddenly if she can imagine that, you know, ‘Sarah Palin, freshman senator, Jan. 15, in Washington having beaten an incumbent,’ that would be pretty interesting,” he said.

Kristol, who has yet to take me up on an offer I extended to him for lunch, then explains that Palin does have, y’know,  a little baggage she needs to, y’know,  kind-a sort-a, unload like so much unwanted cellulite:

Kristol added that Palin’s departure before the end of her term as governor hurt her leadership image.

“That I think is something she has to recover from in terms of being a serious leader in the party. She still has a lot of loyalty, she can still shape the debate, she has a great political touch,” he said.

Even though Kristol is all hopey-changey about Palin’s mad political skillz, we have to ask how Alaskans feel about Sarah Palin II: Grizzly Grandma Resurrection.

Sen. Mark Begich (D-Alaska) faces a tough reelection battle in 2014 but has an easier path to victory if he faces former Gov. Sarah Palin (R), according to a new poll from Democratic firm Public Policy Polling.
Begich leads Alaska Lt. Gov. Mead Treadwell (R), the GOP’s current frontrunner, by a narrow 44 percent to 40 percent.

Palin leads the pack of potential and declared GOP challengers, but trails Begich by 12 points, 52 percent to 40 percent in a potential general election showdown.

Oh, Scarecrow Bill Kristol, I think I’ll miss you most of all….

Nice Try But ‘No Sale’, Sparky

Obviously this is Bill Kristol’s “Baby, please don’t go. I’ll change. I know I can changeplea to me to stick around:

Sarah Palin could rehabilitate her political career with a 2014 Senate run, Bill Kristol said Sunday.

“I think the way Palin would possibly resurrect herself, if that’s the right word, or rehabilitate herself I guess a better way of putting it, [is] run for Senate in Alaska in 2014,” The Weekly Standard editor said during a Web interview with ABC.

“I’m not urging that, I’m just saying if I were her adviser I would say, ‘Take on the incumbent, you have to win a primary, then you have to beat an incumbent Democrat. It’s not easy.’ But if she did that, suddenly if she can imagine that, you know, ‘Sarah Palin, freshman senator, Jan. 15, in Washington having beaten an incumbent,’ that would be pretty interesting,” he said.

Kristol, who has yet to take me up on an offer I extended to him for lunch, then explains that Palin does have, y’know,  a little baggage she needs to, y’know,  kind-a sort-a, unload like so much unwanted cellulite:

Kristol added that Palin’s departure before the end of her term as governor hurt her leadership image.

“That I think is something she has to recover from in terms of being a serious leader in the party. She still has a lot of loyalty, she can still shape the debate, she has a great political touch,” he said.

Even though Kristol is all hopey-changey about Palin’s mad political skillz, we have to ask how Alaskans feel about Sarah Palin II: Grizzly Grandma Resurrection.

Sen. Mark Begich (D-Alaska) faces a tough reelection battle in 2014 but has an easier path to victory if he faces former Gov. Sarah Palin (R), according to a new poll from Democratic firm Public Policy Polling.
Begich leads Alaska Lt. Gov. Mead Treadwell (R), the GOP’s current frontrunner, by a narrow 44 percent to 40 percent.

Palin leads the pack of potential and declared GOP challengers, but trails Begich by 12 points, 52 percent to 40 percent in a potential general election showdown.

Oh, Scarecrow Bill Kristol, I think I’ll miss you most of all….

Friday Night Shakira’s Ass: The Last Assening

Since this is the last random ten thingy [insert sad face] I thought I’d just put up my favorite ten songs (I didn’t say that they are THE BEST SONGS EVER … just my favorites) and go out on a high note, by which I mean that I won’t be forced by the Random iP0d Gods to admit that I have Limp Bizkit’s Break Stuff on my iPod.

Yeah, I don’t put that on my resume…

Only the first two songs are in order of my absolute favoriteness-ess, after that it’s a crap shoot:

Dear Chicago – Ryan Adams
Invisible Ink – Aimee Mann
Left Of The Dial – The Replacements
Find The River – R.E.M
Ocean Breathes Salty – Sun Kil Moon version
Ooh Child – Beth Orton version
Golden Blunders – The Posies
The Wars End – Rancid
Romeo & Juliet – Dire Straits
Only Shallow – My Bloody Valentine

Honorable mentions to Big Star’s Thirteen and Ryan Adams’ Come Pick Me Up.

Looking at the list afterward it occurred that all of the songs are about some form of regret or sadness or despair.

Yup. I’m a happy guy.

Also: Creed & Nickelback suck. But you knew that…

Winning Is For Losers

Now that Cory Booker, whom the progressives tell me is just Barack Obummerdroner in blackface, has secured the Democratic nomination for the open Senate seat in New Jersey, people are making plans for what to do, oh lordy, what to do. The Blue America people at Down With Tyranny have decided to sit this one out, not that Booker will have to go begging for scraps, and will instead devote their energies to helping Barbara Buono take on Chris Christie. Their case:

The rest of us, especially those in New Jersey, need to get behind Barbara Buono and dump Christie. That’s a priority! Barbara was born in Newark to parents who immigrated to this country from a small town right outside of Naples. Her dad was a union butcher and her mom worked two jobs to make ends meet. “We lost dad,” she told me “when I was 19, but I never forgot how hard he and mom worked to provide for our family. I had to put myself through college while working three jobs to make ends meet. My husband Martin and I are parents to six amazing children, all of whom are grown now. But we raised them with the same can-do attitude that my mom and dad raised me with.”

The quest to elect Buono is well intentioned but, much like Ahab’s similar determination to nail the whale, doomed – but the progressive heart wants what the progressive wants so whaddya gonna do? I mean besides finding other worthy progressive candidates throughout the country who are at least within spitting distance of actually being elected thereby helping to create a solid base of card-carrying progressive members in Congress who could advocate for a better America. There’s that.

Meh. Sounds like work.

Instead, right out of the gate, the first commenter at DWT has a plan that just… could … just … work … thistime:

My understanding of this election is that the winner will serve from when the election is certified and they are seated by the Senate only for the balance of the 113th Congress. A regular election will be held in November 2014.

I have not been able to determine if there will be any third party or independent candidates on the special election ballot.

Progressives need to walk away from an execrable candidate like Booker. It seems to me that going en masse for the Green or simply boycotting Booker and letting the GOP win would improve the odds of getting a better candidate in 2014. An incumbent Booker would be a slam dunk for six more years.

This is what I recommended for folks to do in the 2012 WA-01 election, but progressives tucked their tail between their legs and voted for DelBene. I was amazed that she had the gall to join Barbara Lee’s SNAP diet protest, despite not caring one bit about poor folks. Probably figured it would be good publicity and she needed to drop a few pounds anyway. But it looks like we’ll be stuck with her for as long as she wants to be in Congress now. Should have let the lunatic Koster beat her and then gotten rid of him next year. –

I know. DelBene, who supports gay marriage, the Affordable Care Act, medical marijuana and this is just awful. PRIMARY HER!

But hey, how about letting that GOP guy in Jersey win to teach the Democrats a lesson, I mean, how bad can he possibly be?

I’ll be as callous and uncaring as you can imagine. I have no interest in paying for your health care. I’d hate to see you get cancer, but that’s your problem, not mine. I’m going to pay for my health care, I’m going to take care of my children’s health care and tend to my wife. And when I stand for charity care (inaudible), you [and] no one else has the authority to infringe on my right (inaudible) dig into my pocket and my ability to pay for your health care or anybody else’s.

… and there’s this:

Lonegan does not like Social Security. In October 2011, he lamented that Texas Gov. Rick Perry “didn’t stick to his guns” when he called Social Security a Ponzi scheme. He later added during that same interview that Social Security “was the biggest single threat facing America today. More than half of the federal government is Social Security and Medicare, and it’s going to bankrupt this country.”

… and also this:

While Christie was running around New Jersey in his monogrammed fleece consoling Sandy victims, Lonegan was far from sympathetic. “That is tragic for them to see their home being destroyed,” he said, “but remember that every day around this country, somewhere, somebody is suffering a tragedy of equal or worse impact and we don’t run and hand them a check.”

So remember, to attain peak progressivism: It takes a village to burn down a village in order to save a village.

Or something like that…