Shorter Ross Douthat: Thank you for your interest in joining our club. Unfortunately we’re not accepting any new members at this time, but please feel free to reapply at a later date when you’re less uppity and muslimy. Best regards and, of course, you’ll have the good taste to refrain from mentioning that I spoke to [...]

Shorter Ross Douthat: I will concede the inevitability of gay marriage if we can all agree that a bland sterile heterosexual marriage like mine is, in the final tally, say, 3% more awesomer. Deal? Note: For those who don’t read Ross Douthat, and most Americans wisely don’t, each Douthat column follows the same script: a [...]

Shorter Ross Douthat: You know that guy who came into the restaurant with us and then started flipping over tables, throwing food, screaming at the other diners and smearing his feces on the walls? Yeah. That guy. We’ve never seen him before.

Before I get to Shorter Ross Douthat, I just want to point out that reading a Douthat column is like watching him  try to take a crap after eating a five-pound block of cheese. It’s painful for all involved and, in the end, Ross is the only one who seems to think the effort was [...]

Shorter Ross Douthat: Pope John Paul II was like the hot Chunky Reese Witherspoon Megan Fox Pope that didn’t have to do anything and that everyone wanted to take to the big dance and then, hopefully, bone. Pope Benedict XVI is the fat girl Pope who is on the dance committee and has to clean [...]

Shorter Ross Douthat: CNN should develop potentially  “riveting” television programming that offers respectful and thoughtful debate that rises above petty and obvious partisanship. You know, like Glenn Beck…

Shorter Ross Douthat: The slutty Chunky Reese Witherspoons of the seventies inflamed the loins of the seminarians and made them go on a decades long altar-boy binge. Now the Pope needs to mop up all of the semen. Damn you liberals! Damn you!

We haven’t been over to Angry Andy’s BigHo in some time now but it looks like they are still chalking up conservative wins and losses for  Real America based upon movie box office returns. It seems that Matt Damon’s Green Zone, which is about looking for those pesky  non-existent WMD’s,  did not do well this [...]

Shorter Ross Douthat: Religion: Ur doin it wrong, America

Shorter Ross Douthat: A bland balding socially-conservative wonk for President? That’s hawt.